When Fellowship Fractures

As hard as it is to believe, even deep and godly friendships sometimes fracture. Paul and Barnabas are a case in point. The friendship between them may have begun when Barnabas stood up for Paul when the others were skeptical about the authenticity of his conversion in Acts 9. Later, the Holy Spirit ordained their ministry in Acts 13 and they traveled together sharing the gospel until a disagreement tore them apart. Despite their deep love for God and their history of meaningful fellowship, Acts 15 explains that these two pillars of the faith couldn’t reconcile in their opposite opinions over John Mark accompanying them on their next missionary journey. Barnabas wanted to give him a second chance after a past failure, Paul didn’t. This caused them to split up and to continue sharing the gospel in different places with new ministry partners.

Beth Moore writes about this situation, “One ministry turned into two. You and I both know it doesn’t always happen that way. It takes cooperation. We can stunt God’s redemptive work in our midst with our bitterness, unforgiveness, slander, blame, chronic regret, and unresolved guilt. Or we can go face down and beg God in our fractures to do something bigger with the broken pieces than He might have done with the whole.” (Entrusted, page 36)

Reading her words, I couldn’t help but think of how God used the broken pieces of a former relationship to make me into something better. The friendship I shared with this woman arose from our mutual desire to study God’s Word. We were the only two from our congregation that joined an in-depth Bible study at a neighboring church. After class, we’d stand in the parking lot talking enthusiastically about what we’d learned long after the rest of the cars had pulled away. My son, a toddler at the time, would fuss and squirm in his car seat once his Cheerios ran out or the sippy cup was empty. Finally, I’d have to interrupt her animated sharing with an apology and a promise to continue the conversation later. I could usually feel her disappointment as I pulled away.

A year later, our enthusiasm to study God’s Word with others led us to start a new Bible study for our own church with the help of a seasoned teacher. It was an exciting time of spiritual growth and meaningful fellowship centered on God’s Word. So much so, that I ignored the subtle warning signs that would lead to future problems between us.

Early in our friendship, I’d given her a card expressing my gratitude to God for her. I wrote about how thankful I was that the Lord was using us in each other’s lives and told her I believed He had much more in store for our friendship. I couldn’t wait to see how things would unfold. Although God did use her in my life, what I envisioned when I wrote that card was not at all how things turned out.

Without belaboring the details, over the course of 9 months, our friendship went into a downward spiral because of some boundaries I had to put in place. Although she said she understood, she retreated with hurt and anger. I continued to pursue her to no avail. Soon I found that the groups we’d enjoyed spending time with together were having gatherings without me. Over the months, my heart sank lower and lower as many of our mutual friends backed away from me with little or no explanation. I felt cut off from the fellowship I had once enjoyed so much. This began a dark and lonely season in my life that ultimately led me to counseling.

With the help of a wise and godly therapist, I began to see where things had gone wrong and could take ownership over the unhealthy contributions I’d made to our friendship. I could also identify the things that were solely her issues and not my responsibility. Over the course of more than a year in counseling, I started to understand how the implosion of that friendship was a flash point for some deeper issues that I needed to sort through.

Without that fractured relationship, I never would have recognized the unhealthy perspectives and patterns I’d maintained for many years. I would have stunted God’s redemptive work and prevented Him from refining me through the longstanding struggles in my life. In that difficult season, I learned how to be authentic and vulnerable, how to have safe and healthy relationships, and how to function more wisely with people. Confronting my issues equipped me for opportunities to come alongside others who were struggling in different ways. It has also allowed me to navigate through the inevitable challenges that come whenever people work, serve, study, socialize, or live together (whether they are Christians or not).

I’ve thought many times about that card I wrote to my old friend early in our relationship. God did, indeed, use her in my life. He peeled back some issues that I needed to deal with so that I could reach a healthier place. And although it’s still painful to remember that season, I am ultimately grateful that it became a catalyst for heathy change in my life.

Before my former friend moved away, I tried one last time to reach out by leaving a card on her doorstep.  Although she never responded, I’m glad I told her about how God used our struggles for good in my life. I pray that the same is true for her.

If you’re struggling with a fractured relationship, don’t muddle through it alone. Let the song “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE be an encouragement to you today (and if you’re a woman, substitute the word “sister” if it makes you feel better.)

Beth Moore, Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy, Lifeway Press 2016.

The Value of a Vertical Focus

The blank wall in our backyard was unremarkable for years. We had ideas for how to spruce it up, but never seemed to find the time. And then one spring afternoon, my husband got inspired. Returning from a trip to the hardware store, he set to work installing small bolts up the wall at evenly spaced intervals. Once he finished, he uncoiled a spool of wire and wound it around each bolt. By the time he was finished, we had a perfect grid ready for a vine.

Strategically digging holes at the base of the latticework, we nestled tiny plants into them. After a few months, they began to grow tall enough for my husband to wind the small tendrils around the wire, training them to attach to it and grow upwards. At first the latticework looked a little lonely and bare, but over time the lush foliage filled in. Now, five years later, the once bare wall is the most noteworthy aspect of our yard. Getting it to look that way took time, patience, and discipline (for which I can take no credit whatsoever).

Every few weeks, new growth and foliage need to be pulled from the wall and either trimmed off or wound around the wire to continue the upward growth. Without human intervention, the wall would be a messy jumble of shoots and leaves with no pattern. It would be unruly and undisciplined.

For some reason, a picture of our latticework wall came to mind as I read a question in Beth Moore’s Entrusted Bible study this week. At the close of Week 1, Day 1, she asks readers “What brings you to your side of this page”?  In other words, why are you doing this study?

If my life was that vine growing up our wall, then God’s Word is what keeps me tethered to the wire when I want to stray out on my own. It helps me to keep a vertical focus so that my worldview, actions and attitudes come from God and not from the standards of our ever-changing culture. Consistently engaging in Bible study for most of my life has allowed healthy patterns to emerge and God’s handiwork to show in my life. His Word grounds me in truth when the world bombards me with lies. It is a firm foundation in unsteady times. It is a plumb line that keeps my thoughts and perspectives aligned with God’s ways instead of the world’s. It is the mirror that shows me my true identity as God’s beloved child when I’m tempted to measure myself by the fickle standards of the world.

When I’m not fighting against Him; when I’m patient over the long haul; when I trust Him even when I don’t understand why He’s allowing a certain hardship– He can do beautiful things in and through me. He sees the whole picture where I see only a small part. He has laid out plans for me, intentionally going before me to stretch out the wires on the wall that beckon me to grow to heights I could never achieve on my own. As I allow His loving hands to wind the tendrils of my life around His latticework, I see that His ways are higher and better than mine.

For me, completing a study guide isn’t a task to be checked off a to do list. We call it “homework” at Bible study, but in reality it’s the gateway to life transformation and the thing that continually keeps my focus exactly where it belongs: on God. And that is what brings me back year after year.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2 (NIV)

“Word of Life” by Jeremy Camp is a song that celebrates Jesus as the Word that became flesh and the truth found in God’s Word. Click on the link to hear it.

 

 

Pouring Out What’s Been Poured In

Clutching her hand, my voice quavered as I looked up, pleading. “Tell me again, mom, tell me again.” Leaning down to kiss me goodbye, she handed me my lunch and reassured me gently, “Jesus is holding your hand. Just remember, even when I can’t be with you, He can. Even if you can’t feel Him, you can trust that He’s there.” The lump in my throat slowly shrank and my courage returned as I pulled on my backpack and joined my siblings for the car ride to school.

Starting first grade at a new school in a new town hadn’t been easy. Every night as I climbed into bed, my stomach twisted in nervous knots. Every morning I fought back tears as my dad dropped me off. But all of that had changed once my mom started reassuring me about Jesus’ love and care for me.  She was the first person to entrust me with the good news of the gospel. Throughout my childhood, she used her gifts to share God’s Word-whether it was reading stories to me from Scripture or teaching  neighborhood kids at an after-school Bible class in our home.

As I got older, other people came into my life to shape and encourage my faith as well. There was Micki Ann, my wise small group leader during high school who patiently poured into a gaggle of teenage girls despite having a toddler and a newborn of her own. Later in my college years, I had a string of mentors who entrusted me with God’s Word and coached me to become a leader among my peers. Julia, Kim, Stacy and Kelly each left an indelible mark on me during that season by encouraging me to stand apart from the crowd and follow Jesus. In young motherhood, there was Melinda, who taught me how to be a godly wife and mom and Courtney, who helped me to understand my identity in Christ and the importance of healthy boundaries.

And of course, throughout adulthood there have been mentors I didn’t know personally who have shaped my faith by entrusting me with Biblical truth: Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, and Kelly Minter, to name a few.

All of these women and others like them poured into me in the same way others had poured into them. They used their varied gifts to nurture my faith, to draw out my potential, and to help me discover how God could use me. And like them, I’ve had the blessing and privilege of spurring on others in their walks with Jesus. Some have been formal mentoring relationships, others have sprung up naturally over time. Some I still see regularly, while others I rarely get to connect with anymore.

The cycle of being entrusted with the gospel and then sharing it with others has repeated from one generation to the next for over two thousand years. The pages of the New Testament are filled with examples of people pouring out their lives to pour the gospel into others. Their names and surroundings were different, but the cycle remains the same. All followers of Jesus share the call to entrust the gospel to others using the gifts God has given them.

Paul puts perfect words to this when he urges Timothy saying, “What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us….And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.” (2 Timothy 1:13-14 and 2:2, NIV)

Over the next few months I’m going to spend some time on this idea of pouring out what’s been poured into us.  I’ll draw on inspiration from Beth Moore’s Bible study, Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy (Lifeway Press 2016). Whether you do the study or just follow along with my posts, I pray that you’ll be encouraged, inspired and challenged to discover more of what God has entrusted to you and how you’re being called to share it with others.