Category: Conflict

Grieving the Spirit

Isn’t there something magical about a campfire under the stars? Wood crackles and pops as flames dance on a cool, dark night. The light draws people to gather and enjoy the warmth. It creates a sense of connectedness among those who savor the glow together—especially on a chilly evening. 

For the past few years I’ve enjoyed participating in this nightly ritual on our church’s annual mission to Mexico. One year the temperatures were especially cold, so gathering around the campfire was even more enticing. At the end of each evening, the only way to encourage the students to return to their tents was to douse the flames. As buckets of water poured out, steam hissed, rising with plumes of smoke from the quenched fire. Once the water extinguished the flames, everyone scattered to seek warmth zipped inside tents and nestled in sleeping bags.

This image brings to mind the Holy Spirit, often characterized as fire in the pages of Scripture. Acts 2 provides the most obvious example of this: “When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.” (Acts 2:1-4, NIV)

Although we no longer see actual flames on our heads, followers of Jesus still have the fire of the Holy Spirit living within us. And just like a campfire, we can stoke the flame of the Spirit, or squelch it. That’s why Paul includes such specific and clear instructions in Ephesians 4 for how to walk worthy of our calling. He says: “And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by him for the day of redemption.” (Ephesians 4:30, CSB) Paul makes a similar statement in another one of his letters: “Do not quench the Spirit.” (1 Thessalonians 5:19, NIV)

These statements astound me– as frail humans, we have the capacity to sadden or squelch God’s Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. When we walk aligned with the world, the flesh, and the devil instead of in a manner worthy of our calling, we make Him sorrowful, distressed, and heavy-hearted. Author and pastor Megan Fate Marshman explains “Grief is the recognition that something is not as it should be.” It is an “appropriate response to things being out of alignment with God’s plan.”1

Ephesians is a book about unity—first between God and humans, then between Jews and Gentiles—all made possible through Christ’s sacrifice. So, we grieve the Spirit when we choose to break that unity with God and others by sinning. This is why Paul lays out many specific instructions for walking worthy of our calling. 

So, how do we do we avoid grieving or quenching the Spirit? “Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, CSB)

Honoring or grieving the Lord has everything to do with how we live—our mindsets, the choices we make, and the way we treat others. That’s why Paul covers so many topics in Ephesians 4 including our sexual practices, our choice to be truthful and trustworthy, and how we speak to one another. The passage above shows that bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, and contempt have no place in the lives of authentic followers of Jesus. Instead, we’re called to be kind, tender hearted, and forgiving.  We’re urged to reject evil and embrace good. 

While I could list many examples and scenarios to illustrate these principles, I think your time would be more wisely spent inviting the Lord to search your heart to make this personal. Consider re-reading Ephesians 4 slowly and asking Him to show you if there are ways you’re grieving or quenching His Spirit. Give God permission to reveal any attitudes or perspectives you’ve adopted from the world that dishonor Him. Let Him shine a light on your behavior toward others that grieves His heart. 

As the Lord brings specific sins to mind, confess them to Him and cancel permission for the enemy to use them as an access point in your life any longer. Command any darkness or evil to leave and invite the Holy Spirit to come and expand His presence in your life.2

 There’s no way to succeed in walking worthy of Christ by trying harder on our own; we were never meant to do that. Thankfully, with the Holy Spirit dwelling in our hearts through faith, we have unlimited access to all the help we need. 

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  • 1. Megan Fate Marshman, Relaxed: Walking with the One Who Is Not Worried about a Thing, Zondervan, 2024.
  • 2. Inspired by Tim Hughes’ sermon, “Are You Hungry?” Park Hill Church Podcast, August 6, 2023. Available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Inspired by Ephesians: A Study of Faith and Practice by Jackie Hill Perry, Jasmine Holmes and Melissa Kruger, Lifeway Press, 2024

When Interruptions Become Opportunities

Before the time of streaming entertainment on demand, I remember watching good old-fashioned network TV as a child. My family would crowd onto the couch together on specific nights to enjoy a few shows. Once in a while the broadcast would cut to a somber news anchor announcing: “We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report.” The information often detailed a major event like a natural disaster, an emergency situation, or the death of someone important. After delivering the news, the anchor would say, “And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.” 

As I’ve thought about serving in various ministries over the past few years, I’ve been pondering times when there have been interruptions to my “regularly scheduled programming.” I’m not proud to admit it, but for a long time, I viewed these interruptions as irritants that were getting in the way of “real” ministry. They felt like distractions hindering me from accomplishing the tasks needed to put on programs. 

At some point, the Lord helped me to recognize that those interruptions were actually part of His plan. They were opportunities to walk alongside others and help them grow as followers of Jesus. At the same time, they provided experiences that softened some of my sharp edges and helped me to have more compassion and empathy. I started to see that prioritizing people over programs actually led to healthier relationships and meaningful spiritual growth. Interruptions were opportunities to mentor people and care for them. They were chances to guide them toward wisdom found in God’s Word and to recognize its relevance in their situations. Instead of rushing past interruptions, I began realizing the value of pausing to engage them. Here are a few ways God has used them with me:

-Circling Back: Sometimes in a meeting or small group issues arise that need one-on-one attention. When I’ve sensed that someone seems to be struggling, I’ve tried to follow up and connect outside our group or team meetings. Sometimes people just need to feel seen and heard. At other times they need encouragement, affirmation, or clarification. Heeding the Holy Spirit’s prompting and making time to check in with someone separately opens the door for God to work in and through us.

-Discipling through Conflict: Anytime we work or serve with people, conflicts arise at some point. Pretending they don’t exist usually just creates awkward interactions that lack authenticity. Addressing conflict through healthy communication opens opportunities for everyone to unpack misunderstandings and identify false assumptions. Perhaps someone needs to learn an applicable truth in Scripture. Maybe there’s an opportunity for spiritual refining or character development. Perhaps there’s a chance for someone to be convicted by sin or to recognize a blind spot. If we lean into awkward situations and seek better understanding, we’re creating opportunities to help ourselves and others mature spiritually and personally.

-Giving Permission to Pause: There are times when someone’s personal struggles may interrupt ministry programming. When a key member of a team I led lost her husband, we rallied around her to provide support. We were in the throes of launching into a new year and she didn’t want to leave us hanging, but we knew the best way to love her was to give her time away from serving. When personal hardship strikes a team member, the first priority needs to be showing love and compassion before worrying about how program logistics will be impacted. The interruption provides a beautiful opportunity to love someone when they’re hurting by giving them the time they need to heal.

There’s a story in Matthew’s gospel when an interruption leads to a powerful moment of ministry. Jesus travels by boat with His disciples to a solitary place. They are grieving the death of John the Baptist and seeking respite. However, “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” Concerned about practical matters, the disciples approach Jesus as evening draws near and say, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.” Instead of agreeing with their suggestion, Jesus replies, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.” (Matt 14:14,15b,16, NIV)

Maybe you remember what happens next: Jesus takes five small loaves of bread and two fish, gives thanks to God and then feeds five thousand men, plus women and children. Not only does everyone eat their fill, but the disciples collect twelve baskets filled with leftovers.

Consider how differently Jesus and His disciples view interruptions. He seems to be the master of pivoting and adapting to new situations. Rather than being annoyed by the crowds greeting His boat, Jesus has compassion on them. Instead of dismissing them and sticking with His original plan, He ministers to them. When the disciples urge Him to send people away to find food, Jesus uses it as an opportunity to grow their trust in Him as the ultimate Provider. The interruptions become moments of ministry and revelation.

When we slow down and engage them, interruptions can become significant catalysts for ministering to others. What’s your usual response when they occur in your “regularly scheduled program”? Whether it’s in ministry, at home, at work, or somewhere else, there’s always an opportunity to grow in how you handle them. If you’re prone to anger, annoyance, impatience, or irritability when interruptions occur, consider praying and inviting the Lord to show how you can honor Him more in your response. You’ll discover joy on the journey and will bless others in the process.

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Let it Unfold

It’s been almost a year since God answered an angsty prayer by speaking to me in a dream. I’d found myself in a familiar situation—coordinating logistics for my family’s schedule and feeling frustrated that everyone wasn’t in sync. A tense conversation with one of my kids hadn’t ended well and I’d gone to bed discouraged. After tossing and turning for several hours, I fell into a fitful sleep while my brain continued to process a solution to our stalemate. 

My son’s lack of willingness to adjust to my plan was going to cost time and money as well as causing great inconvenience. Before falling asleep, I’d been weighing the different approaches I could use to get him to see the situation from my perspective. Exhausted, I eventually drifted off to sleep when, just before waking, calming words in a dream filled me with peace. I don’t think I heard the Lord audibly, but His message was clear: “Let it unfold.”

Pulling back the covers in the dawn light, I chose to trust God’s gentle voice as I anticipated the day ahead. Instead of trying to convince my son to get on board with my logistically “superior” plan, I held off and opted to let events unfold without intervening. A few months later, when the plans came to fruition, I understood what the Lord had been doing. The plan that, in my mind, had seemed illogical and inconvenient actually turned out to be God’s provision—a needed respite in an unexpected season of intensity in our family.

I view time as a precious commodity and see efficiency as the key to prevent wasting it. There’s nothing I love more than a well-crafted plan that works out exactly as I expect. But in the past year, the Lord has reminded me again and again of that phrase He gave me last summer: “Let it unfold.” When I’m tempted to speak up and step in to fix, suggest, or point out a better way to do something, I’m learning to pause and pray first. In my attempts to help others or improve situations, my proactivity can short-circuit the learning process for someone else. Worse still, it can squelch the Holy Spirit from moving or speaking.

We live in a fast-paced world and most of us don’t believe we have time to slow down and let things unfold, but that’s not the way of Jesus. When I’m tempted to rush or to force my plan on someone else, I’m reminded that Jesus was never in a hurry. He never rushed. Likewise, God never forces Himself or His plans on us. He waits patiently and delights when we choose to follow His ways instead of ours. I love how Jesus says this in The Message (a contemporary language paraphrase of the Bible): 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Learning to “let it unfold” has been an exercise in restraint for the past year. But as I’ve held back and waited longer than I would have preferred, I’ve watched the Lord move and have witnessed His “unforced rhythms of grace” more times than I can count. Sometimes it’s with one of my adult kids, other times, it’s been with extended family, or people I serve with or lead in ministry. Letting things unfold has helped me avoid unneeded tension with others that often comes with unsolicited advice, unwelcome opinions, and forced decisions. The Lord has shed light on pride that leads me to see my way of doing things as “best.” He’s humbled me and helped me to recognize the beauty of letting others learn through experience instead of being subjected to my “helpful” suggestions. I’m still growing in patience but am seeing the positive results of trusting His timing instead of acting on my impulses. 

What about you? Are you ever tempted to intervene and fast track the learning process for someone else? Do you sometimes want to help others see the value of your perspectives or opinions whether they’re ready to listen or not? Are you quick to offer a suggestion or observation before inviting the Holy Spirit to intercede? Letting things unfold doesn’t mean doing nothing, but it does mean pausing to pray. Sometimes the Lord may prompt you to speak up or step in; at other times He’ll guide you to hold off and wait. Seeking His guidance enables you to be confident that you’re relying on God’s wisdom instead of your knee-jerk response.

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Yearning for Unity

Scrolling through my news feed, I’m surprised at how frequently there are articles having to do with the Church or faith-related issues. Sadly, most of the time the articles describe behaviors and attitudes of people who label themselves as “Christian” but have no resemblance to Jesus. I was saddened by a recent one I read that detailed two factions with wildly divergent views whose differences led to a tragic death. It’s no secret that tension and divisiveness have become the norm in our culture today, even in the body of Christ. 

So how do we arrive at the unity that Jesus prayed for in John 17?  How do we respond when others who worship beside us hold different views? Do we reject them and retreat, only associating with those who share the same viewpoints? Do we avoid any subject that might elicit discomfort or a strong reaction?

A good starting place for answering these questions is understanding Jesus’ prayer for unity: “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23, NIV)

First, it’s important to note that unity and uniformity are not the same thing. Uniformity happens when we already think alike. Conversely, unity only comes when we work hard to find ways to agree with others who have differing views. Unity is something we must grapple with as believers. Ultimately, a stronger bond comes when we acknowledge our differing views and demonstrate willingness to listen and find common ground. So, let’s explore three ways we can align with the heart of Jesus and pursue unity as His followers.1

1) Commit to the Mission of the Church (with a capital “C”): Christian churches across the world use different language to convey a common mission: To know Christ and make Him known. Jesus says it this way in His prayer: “I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:23, NIV) Obedience to God includes gathering with others to worship, connect, and serve. We’re meant to do this together to honor the Lord and realign ourselves with His will. As we’re reminded of God’s love, mercy, and grace, we band together to share what we’ve received from Him with the world around us. When we stop gathering and divide into factions, we prize uniformity and become suspicious of others. This inward focus causes us to become critical of anyone not in our closed system. We zero in on other believers who do things differently instead of looking outward to the world that desperately needs to hear the hope of the gospel. “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” (Galatians 5:14-15, NIV)

2) Commit to Being Humble and Others-centric: Our personal opinions feel important and can spark strong emotions, especially in the divisive times we’re living in right now. No one agrees with every decision made by leaders or individuals. But we need to prioritize respecting one another as people and followers of Christ more than we care about being right or airing our opinions. Consider Paul’s wise counsel: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” (Ephesians 4:2-6, NIV)

3) Commit to Sacrificing Your Will:  Jesus prayed for the unity of all believers knowing it would be difficult. He prayed this only hours before He was betrayed, abandoned, arrested, tortured, and killed. This is what He was agreeing to when He prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39, NIV) Jesus gave up His will for our sake. Are we willing to do that for His Church? 

Pursuing unity as a body of believers requires an unwavering focus on Jesus. Consider the wisdom of A.W. Tozer: “Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So, one hundred worshipers meeting together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become ‘unity’ conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”

Author and Bible teacher Kristi McClellan emphasizes: “Oneness is the way of the kingdom of God in the world. Gospel-centered kingdom-oriented unity has always been a unity within diversity. Unity does not occur when we become the same. True, robust, healthy, and vibrant unity happens within our unique and diverse expressions…Jesus prayed we would be one. Let’s do all we can to honor Him as followers of Jesus seeking oneness, unity, harmony, wholeness, flourishing, and delight. The church is best expressed as a bouquet of unique flowers rather than twelve red roses. We are better together…pray our oneness and unity will give the world an ancient taste of Eden and a future taste of the new heaven and the new earth fully realized.”2

As followers of Jesus, let’s commit to pursuing unity and praying for oneness among our fellow believers. Instead of being quick to notice differences that irk us, let’s ask the Lord to reveal where we may be prioritizing our personal agendas. With humility, let’s invite Him to reveal where we’ve gotten in the habit of finding fault, taking offense, or creating division. Let’s ask Him to show the power of His infinite love and grace through us to every person we encounter.

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1. The definition of unity vs. uniformity and the three points below it are based on Sean Morgan’s Leaders in Living Rooms podcast episode “Ugly Bride- Three Essential for Church Unity” from Sept. 13, 2021.

2. Kristi McClellan, When You Pray, Session 7, Lifeway Press, 2023, 200.

The Upside of Conflict

One of my favorite things about the Bible is that it includes messy, complicated stories. We’ve already seen that Acts doesn’t sugar coat walking with Jesus or hide the challenges that accompany our faith journey. The end of chapter 15 provides a perfect example of one of these uncomfortable situations:

“Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.’ Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”  (Acts 15:36-41, NIV)

Even people in deep, godly friendships sometimes part ways. From Acts 9 to Acts 15 we’ve watched as Barnabas champions Paul—vouching for him with the other believers when Paul first converts, seeking him out in Tarsus so they can teach together in Antioch, and traveling with him on the first missionary journey. Their partnership seems unstoppable until the disagreement about John Mark causes their paths to diverge. Despite their shared passion for teaching and spreading the gospel, these two pillars of the faith can’t reconcile their opposite opinions over John Mark accompanying them on their next missionary journey. Barnabas wants to give him a second chance to prove himself, Paul thinks it’s unwise since he bailed out early on their first trip. Ultimately, this causes them to split up and continue teaching about Jesus in different places with new ministry partners.

In this instance, neither one had the moral high ground– they had a difference of opinion that didn’t have a right or wrong side. “It wouldn’t have been productive for Paul to take Mark when he didn’t trust him, but Barnabas saw the long-term potential in Mark and gave him another chance.”1 So, they agreed to disagree and parted company, holding no ill will towards one another.

John Mark didn’t let Paul’s rejection define him, however. He must have continued growing in maturity as he traveled with Barnabas, shared the gospel, and rubbed shoulders with other believers. After all, he later authored the Gospel of Mark. Additionally, he appears in several places in the New Testament that reveal he eventually became close to both Peter (1 Peter 5:13) and, surprisingly, Paul (Colossians 4:10). 

“Perhaps the most touching of Paul’s references to Mark comes in 2 Timothy…Towards the end of the book Paul gives a list of personal instructions–mainly comprised of several people to greet and one person in particular to dodge. Among the names listed, we find a final reference to Mark by Paul in verse 4.11. Paul writes, ‘Luke alone is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry.’ In Paul’s final hour he requested only five things: for Timothy to come soon (v 9), for him to bring Mark with him (v 11), and to bring his cloak, his books, and the parchments (v 13)….Mark must have undergone significant character enhancement since he had last been with Paul, and Paul had grown in his capacity to forgive and recognize the sanctification process in others. It is a beautiful picture of love, grace, perseverance, and restoration.”2

The growth that occurs in both men and their eventual restoration of relationship reminds us that healthy conflict can have a positive outcome. Here are a few reasons for that:

–Conflict reveals underlying tension: We’ve all been in situations where tension is palpable and resentment simmers just beneath the surface. Addressing the root of the conflict brings clarity and diffuses tension. It moves us from avoidance to acknowledgement, eliminating uncertainty and helping chart the path forward. For Paul and Barnabas, conflict changed their trajectory but didn’t derail their calling. (Paul refers to Barnabas as an equal in his later writings in 1 Corinthians 9:6).

-Conflict exposes personal growth areas: It’s rare for one person to be entirely at fault in a disagreement. So, considering why we’re at odds with another person gives us a chance to do some self-reflection and to determine where we may have sinned or played a part in causing hurt or frustration. Rather than pointing the finger at all the ways the other person wronged us, we have a chance to consider what we can do differently. Perhaps John Mark began to see the importance of keeping his commitments after deserting Paul and Barnabas on their first journey; maybe Paul learned the value of releasing past resentment and giving second chances.

-Conflict teaches us to consider other perspectives: Disagreements often arise when people have divergent approaches or assumptions. When we’re able to share differing views with each other, it helps us to see the situation from an alternate angle. This leads to a broader understanding that can soothe hurt feelings or deep frustration. Perhaps Barnabas’ willingness to give John Mark another chance enabled Paul to see how God could work. John Mark grew in maturity; simultaneously the Lord smoothed out some of Paul’s sharp edges until he reached the point where he could see John Mark in a more gracious light.

-Conflict creates new partnerships: Paul and Barnabas made a powerful and effective team, but their decision to part ways opened the opportunity for them to mentor new ministry partners, Silas and John Mark. With the split of the dynamic duo, two teams could cover more ground sharing the gospel and nurturing new leaders.

In our current cultural moment, conflict has become a catalyst for deep division, finger-pointing, and even “canceling” those with whom we disagree. Even in personal and ministry relationships, many of us avoid conflict at all costs and miss tremendous opportunities for growth. Conflict is a tool that we can use for good and a catalyst for deeper understanding. Let’s stop giving the enemy a foothold by fearing conflict or approaching it with immaturity. Instead, let’s allow God to use it to refine our characters and mature our faith, just as He did with Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark.

Want to learn more about what the Bible says about dealing with frustration in relationships? Click here to read my post “Stoking the Spirit.”

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  1. Kevin Laymon, “Paul and Barnabas Split: The Progression of John Mark.” Article link.
  2. Ibid