When Fellowship Fractures

As hard as it is to believe, even deep and godly friendships sometimes fracture. Paul and Barnabas are a case in point. The friendship between them may have begun when Barnabas stood up for Paul when the others were skeptical about the authenticity of his conversion in Acts 9. Later, the Holy Spirit ordained their ministry in Acts 13 and they traveled together sharing the gospel until a disagreement tore them apart. Despite their deep love for God and their history of meaningful fellowship, Acts 15 explains that these two pillars of the faith couldn’t reconcile in their opposite opinions over John Mark accompanying them on their next missionary journey. Barnabas wanted to give him a second chance after a past failure, Paul didn’t. This caused them to split up and to continue sharing the gospel in different places with new ministry partners.

Beth Moore writes about this situation, “One ministry turned into two. You and I both know it doesn’t always happen that way. It takes cooperation. We can stunt God’s redemptive work in our midst with our bitterness, unforgiveness, slander, blame, chronic regret, and unresolved guilt. Or we can go face down and beg God in our fractures to do something bigger with the broken pieces than He might have done with the whole.” (Entrusted, page 36)

Reading her words, I couldn’t help but think of how God used the broken pieces of a former relationship to make me into something better. The friendship I shared with this woman arose from our mutual desire to study God’s Word. We were the only two from our congregation that joined an in-depth Bible study at a neighboring church. After class, we’d stand in the parking lot talking enthusiastically about what we’d learned long after the rest of the cars had pulled away. My son, a toddler at the time, would fuss and squirm in his car seat once his Cheerios ran out or the sippy cup was empty. Finally, I’d have to interrupt her animated sharing with an apology and a promise to continue the conversation later. I could usually feel her disappointment as I pulled away.

A year later, our enthusiasm to study God’s Word with others led us to start a new Bible study for our own church with the help of a seasoned teacher. It was an exciting time of spiritual growth and meaningful fellowship centered on God’s Word. So much so, that I ignored the subtle warning signs that would lead to future problems between us.

Early in our friendship, I’d given her a card expressing my gratitude to God for her. I wrote about how thankful I was that the Lord was using us in each other’s lives and told her I believed He had much more in store for our friendship. I couldn’t wait to see how things would unfold. Although God did use her in my life, what I envisioned when I wrote that card was not at all how things turned out.

Without belaboring the details, over the course of 9 months, our friendship went into a downward spiral because of some boundaries I had to put in place. Although she said she understood, she retreated with hurt and anger. I continued to pursue her to no avail. Soon I found that the groups we’d enjoyed spending time with together were having gatherings without me. Over the months, my heart sank lower and lower as many of our mutual friends backed away from me with little or no explanation. I felt cut off from the fellowship I had once enjoyed so much. This began a dark and lonely season in my life that ultimately led me to counseling.

With the help of a wise and godly therapist, I began to see where things had gone wrong and could take ownership over the unhealthy contributions I’d made to our friendship. I could also identify the things that were solely her issues and not my responsibility. Over the course of more than a year in counseling, I started to understand how the implosion of that friendship was a flash point for some deeper issues that I needed to sort through.

Without that fractured relationship, I never would have recognized the unhealthy perspectives and patterns I’d maintained for many years. I would have stunted God’s redemptive work and prevented Him from refining me through the longstanding struggles in my life. In that difficult season, I learned how to be authentic and vulnerable, how to have safe and healthy relationships, and how to function more wisely with people. Confronting my issues equipped me for opportunities to come alongside others who were struggling in different ways. It has also allowed me to navigate through the inevitable challenges that come whenever people work, serve, study, socialize, or live together (whether they are Christians or not).

I’ve thought many times about that card I wrote to my old friend early in our relationship. God did, indeed, use her in my life. He peeled back some issues that I needed to deal with so that I could reach a healthier place. And although it’s still painful to remember that season, I am ultimately grateful that it became a catalyst for heathy change in my life.

Before my former friend moved away, I tried one last time to reach out by leaving a card on her doorstep.  Although she never responded, I’m glad I told her about how God used our struggles for good in my life. I pray that the same is true for her.

If you’re struggling with a fractured relationship, don’t muddle through it alone. Let the song “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE be an encouragement to you today (and if you’re a woman, substitute the word “sister” if it makes you feel better.)

Beth Moore, Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy, Lifeway Press 2016.

A “Half Full” View of Suffering: 1 Peter 3:13-22

A friend of mine wears a necklace that has a flat, rectangular charm with a drawing stamped onto it. A simple sketch depicts a drinking glass with a line running horizontally through the middle of it. Beneath the glass are the words “Half Full.”  It’s only a two-word statement, but it communicates volumes about how she views life. Think for a minute.  If you see a glass that has equal amounts of air and water in it, is it half empty or half full?  The way you answer says something about whether you see life through a positive or a negative lens. It’s all a matter of perspective: a glass is simultaneously half full and half empty. It just depends on the viewpoint of the person describing it.

The same holds true with the topic of suffering– our perspective on it can lead us to deep spiritual growth or debilitating self-pity and bitterness. Since suffering is mentioned in every chapter of the book of First Peter, it’s clear God has a few things to say about it:

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed…For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit.” (1 Peter 3:13, 14a, 17,18, NIV)

So how can we consider ourselves blessed when we experience suffering, especially when it comes as a result of doing what is right?  Scripture gives us some clear answers about its purpose.  And while suffering isn’t an enjoyable thing for anyone, good can result from experiencing it. Here are four reasons you can consider yourself blessed when you suffer:

Refinement: Hebrews 2:10 tells us that Jesus was “made perfect through what he suffered.” Suffering was part of the process He had to endure to bring us to salvation.  So, when He died on the cross, He accomplished one of His primary reasons for coming to earth. In the same way, suffering is a process that accomplishes something in us. Peter explains this in 1 Peter 1:6-7 when he says we suffer trials so that our faith may be proved genuine. Just as fire refines gold and removes the impurities, suffering refines us, causing us to turn toward God when we recognize everything else is worthless by comparison.

Humility: Suffering removes the illusion of control that so many of us cling to unconsciously. No matter how wealthy, powerful, or accomplished we are, no matter how closely we walk with God, no matter how much we may try to avoid it, all of us will experience suffering at different times.  It reminds us that we aren’t in charge, God is. The apostle Paul learned to rejoice in suffering when he realized it kept him from becoming conceited.  After pleading with God to remove an unnamed and ongoing struggle he had, he says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”

Paul then explains why God’s choice not to end his suffering brings him joy instead of causing him to become angry or bitter: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NIV)

Character: A life of ease may feel good, but it is through suffering that our characters are shaped.  Paul explains the qualities we gain through suffering when he says: “Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:2-5, ESV) Suffering builds our endurance and when we persevere through it, we gain character and hope. These qualities become part of a firm foundation that sustains us through future challenges we’re bound to face.

Comfort: Suffering is a jumping off place for showing the love of God to others. When we lean into the Lord and allow Him to speak into our suffering, He gives us hope, help, and comfort. Seasons of suffering become the times when seeds of faith sprout and grow stronger in us. And when we recognize that our suffering can be used for good, we begin to look beyond ourselves, becoming a conduit for God to impact others. Through us, He blesses people struggling through similar issues: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (1 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)

Looking back, I see different times of suffering in my life with a strange sense of fondness. Of course, I didn’t enjoy the difficult things I’ve had to endure, but I see how God used them to reveal Himself to me, to make His Word relevant in my life, and to connect me with others in ways I never would have experienced in good times.  So, while I don’t look forward to future seasons of suffering, I know they will come.  And when they do, I will choose to view them through the “half-full” lens and to look expectantly for how God wants to use them in my life.

If you are in a time of suffering, imagine Jesus is singing to you as you listen to “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE. And if you’re on the other side of a season of suffering, consider who you could reach out to with the sentiments in this song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRSLz_KgUsM

*Inspired by Week 7 in 1 Peter: A Living Hope in Christ by Jen Wilkin, Lifeway   Press, 2016.

The Myth of Self-Sufficiency

Self-sufficiency only works when things are going smoothly. Although we like to think that “normal” life equates with the absence of trouble, we are only fooling ourselves.

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Setting the plate in front of me, the waitress smiled and offered a cheerful “Enjoy your meal!” before walking away. My salad looked delicious, but I frowned. The chicken breast displayed on top would be difficult to eat without using two hands to cut it into smaller pieces. I’d hoped what I ordered would be easy to eat one-handed since my right arm was tucked in a sling. Staring at the food and shifting with discomfort, I weighed my options. The women around me at the table were engrossed in conversation, unaware of my predicament. Finally I turned to a friend next to me and apologized for interrupting. “Um, do you mind cutting up my chicken?” Realizing my problem, she happily obliged while I tried to act casual.  There was no reason to feel embarrassed, but I still felt like a child.

I’ve had an independent streak since I was little. It might have been my position as the youngest of five. It might have been the four-year gap between the next sibling and me. My independence led me to a college far from home. And it led me to a job as a teacher where I was isolated in a classroom instead of regularly working alongside colleagues. “Capable” and “efficient” were good descriptions for me. I didn’t know much about being a team player or learning to work well with others. The idea of delegating responsibilities made me cringe with fear and mistrust—whether it was at work, at home or serving at church. I had friends and meaningful relationships, but tackled much of life as a Lone Ranger.

Getting married, raising children and gaining life experience have changed me incrementally over time.  I’ve begun to recognize that many things I thought I could handle on my own were actually better and more enjoyable when I shared them with others. Whether it was planning class reunions, leading Vacation Bible School or facilitating Bible studies, I’ve learned the value and joy of working with others.

One thing I’ve struggled with, however, is asking for help or receiving it when it’s offered. This changed drastically when a bike accident left me with a broken right wrist and elbow recently. “Capable” and “efficient” are no longer words used to describe me. Instead, they characterize the many people who have stepped in to help me during this challenging season. I’ve been blessed and humbled by the numerous ways friends and family members have come alongside me.

Self-sufficiency has its place, but when it is over emphasized, it leads to isolationism and a lack of community.   It’s also a breeding ground for pride. Although it’s been humbling, the outpouring of support I’ve received since my accident has provided clear evidence of God’s love. It’s also reinforced the blessing of Christian fellowship. I’ve learned to accept help when it’s offered and to ask for it even when it isn’t (which is not easy to do). I’m depending on my family more. And I’m learning to let them do things their way instead of mine (which is also not easy to do). My lack of self-sufficiency has blessed my marriage in ways a book or couples’ seminar never could.

This experience is enabling me to understand an old familiar passage in a new light. King Solomon, perhaps the wisest man that ever lived, wrote these words:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NIV)

Solomon was rich and powerful, yet he understood the value of relationship and community. He knew life was better when shared with others.

Self-sufficiency only works when things are going smoothly. Although we like to think that “normal” life equates with the absence of trouble, we are only fooling ourselves. Jesus assures us in John’s gospel: “In this world you will have trouble.” Fortunately he follows this with this assurance, But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33b, NIV)

Here is the truth: only God is sufficient. Thankfully, he never intended for us to be on life’s journey solo. He’s given us the blessings of fellowship and community as tangible ways to meet our needs.  They also remind us that we are never alone.

If you can relate to my struggles with pride and self-sufficiency, I invite you to pray and ask God to show you one area you can surrender to him by letting someone meet a need you have. Maybe you won’t have to break your arm to recognize that sufficiency in anything other than God is just a myth.

The song “Brother” by the band NEEDTOBREATHE celebrates that life is better when we’re in it together. (Ladies, don’t get too hung up on the title, just substitute “sister” if it makes you feel better). Click on the link to enjoy this inspiring song.

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