Glancing at my notes from a recent sermon, I was reminded that being in community is healthy for our minds, bodies and spirits. This is God’s design for us because our consistent connections with others are catalysts for spiritual growth and conduits of emotional strength. I can attest to the truth of these ideas because I’ve experienced the power of community. But if I’m honest, I vividly recall how disillusioned and discouraged this topic once made me feel.
I still remember walking out of church a decade ago upset and angry during a similar sermon series. A hard shell of cynicism covered over the hurt I was nursing from some close relationships that were unraveling before my eyes. At the time, I remember feeling that sermons touting the joys of community were riddled with half-truths. They never seemed to acknowledge the hard parts when relationships splinter and communities fall apart.
I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I had seemingly failed at one of the cornerstones of the Christian lifestyle. I felt lonely and insecure and hesitant to share my pain with anyone else. I wondered if I had some glaring flaw that made me incapable of being part of a community. Worse still, maybe everyone else could see it but me. I now know those were only lies.
Since that season of pain, God has used Scripture, wise people, and life experience to teach me some significant truths about the blessings and challenges of being in Christian community. If you can identify with any of the negative feelings I described above, I hope you’ll be encouraged by what follows. (And even if you’re feeling great about community, it wouldn’t hurt to be aware of what can happen).
Truth #1- Communities Ebb and Flow; Even Good Ones Don’t Last Forever: People and circumstances continue to change and evolve over time. When we connect with a good group of people, this doesn’t mean it will last forever. We’re setting ourselves up for disappointment if we expect our relationships to remain static in an ever-changing world. Sometimes a group just runs its course and you can sense it’s time to move on. It may be wiser and healthier to view the good times with cherished communities as seasons rather than assuming they’ll last indefinitely.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-7, NIV)
Truth #2- People in Community Hurt Each Other Sometimes: If we expect every relationship to be lovely and perfect all the time, we’re probably not engaging in authentic community. People usually don’t mean to hurt us, but sometimes they do. They fail to meet our expectations and disappoint us. They don’t listen to everything we say and forget important things we’ve shared. They don’t always know what to do when we’re struggling or in pain. But here’s the thing: if you remove yourself from community because you’ve been hurt or disappointed, the person most affected by this is you. When you experience pain in a community you value, try to evaluate if you need to address the issue with the offending person/people or if you just need to forgive them and ask the Lord to heal your pain. Communities often drift apart when people avoid dealing with areas where there is hurt or disagreement. “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25, NV)
Truth #3- Strained and Broken Relationships Can Be Mended in Time: Communities sometimes fracture when our feelings get hurt and no one notices. They also fall apart when competition, jealousy, and comparison take center stage. Avoid the impulse to nurse your hurt feelings, don’t let them control your thoughts and actions. Try not to fill in the blanks with assumptions about how others view you when you’re feeling insecure. If negative feelings have taken over, it may be time to pull back for a while and lean into the Lord for a perspective shift. Take a break from the relationship, but don’t close the door on it for good. You may be surprised to discover how God redeems it later when emotions simmer down. Practice Paul’s advice: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:12, NIV)
Truth #4- It’s Best to Nurture Relationships in Several Communities: Maybe you’re like me and when you find a few quality people, you want to wrap your arms around them and pull them in close forever. There is danger in narrowing your community to only a few individuals. For starters, you’re missing out on other awesome people who could bless you. Additionally, when you hit a rough patch with your targeted few, you’ll have no one else to seek for comfort and wisdom. Diversify your friendships in a handful of communities and realize that no single person or group can meet all your needs. Make a goal to leave room for new friendships to grow in every season of life. This keeps relationships from becoming stale and your expectations of one person or group from becoming too intense.
Being a part of a community has the potential to bring great joy, encouragement, and growth. And at times, it may cause some pain and disillusionment. It was no different with people throughout the pages of Scripture starting with Adam and Eve and continuing with Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Paul, and a multitude of others. In good times and bad, be encouraged that we really are better together.
Be inspired by an illustration of authentic community in Francesca Battistelli’s song “If We’re Honest.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8