Naming Shame

She’d been divorced by five different men and left alone and vulnerable in a patriarchal culture. The man she was with at the moment made no promises of lasting commitment. People likely speculated about why she couldn’t keep a husband, if they didn’t already know the reason. Ashamed, she avoided joining the other women drawing water from the well in the cool of the morning or the waning heat of the evening. Instead, she trudged there at noon, lugging her water jar alone with the sun beating down on her back and sweat beading on her brow. Looking up one day, she squinted and rubbed her eyes as the outline of a man seated at the well came into view. 

In the moments that followed, this Samaritan woman who’d lived under a cloud of shame met a man who changed everything. “He told her, ‘Go, call your husband and come back.’ ‘I have no husband,’ she replied. Jesus said to her, ‘You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true… The woman said, ‘I know that Messiah’ (called Christ) ‘is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.’ Then Jesus declared, ‘I, the one speaking to you—I am he.’” (John 4:17-18, 25-26, NIV)

Jesus saw the woman’s shame, named it, and then revealed Himself as the long-awaited Savior of the world. “He reached all the way into her story, saw into her soul, and likely named the hardest and most shameful thing she had ever lived through. He entered into her world with compassion and empathy.”¹ Kristi McClellan then turns this story to make it personal. She says “Jesus seeks to enter into your world with compassion and empathy too. Ordinary days become extraordinary when you let Jesus in to generously lift you up.”²

Shame. It’s not a topic we like to discuss. Author, psychologist, and speaker Dr. Curt Thompson sheds light on why we avoid admitting we feel it. He explains that shame becomes part of our identity, instead of thinking we’ve done something bad or wrong, we think, “I am bad and wrong.” Thompson says that shame causes people to turn away from God and others. It cuts us off internally and externally. Shame goads us to cower in the dark, berating ourselves instead of seeking healing and hope through connecting with God and others.

 Isn’t that what we see with the woman at the well as Jesus engages her in conversation? She moves from being alone and isolated to being seen and loved. In response, she shares her amazement with the community that shunned her: “Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, ‘Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?’  They came out of the town and made their way toward him.” (John 4:28-30, NIV)

Once Jesus brings her shame to light, He frees her from it. And He can do the same for us. Using Scripture as our guide, Dr. Curt Thompson explains how we can name our shame and break free of its hold on us.³ Using his insights, let’s look at Hebrews 12:1 & 2 to understand the process: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

-A Cloud of Witnesses: Shame makes us believe we have to fix ourselves before we can let God or others know us. But Jesus accepts us right where we are and then moves us out of our shame, just as He did with the woman at the well. We need others to tell us what’s true about who we are. Who are the people bearing witness to your life and speaking truth to you? 

-Throwing Off Sin that Entangles: The enemy tries to trip us up and undermine our attempts to make wise and God-honoring choices. He uses our sins and the sins of others as tools to shame us. Recognizing this is the first step toward breaking their hold on you. Are sin and shame currently entangling you? Will you ask Jesus to help you cast them aside so you can walk freely with Him? 

-Run with Perseverance: Being vulnerable and honest isn’t easy. If it’s a struggle for you, start by practicing it in small moments. Be honest with yourself about the shame you feel and what’s causing it. Then seek a safe person with whom you can share it–whether it’s a wise friend or a trained counselor. Being vulnerable might feel awkward and uncomfortable, but with practice, you’ll begin to enjoy the freedom of being honest with yourself, others, and God. Who can you invite to help you persevere?

-Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus: As we look to Jesus, we’ll discover He’s been looking at us and waiting patiently for us to notice. Once we’re released from the weight of shame, we’re postured to receive His gentle healing. Then we can look outward to encourage others who also need to hear His message of hope, love, and truth. This is what He did with the woman at the well. And He’s willing to do it for you too, whenever you’re ready.

Being vulnerable and open doesn’t come naturally to me, so I empathize if these ideas scare you. I still remember the first time I admitted my shame to someone aloud. It was on the roof of a houseboat at a summer camp I worked at after high school graduation. I’d applied to serve there for the fun of being in Christian community, meeting new friends, and having easy access to waterskiing. What I hadn’t anticipated was being convicted that the double life I’d been leading was preventing my spiritual growth. The other leaders there had a passion for Jesus that I lacked. Feeling like a fraud, I admitted my struggles with sin and acknowledged my shame to a fellow staff member. Rather than chastising or condemning me, my new friend received what I shared with compassion and kindness. Jesus used him to speak truth and love to me in a way I’d never experienced. He was the first witness who helped me to see that vulnerably naming my shame was the beginning of being transformed by God and finding true freedom in Christ. (In fact, the bond between us grew so strong that we got married a few years later.)

Will you risk being vulnerable and naming your shame so you can throw off the entanglement of sin and fix your eyes on Jesus? If this feels terrifying, pray and ask the Lord to bring you a safe person who can listen and love you well. This is a heavy topic you may need to explore further with additional resources listed below. Don’t let shame isolate you any longer. 

Let Olivia Lane’s song “Woman at the Well” inspire you and give you courage today. Click here to listen.

• 1. Kristi McClelland, Jesus and Women in the First Century and Now, Lifeway Press, 2019, 62.
• 2. ibid
• 3. Dr. Curt Thompson, IF:Lead 2019 breakout session notes. For more resources on shame from Dr. Thompson, click here.

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