The Idol of People-Pleasing- No Other Gods Session 4

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity and idolatry, not courtesy, kindness or love.

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Opening my No Other Gods workbook, the title of Session 4 caught my eye: “The Problem with Idols: People Gods.” As I read through Kelly MInter’s lesson and learned about the ways we make people into idols, the faces of different individuals I’ve idolized over the years popped into my mind. But as I dug deeper into the study, I realized that for me, the problem wasn’t so much about specific people, but about my constant need to please people in general.

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time fighting the urge to be a pleaser. I go through phases where I’m strong and confident and it’s less of an issue and other seasons when I’m racked with guilt anytime I think I’ve failed someone. Ironically, this post is an edited version of one I wrote a while back. It’s humbling to realize this is an ongoing issue I need to relinquish to God time and time again. People pleasers have been around for generations but just so we’re clear, here’s my definition (based on personal experience):

 A people pleaser is constantly aware of the wants and needs of those around her. She feels overly responsible for others. She bases her sense of well being on the happiness of others in her presence. She rarely asserts her own desires for fear she will displease others. She often has no opinion because she wants to do whatever makes those in her presence most happy or comfortable. She has trouble receiving kind gestures from others because she constantly feels bad and assumes she is being an inconvenience or an annoyance.

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity and idolatry, not courtesy, kindness or love.

Self- Evaluation:

Does the definition make you squirm? Rather than feeling hurt or offended, how about taking some time to evaluate your people-pleasing tendencies? Consider the following:

-How often do you say, “I feel bad” or “I feel guilty” when you don’t meet an expectation you think someone else has for you?

Before going any further, think about why you feel bad or guilty. Is it because you are worried about what someone will think of you? Is it because you see a need you are unable to meet? Is it because you are choosing to do nothing when you should be doing something? Try to determine the root cause and then either do something about it or stop feeling guilty (which isn’t biblical anyway). When we serve and help others, it needs to be out of love, not guilt.

-How often do you say “I should” or “I had to”?

This can be a sign that your motivation is external rather than internal. Sometimes there are things you genuinely “should” do, such as helping someone in an emergency or meeting a need that is appropriate for you to fill. Sometimes we do things because the Bible says we should. They are the right things to do. Other times, however, people pleasers feel they must do certain things in order to meet someone else’s expectations. You don’t “have” to do something just because you’ve always done it or because someone thinks you would be good at it (especially if it’s a volunteer commitment.)

No Joy in Serving

One thing is sure, when you say, “yes” because you feel guilty about letting someone down, there will be little joy in your act of kindness. The thrill of saying, “yes” to please another person fades quickly if that is your only motivation. If there is no joy behind your choice to serve, bitterness results. Plus, the person being served doesn’t feel especially loved if your actions are motivated purely by guilt or duty.

Pleasers Confuse Others

People pleasers are confusing or frustrating to be around because you never know what they really want. It becomes a guessing game to figure out if their words and actions are genuine or simply said and done to please you. It is also unclear if they are being honest, which can lead to trust issues and elevated anxiety for others. Ultimately, it is difficult to have an authentic, loving relationship with a people-pleaser.

Pleasing Can Lead to Sin

Sometimes when our attention is focused on pleasing others, we make compromises that go against what we know is right. When we are willing to sacrifice our values and standards because we don’t want to offend or displease others, we are making them into idols.

No- Win Situation

It’s no secret that people are fickle. Trying to please them is a losing battle because they change their minds regularly. It is impossible to please multiple people simultaneously when they have differing opinions. Trying to do it is like attempting to submerge a bunch of Ping-Pong balls in a bucket. There is no way to hold all of them under water at the same time, no matter how hard you try!  (I attempted it just to make sure).IMG_7830

Please God, Bless People

The apostle Paul sums this up simply– our goal needs to be pleasing Christ, not others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, NIV) Make it your goal to please God. Doing this will honor Him and ultimately bless others.

Music and Books to Encourage You

Sometimes people pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We try hard to measure up through earning favor with others and we live in fear of disapproval. Yet when we remember how deeply loved we are by God, it frees us to love others without expecting them to meet our endless needs. If you want to learn more, scroll down for some suggested books that can help you get some healthy perspective on people-pleasing. Be sure to click on the link and be encouraged by Hawk Nelson’s song “Live Like You’re Loved.” Then go out and live like you believe it’s true.

Continue reading “The Idol of People-Pleasing- No Other Gods Session 4”

Making Room for Margin

I am far from mastering the art of making room for margin in my life consistently. Hopefully sharing this ongoing struggle with you will give us a chance to learn and grow together.

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Turning the ski boat at the end of the lake, my son gripped the steering wheel and glanced in the rearview mirror. It was his first time towing someone behind the boat. My husband coached him, giving pointers from the observers’ seat, “Remember when you turn you have to keep the rope length in mind. Leave plenty of space between the rider and the shore.” My son nodded that he understood as my husband continued, “You don’t want to launch someone you’re pulling into the bushes or have them hitting the shallow banks of the lake.”

As I sat in the boat watching and listening, I realized it was the perfect illustration for a concept I’ve been mulling over for weeks: the importance of leaving margin in our lives. At the lake, it was the buffer zone between the person being towed and the shore. On a sheet of paper, it’s the white space you leave blank on the edges of a page. In life, it’s the buffer time you maintain to rest and regroup instead of frantically running from one activity to the next.

This topic has come to the forefront of my mind in the past month as I’ve learned to function with the limitations of having a broken right arm. No matter how frustrating it is, I can’t operate at my usual pace.  It’s a busy time of year and I’ve never been very good at making room for margin, but I have no choice.   I can’t jump in and out of the car and power out all of my errands in an hour. Just opening the car door, turning on the engine and buckling my seatbelt with one hand take a ridiculous amount of time.  Instead of squeezing extra things into my schedule, I’m learning to decide what to save for later, or not to do at all.  (I now plan trips to Costco around my boys–they do the heavy lifting and push the super-sized cart, I buy the pizza to show them my gratitude.)

Although I’ve been convicted about this topic for weeks, I’ve been hesitant to write about it. I guess it would be hypocritical if I didn’t admit that I find mastering the art of margin elusive. Maybe sharing this ongoing struggle with you will give us a chance to learn and grow together.

As I thought more about this, I realized Jesus provides some excellent examples to help us understand how to establish margin in our lives. A quick look through the book of Matthew showed me the following:

-Jesus was proactive about maintaining margin:

Once he began his public ministry, it didn’t take long for people to swarm around him in hopes of seeing or experiencing a miracle. Yet, Jesus knew when it was time to make some margin: “When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake.” (Matthew 8:18, NIV) He withdrew even when he hadn’t met all of the needs of those demanding his attention.  Jesus knew when it was time to pause amidst endless demands on his time. We would be wise to do the same.

-Jesus made time for margin for his emotional health

At one point, he received the devastating news that his cousin, John the Baptist, had been beheaded. Scripture tells us: “When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.” (Matthew 14:13a, NIV) If God incarnate needed time to pull away and deal with his emotions, it’s safe to bet that we need it too. Ignoring our own emotional needs is a recipe for breakdowns, bitterness and burnout.

-Jesus took time to retreat with those closest to him

“After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves.” (Matthew 17:1, NIV) All of us need time to retreat from the busyness of the world and to re-connect with those we love.   These times are necessary for maintaining healthy relationships and getting needed rejuvenation. The other people and activities demanding our time will still be there when we return.

Not only did Jesus exemplify the importance of having margin, he also invites us to include him in our efforts to create it: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

If fighting for margin is a struggle for you like it is for me, you may want to take time to learn more about its importance. Try reading one of the books suggested below for additional inspiration this summer.   Click on the links to learn more about them.

Margin by Richard Swenson

http://www.amazon.com/Margin-Restoring-Emotional-Financial-Overloaded/dp/1576836827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1464631345&sr=8-1&keywords=Margin

 The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst

The Problem with People-Pleasing

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time.

IMG_7823 My strained smile gave an answer before I even opened my mouth. My husband had spontaneously invited me to cancel my morning plans so we could spend time together. I wanted to say “yes,” I really did. But the hesitation in my response betrayed my thoughts. There were several friends I had plans with that would be disappointed by my last-minute cancellation. It was a true dilemma for a people-pleaser like me. No matter how I answered, I would be letting someone down.

Realizing the struggle I was facing, my husband stayed upbeat. “Sounds like the timing doesn’t work for today. We can do it another time.” He didn’t want me to feel bad, but I still did. He kissed me goodbye and left for the day as I stewed in guilt and frustration. How many times had I found myself in this situation? I hated saying “no” if it meant someone was going to be disappointed, even if it was the right choice to make.

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time. I go through phases where I’m strong and confident and it’s less of an issue and other seasons when I’m racked with guilt anytime I think I’ve failed someone. People pleasers have been around for generations but just so we’re clear, here’s my definition (based on personal experience):

A people pleaser is constantly aware of the wants and needs of those around her. She feels overly responsible for others. She bases her sense of well being on the happiness of others in her presence. She rarely asserts her own wants for fear she will displease others. She often has no opinion because she wants to do whatever makes those in her presence most happy or comfortable. She has trouble receiving kind gestures from others because she constantly feels bad and assumes she is being an inconvenience or an annoyance.

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity, not courtesy, kindness or love.

Self- Evaluation:

Does the definition make you squirm? Here are a few things to consider as you evaluate your people pleasing tendencies:

-How often do you say, “I feel bad” or “I feel guilty” when you don’t meet an expectation you think someone else has for you?

Before going any further, think about why you feel bad or guilty. Is it because you are worried about what someone will think of you? Is it because you see a need you are unable to meet? Is it because you are choosing to do nothing when you should be doing something? Try to determine the root cause and then either do something about it or stop feeling guilty (which isn’t biblical anyway). When we serve and help others, it needs to be out of love, not guilt.

-How often do you say “I should” or “I had to”?

This can be a sign that your motivation is external rather than internal. Sometimes there are things you genuinely “should” do such as helping someone in an emergency or meeting a need that is appropriate for you to fill. Sometimes we do things because the Bible says we should. They are the right things to do. Other times, however, people pleasers feel they must do certain things in order to meet someone else’s expectations. You don’t “have” to do something just because you’ve always done it or because someone thinks you would be good at it (especially if it’s a volunteer commitment.)

No Joy in Serving

One thing is sure, when you say “yes” because you feel guilty about letting someone down, there will be little joy in your act of kindness. The thrill of saying, “yes” to please another person fades quickly if that is your only motivation. If there is no joy behind your choice to serve, bitterness results. Plus, the person being served doesn’t feel especially loved if your actions are motivated purely by guilt or duty.

Pleasers Confuse Others

People pleasers are confusing or frustrating to others because you never know what they really want. It becomes a guessing game to figure out if their answers are genuine or simply said to please you (this is part of a pleaser’s inability to receive kind gestures from others.)

No- Win Situation

It’s no secret that people are fickle. Trying to please people is a losing battle because they change their minds regularly. It is impossible to please multiple people simultaneously when they have differing opinions. Trying to do it is like attempting to submerge a bunch of Ping-Pong balls in a bucket. There is no way to hold all of them under water at the same time, no matter how hard you try!  (I attempted it just to make sure).

IMG_7830

Please God, Bless People

The apostle Paul sums this up simply- our goal needs to be pleasing Christ, not others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, NIV) Make it your goal to please God. Doing this will honor Him and ultimately bless others.

Music to Encourage You

Sometimes people pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We try hard to measure up through earning favor with others. Yet in God’s eyes, we’re already made perfect through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Click on the link to hear Mercy Me’s inspiring new song “Flawless.”

Recommended Reading

If people-pleasing is an issue for you or someone you love, here are two books you will find helpful:

Speaking the Truth in Love: How To Be an Assertive Christian by Ruth N. Koch & Kenneth C. Haugk

The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa TerKeurst