Trying Softer

My younger son’s birthday is right around the corner. Every year as the thermometers rise and we turn the page to August, I think of the summer I was pregnant with him. We had some extreme heat that year and when I was almost full-term, there were days I felt I was being crowded out of my own body. The heat and physical discomfort made me determined to go into labor, so I started taking brisk walks in hopes of kicking my body into gear. I’ll never forget leaving the house one evening while my husband stayed back to put our two-year-old to bed. Sitting beside our pajama-clad son as they waved goodbye at the window, my husband called out “Remember, you’re not going to walk that baby out! He’ll come when he’s ready.” I was determined to prove him wrong, but labor ended up starting days later at a time and place that was not what I would have chosen.

Trying hard makes us feel powerful—like we can force a specific outcome and make circumstances unfold in the timing want. Unfortunately, though, it often causes us to think our effort is the most important factor.

In both parenting and ministry, I’ve learned that trying softer leaves more room for God to work and enables relationships to stay healthier. Taking this posture looks more passive but actually diverts our energy towards prayer and reliance on the Holy Spirit. It invites God to work in His timing and according to His plans. Trying softer means trusting Him to produce the fruit of patience, gentleness, and self-control when we’re tempted to take matters into our own hands and act with impatience, harshness, and impulsivity (see Galatians 5:22). Let’s explore a couple of real life examples to see how this looks

One of the most humbling places I’ve learned about trying softer has been in my role as a mom. My husband and I had always assumed our kids would go to college. As a former high school teacher, I looked forward to helping my boys chart a path that would open opportunities for higher education. However, at the start of his sophomore year, one of my sons began balking at my suggestions. He wanted nothing to do with building a resumé of experiences to showcase on college applications. Positioning himself to earn academic and extracurricular honors wasn’t compelling to him. No matter how I much I reasoned with him, he refused to listen.

Underlying tension simmered between us for months until it boiled over one day when I was peppering him with yet another helpful, albeit unsolicited, suggestion. In exasperation, my son cut me off mid-sentence and snapped: “College is stupid and a waste of money.” Offended and frustrated, I held back from spewing out an emotional reaction. In that moment, I realized trying harder to persuade him would have divided us even further.

Later, after much prayer and discussion, my husband and I agreed to let our son chart his path forward; all talk of college ceased in our household. We held our tongues but continued to pray that God would lead him to discover his passions and pursue the path that was best for him. Although it was difficult, we let go of the notion that college was his only option and waited to see how his plans would unfold.

Two years later, as our son prepared to start his senior year, I summoned the courage to ask about his post-high school plans. To my surprise, he told me he was interested in college and asked if I would help him with the application process. He later admitted to me that the pressure I had put on him to build his resumé felt inauthentic—like I was trying to make him “show well” to impress others instead of letting his genuine interests reveal who he was. He felt like a commodity to which I was trying to add value. It was sobering and convicting to hear his perspective. That fall he applied to four schools, received acceptances to all of them, and ended up choosing a small Christian college I never would have considered for him. 

This past May, my son graduated from that school after four incredible years. He thrived and grew there intellectually, spiritually, and relationally. Never once did I see a grade he received, but we often talked about what he was learning there. He gained valuable insights studying abroad in far flung places like Egypt, Israel, and India. At graduation he wore a cord around his neck signifying he’d completed his degree cum laude. He hadn’t even bothered to tell my husband and me. By easing off, we’d let him navigate decisions, make mistakes, and take ownership of his education. Better still, the change in our approach improved our relationship in ways we hadn’t anticipated.

The wisdom I’ve gleaned about trying softer has also benefitted me in ministry. I love serving and leading, but sometimes my enthusiasm creates a false sense of urgency. My desire to implement a vision and move plans forward can be on a timetable that’s a bit too aggressive. Trying harder to push my agenda or timeline often leads to hasty decisions, hard feelings, and frustrating interactions. 

After several missteps, I’ve learned the value of trying softer by pausing to pray and to give others time to do the same. Planning, serving, and leading in ministry without seeking God first is the opposite of abiding with Jesus. We can do nothing of spiritual significance on our own wisdom and strength. That’s what Jesus means when He says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5, NIV)

Just like with my son, patience, gentleness and self-control have helped me to try softer and have given the Lord room to work. Instead of pressuring people to make a decision, say yes to serving, or provide information I need, I’ve learned to give them time to respond thoughtfully. Treating others gently frees them to say “yes” or “no” with joy instead of guilt. Relying on the Holy Spirit’s guidance as I lead has created meaningful ministry bonds, lasting friendships, and zero drama.

Where are you tempted to try harder to force your agenda? How might trying softer increase your trust in God and improve your relationships? Consider praying and asking the Lord to show you one place in your life where you need more patience, gentleness, and self-control. Abide in Him and watch the fruit He bears through you.

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Balance and Blind Spots

Have you ever driven a car with unbalanced wheels? If so, you’ve probably experienced a vibrating, bumpy ride. Ignoring the warning signs means wearing your tires unevenly and having to buy new ones sooner than you’d like. Or, have you ever driven a car with a huge blind spot? You glance over your shoulder before changing lanes but still miss the car coming up beside you until you nearly collide with it. While balance issues and blind spots are problematic out on the road, they also have detrimental effects in our personal lives—especially when it comes to serving others.

Discovering and using our spiritual gifts feels energizing and inspiring. Doing the good things God has “prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10) brings deep joy and fulfillment. What can be challenging, though, is learning to balance that satisfying sense of purpose with other responsibilities in our lives that require our ongoing attention. Sometimes we’re passionate about opportunities to use our time and gifts, but we must also be discerning about maintaining healthy margin. I’ve learned this (sometimes the hard way) through situations with my immediate and extended family over the past decade.

Seeking the Spirit’s discernment for setting priorities and managing time commitments has become a regular practice for me. I don’t want my household to dread every time I agree to teach, lead, mentor, or serve. So, maintaining a healthy balance between ministering to others, caring for myself, and spending time with my family keeps me from getting burnt out and them from getting bitter.

Our time and energy are finite, so with every “yes” we are inadvertently saying “no” to something else. It’s taken a while to realize the value of having margin and not cramming my schedule completely full. If I give all of my effort, energy, and attention to serving others, I don’t have much left for my family or other personal relationships. We live in a world that leads us to believe we can operate at full capacity 24/7– that we can “have it all” and “do it all” with no fallout or negative consequences. In reality though, we are not limitless. Relationships suffer when we go on autopilot and stop nurturing them.

God gave me perspective on this when I took on a significant leadership role at church just as my mom’s declining health forced her to stop driving. Although others also stepped in to help, I became responsible for accompanying her on most appointments. Some days it felt like I knew my mom’s doctors, medications, and health issues more intimately than my own. I took care of her needs efficiently, but often felt distracted and anxious to move on to the next responsibility in my day.  My mom was keenly aware of how busy life was for me. Time spent with her revolved around accomplishing tasks. Adding time to do enjoyable things together was a luxury I didn’t feel I could afford.

During that season, the Lord revealed a huge blind spot in my attitude. I realized that rushing through time spent with my mom was both hypocritical and unloving. Through the gentle but firm conviction of the Holy Spirit, I stopped treating her like a task to check off on my to-do list. Inspired by Colossians 1:11, I started praying before I’d pick her up, asking for endurance and patience. I wanted God to help me serve her with a spirit of love instead of obligation. When she felt self-conscious about taking time from my other “important” responsibilities, I began reassuring her that she wasn’t an inconvenience or an interruption from “real” ministry. Not only did this improve our relationship, it brought both of us more joy and peace.

If we serve people at church or out in the world, but find the needs of our own families irritating, there’s a blind spot that needs to be addressed. Using all of our energy to pour into others means giving our families a depleted, exhausted version of ourselves. And overlooking them also means we’re missing out on some beautiful ways God can use us and forge meaningful family relationships. First Corinthians 13 describes what love looks like: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV) Is there something in this description that convicts you? Will you commit to asking the Lord to help you with it? Let’s strive to show this kind of love to people we serve in ministry, as well as our families and those we encounter out in the world.

If you’re like me and struggle with wanting to say “yes” to all the things, consider where you might be out of balance. Before agreeing to the next exciting ministry endeavor, pause to pray for God’s clear leading. Ask your family and/or wise friends if they think it’s the right fit and timing; humbly allow them to identify any blind spots you may be missing. Consider your season of life and the other responsibilities you already have. Taking time to evaluate before diving in allows you to say “yes” or “no” with confidence. Serving with balance and without blind spots brings joy to you and blessing to everyone else in your life.

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Want to learn more about healthy balance? Check out Lisa Terkeurst’s book: The Best Yes.

Let it Unfold

It’s been almost a year since God answered an angsty prayer by speaking to me in a dream. I’d found myself in a familiar situation—coordinating logistics for my family’s schedule and feeling frustrated that everyone wasn’t in sync. A tense conversation with one of my kids hadn’t ended well and I’d gone to bed discouraged. After tossing and turning for several hours, I fell into a fitful sleep while my brain continued to process a solution to our stalemate. 

My son’s lack of willingness to adjust to my plan was going to cost time and money as well as causing great inconvenience. Before falling asleep, I’d been weighing the different approaches I could use to get him to see the situation from my perspective. Exhausted, I eventually drifted off to sleep when, just before waking, calming words in a dream filled me with peace. I don’t think I heard the Lord audibly, but His message was clear: “Let it unfold.”

Pulling back the covers in the dawn light, I chose to trust God’s gentle voice as I anticipated the day ahead. Instead of trying to convince my son to get on board with my logistically “superior” plan, I held off and opted to let events unfold without intervening. A few months later, when the plans came to fruition, I understood what the Lord had been doing. The plan that, in my mind, had seemed illogical and inconvenient actually turned out to be God’s provision—a needed respite in an unexpected season of intensity in our family.

I view time as a precious commodity and see efficiency as the key to prevent wasting it. There’s nothing I love more than a well-crafted plan that works out exactly as I expect. But in the past year, the Lord has reminded me again and again of that phrase He gave me last summer: “Let it unfold.” When I’m tempted to speak up and step in to fix, suggest, or point out a better way to do something, I’m learning to pause and pray first. In my attempts to help others or improve situations, my proactivity can short-circuit the learning process for someone else. Worse still, it can squelch the Holy Spirit from moving or speaking.

We live in a fast-paced world and most of us don’t believe we have time to slow down and let things unfold, but that’s not the way of Jesus. When I’m tempted to rush or to force my plan on someone else, I’m reminded that Jesus was never in a hurry. He never rushed. Likewise, God never forces Himself or His plans on us. He waits patiently and delights when we choose to follow His ways instead of ours. I love how Jesus says this in The Message (a contemporary language paraphrase of the Bible): 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Learning to “let it unfold” has been an exercise in restraint for the past year. But as I’ve held back and waited longer than I would have preferred, I’ve watched the Lord move and have witnessed His “unforced rhythms of grace” more times than I can count. Sometimes it’s with one of my adult kids, other times, it’s been with extended family, or people I serve with or lead in ministry. Letting things unfold has helped me avoid unneeded tension with others that often comes with unsolicited advice, unwelcome opinions, and forced decisions. The Lord has shed light on pride that leads me to see my way of doing things as “best.” He’s humbled me and helped me to recognize the beauty of letting others learn through experience instead of being subjected to my “helpful” suggestions. I’m still growing in patience but am seeing the positive results of trusting His timing instead of acting on my impulses. 

What about you? Are you ever tempted to intervene and fast track the learning process for someone else? Do you sometimes want to help others see the value of your perspectives or opinions whether they’re ready to listen or not? Are you quick to offer a suggestion or observation before inviting the Holy Spirit to intercede? Letting things unfold doesn’t mean doing nothing, but it does mean pausing to pray. Sometimes the Lord may prompt you to speak up or step in; at other times He’ll guide you to hold off and wait. Seeking His guidance enables you to be confident that you’re relying on God’s wisdom instead of your knee-jerk response.

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Bad Story, Good Lessons

She was a young teenager, the only daughter among a crowd of sons. Living in a new place, she was curious about clothes, customs, and social events that were different from her family’s. Most likely she was also a little naïve, not considering the harm that could come to her by sneaking away to mix with new friends at a local festival.

He was accustomed to getting his way. As a young man of privilege, he probably carried a sense of entitlement. When he saw something he wanted, he took it and dealt with the consequences later. Maybe he knew his powerful father would follow behind him to clean up the mess. So when he saw the new girl in town, he didn’t think twice about pursuing her. Maybe it started out as a friendly flirtation, but it quickly escalated into something entirely different. No one had any idea how the collision of these two lives would forever change the city and the family who had come to live on its outskirts.

Sounds like the makings of a modern movie, doesn’t it? Actually, it’s the story of Jacob’s daughter, Dinah, and the prince of Shechem, as told in the book of Genesis (with a bit of creative license based on commentaries). It’s a sordid tale that makes us uncomfortable, but there are things we can learn if we’re willing to move past our squeamishness. Finding personal application in it reminds us that times have changed, but human nature has remained the same.

Dinah’s Downfall: “Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see the women of the land. And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her, he seized her and lay with her and humiliated her. And his soul was drawn to Dinah the daughter of Jacob. He loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her. So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, ‘Get me this girl for my wife.’” (Genesis 34:1-3, NIV)

Scholars believe Dinah was a young adolescent, somewhere between the ages of 12 and 16. Naturally, she was curious and interested in developing her social life, as most teens would be. But her parents hadn’t equipped her with the wisdom to recognize the dangers of the outside world. No one explained how vulnerable she would be out on her own, even in a place that looked so inviting. In fact, no one seemed to be paying much attention to her until it was too late. 

It’s tempting to point the finger of blame at the family members who didn’t seem to value Dinah enough to watch out for her. But how often can we be guilty of the same today? Teenagers may look like adults who eagerly exert their independence, but we’re fooling ourselves if we think they know how to navigate the world entirely on their own (both online and in real life). Sheltering adolescents seems like a quick fix, but isn’t realistic or beneficial to them. Leaving them to their own devices isn’t the answer either. We need to find middle ground where we’re engaged in their lives and connecting with them consistently so we can earn their trust. Only then will they be open to receiving the truth and wisdom they need from adults to make wise choices. If you’re not parenting a teen, you still have opportunities to connect and pour into them in many ways—whether it’s as a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a neighbor, a youth leader, a co-worker, a work supervisor, a teacher, a mentor, a coach, a tutor, or any other role that puts you in contact with this precious and vulnerable age group. (See below for helpful resources on understanding teens and their world).

Dinah’s Brothers Misuse God’s Covenant: “The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and his father Hamor deceitfully, because he had defiled their sister Dinah. They said to them, ‘We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one who is uncircumcised, for that would be a disgrace to us. Only on this condition will we agree with you—that you will become as we are by every male among you being circumcised.  Then we will give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters to ourselves, and we will dwell with you and become one people. But if you will not listen to us and be circumcised, then we will take our daughter, and we will be gone.’” (Genesis 34:13-17, NIV)

Jacob’s sons used the sacred sign of God’s covenant as a tool of manipulation. Insisting that all the men of the town be circumcised was a ruse for making them vulnerable to attack. Using anything God has given us to inflict harm on others has no place in the life of a believer. It’s dishonoring to Him and defiles the sacred things He’s given us. The Church has had many shameful seasons in history when hateful acts were committed in the name of the Lord. We shouldn’t use pressure or manipulation to force people into God’s ways. Our role is to plant seeds of faith, it’s the Holy Spirit who makes them grow and brings true life transformation.

Dinah’s Brothers Take Revenge: “And all who went out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male was circumcised, all who went out of the gate of his city. On the third day, when they were sore, two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took their swords and came against the city while it felt secure and killed all the males. They killed Hamor and his son Shechem with the sword and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house and went away. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain and plundered the city, because they had defiled their sister.” (Genesis 34:24-27, NIV)

Simeon and Levi decided to stand up for their sister and take their revenge to a gruesome extreme. In the process, they ruined the lives of everyone in Shechem and made their family a stench in the land. What they did was so detestable that their father cursed them on his deathbed:

“Simeon and Levi are brothers—  their swords   are weapons of violence. Let me not enter their council, let me not join their assembly, for they have killed men in their anger and hamstrung oxen as they pleased. Cursed be their anger, so fierce, and their fury, so cruel! I will scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel.” (Genesis 49:5-7, NIV)

Dinah’s brothers probably imagined how satisfying it would be to get revenge, but it backfired on them in the end.  When we’ve been wronged, Scripture instructs us not to give in to our thirst for revenge: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:17-21, NIV) Rather than bringing peace and contentment, revenge only escalates painful situations and perpetuates hate and violence. Trust God to handle vengeance and do your best to live at peace with everyone.

How I wish Dinah could have heard the words of “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle. Let the song comfort you and remind you of God’s attentiveness in whatever difficulties you’re facing. (Once you click below, a new window will open, then click “Watch on YouTube”).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgkNB4939YM

Want more info on how to understand teens and their culture? Check out these resources:

Axis.org

Teenesteem.org

Chapclark.com

Joyfully Sad

It’s the little things that catch me by surprise—the lone toothbrush on the counter where there used to be two, the neatly made bed that wasn’t slept in the night before, or the empty hamper that used to be overflowing no matter how often I did the laundry. From my description, it almost sounds as if we’ve had a death in the family. And although we are grieving the absence of our first born, he’s not only alive and well, but thriving as a freshman in college. I wasn’t prepared for the conflicting feelings that would accompany his departure: the deep ache of knowing that our family will never be quite the same contrasted by the profound joy of watching our son launch into adulthood.

I braced myself for his departure during his senior year. Tears flowed at different milestones: making his last school lunch, waving as he and his brother drove off together on the final day of school, watching him cross the stage at graduation. The intensity of emotions increased at the end of the summer when we flew 1500 miles from home to get him settled at college.  Toggling between the joy of watching him embrace his new surroundings and the sadness of leaving him felt like a wild ride on a wobbly see-saw.

Since returning, we’re slowly adjusting to setting three places at the table instead of four. I miss swapping sections of the newspaper with him at breakfast and the camaraderie of working side by side at computers in our office. It doesn’t take much for a lump to form in my throat these days. I could easily wallow in sadness thinking about the magnitude of this change in our family. Lamenting about how things will never be the same can feel like swimming in an overcoat—I could easily drown in sorrow. Letting the tears flow is healthy and good, but lingering too long in sadness is not. It will only wear a groove in my brain that leads me down the same negative path over and over again.

With my son’s departure, I’ve been reflecting on my own college years. My parents laid a solid foundation for me in the first eighteen years of my life, but I had to launch from home to continue building on that foundation. They had to take a lesser role for me to mature fully. I wouldn’t want to deny my son that same experience. And really, isn’t that the whole point of parenting?

Our children arrive in our lives as tiny, needy little people. They start out relying on us for everything. But with each stage of development, they take one step closer to independence. We cheer for them when they first crawl and later walk. We’re relieved when they begin to eat, dress and bathe on their own. They start school and we coach them toward taking responsibility and doing homework without being reminded. At each stage of parenting, we’re teaching them a little more about how to navigate the world without us.

A friend recently coined the term “joyfully sad” to describe the paradox of this season. It perfectly describes the tangle of emotions that arise when grown children are finally ready to launch. They will always be our kids, but that hands-on parenting of their first eighteen years is no longer needed. And this is good and right.

Part of what makes childhood something to savor is that it doesn’t last. There is beauty in things that are fleeting—whether it is a delicate flower, a vibrant sunrise, or a newborn baby. There’s no time to take them for granted because they fade and change so quickly. Instead we enjoy them while we can.

My husband and I soaked in every moment with our son during our last few days with him at his new school. Before the dreaded time came to meet him on campus to say goodbye, we clasped hands to pray in our hotel room. Amidst the tears of joy and sadness, we thanked God for entrusting him to us and giving us the privilege of raising him for eighteen years.  And then we gave him back to the God who knew him, loved him, and chose him especially for us before time began. Our son was entrusted to us for a season and we relished every moment of his childhood. He will always be our precious boy. We know we have many milestones yet to share with him. And as the next leg of his journey begins, we are learning to adapt to our changing role.  Although we no longer see him daily, we rest in the knowledge that God remains at his side for this season and all the others that lie ahead.

Faith Foundations #1

With most of my commitments taking a break for the summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about transitions lately. The biggest change I’m anticipating, though, is having my oldest child graduating from high school and leaving for college in August.  This week he turns 18 and becomes a legal adult. I can hardly believe it.  My husband and I have prayed and prepared for this season for a long time.

As I gear up for his departure, I decided this summer’s blog posts would focus on different key Scriptures that have been personally meaningful to me. My prayer is that I can entrust these foundations of my faith to others, including my son.  To kick off the series, I’m sharing a story I wrote several years ago when he was learning to drive. I hope it sets the stage for future posts about foundations of faith that equip us for the road ahead.

I hope you’ll join me this summer as I reflect on what God has taught me through the highs and lows of my journey with Him. And maybe, my son and a few others heading off to college can glean some wisdom to carry with them as they begin the next chapter of their lives. As you read the story, think about what God might be teaching you right now…

Giving Up the Driver’s Seat

The pavement glistens in the weak sunlight as my son and I walk through the parking lot, thankful for a break in the storm. As I dig for the keys in my purse, my fifteen-year-old sidles up beside me and flashes a grin.  “Hey Mom, I brought my permit.  Can I drive home?”

            Looking up at the sky, I try to gauge if the clouds are dissipating or gathering momentum for another deluge.  Weather forecasters have been calling the storm an “atmospheric river,” and are predicting we’ll be doused with heavy rain throughout the weekend.   

            “I don’t know, buddy.  How do you feel about driving over the bridge if it starts raining again?  Do you know what to do?”  I’m trying to decide if this is a good chance for him to gain experience behind the wheel or if it’s dangerous in the volatile conditions.  I fret about the long drive and the ten-mile stretch across a bridge spanning storm-tossed waters.

            “Mom, I got this.  Besides, you always say you want me to experience driving in all kinds of conditions before I get my license.  We may not have another storm like this before I turn sixteen.”

            He has a point.  We are in our third year of a drought and he may not have many opportunities to drive in wet weather.  Handing him the keys, I say a silent prayer and think, this is one of the best or worst parenting decisions I’ve ever made.    

            Buckling myself into the passenger seat, I realize teaching my firstborn to drive is yet another adventure in parenting.  From the time he was little, I’ve braced myself for each new transition.  When he was only a preschooler, a lump would form in my throat every time we drove by the elementary school he would eventually attend.  Milestones like starting Kindergarten and middle school have been filled with emotion for me. Equipping my kids for adulthood means they will need me less and rely on themselves more.  This is the way things should be, but it doesn’t make letting go any easier.

            A few minutes later, we’re merging onto the freeway when the first drops start coming down. The storm unleashes its fury just as we make the ascent onto the bridge. The windshield wipers can’t clear the water fast enough, even going at full speed.  Our lives are literally in the hands of my fifteen-year-old son.  I’ve never been more keenly aware that he is in the driver’s seat; I’m just along for the ride.

            The car ride reminds me of the way my husband and I have been parenting since the birth of our oldest. Although it has often been tempting to try and orchestrate circumstances for our son who loves order and predictability, we felt this would not equip him to handle difficulties as he grew up. We believe our kids need to learn how to navigate life’s challenges so they’ll be strong and capable people.  However, this moment in the car is the first time I’ve ever helped my son navigate an actual storm.  

            As he drives across the bridge I keep a watchful eye on the road and reassure myself with memories of other challenging circumstances that have been catalysts for his growth. I remember when he struggled with a chaotic classroom environment in elementary school but had ultimately mastered tuning out distractions and remaining focused.  I’d never realized how thankful I am he’d learned that lesson until I look out the window at the stormy skies.  Behind the wheel, he doesn’t flinch despite the slick pavement and minimal visibility.

            The more I think of past challenges he’s overcome, the more confident I feel.  When we finally ease into the driveway at home, relief and pride wash over me.  My son didn’t panic once on the harrowing drive. I am exhausted; he seems unfazed.

            In a few months, this boy, my firstborn, will be leaving home.  He’ll launch into adulthood as he begins a new chapter in college. But, if the past is any indicator, I know he is going to navigate the road ahead with the same cool confidence that he did that day on the bridge.  His quiet faith, strong character, and unwavering integrity have been prayed into his life since before he was born.          

            And although my heart aches to think of the day he’ll leave home, I know with God at his side, his words to me in the parking lot that day will still be true: “I’ve got this, Mom.”

            I can think of no song more fitting to share with this story and to  kick off this series than “The Words I Would Say” by Sidewalk Prophets.

 

 

The Can of Worms We Must Open

If we’re not actively engaging in shaping our kids’ sexual identities, we are letting the world do it for us. What they’re learning is completely contrary to God’s plan. We cannot allow our culture to influence our kids with the idea that the Bible’s teaching about sex is outdated or irrelevant.

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A few years ago I was hiking with a group of moms from my boys’ elementary school. Among the group of thirty friends and acquaintances, I ended up on the trail with two women that I only knew casually. As we climbed the winding path beneath a canopy of trees, one of them started sharing about her eight-year-old son who was asking questions about sex. She was shocked that a child still in elementary school was already curious and fretted about how to handle his questions. My heart started to pound faster, not because of the hill we were climbing but because I knew God was prompting me to say something. It seemed clear that she was grasping for a plan to navigate these uncharted waters of parenting.

After she finished sharing, she looked to her friend and me and asked, “So, how do you guys handle the whole topic of sex with your kids? I feel like it’s just opening a big can of worms.”

Her friend grimaced before answering. “I just avoid it and change the subject. It’s so awkward.”

I breathed a prayer and chimed in with a different perspective. “Well, my husband and I started talking about sex with our boys when they were pretty little. We knew by talking about it with them when they were so young would make it less awkward when they were older. Plus, it would enable us to be the first ones to share information with them, so we could begin to shape their views about sexuality. We wanted them to see us as credible sources of information so they wouldn’t be embarrassed asking us questions.”

Both women looked surprised and stared at me wide-eyed. Finally, one responded, “Seriously? You started talking about it with them before they were even asking about it? Wasn’t it awkward? Weren’t you embarrassed?”

We continued walking as I shared about the different resources we’d used to guide our conversations. I explained that talking about sex with our kids happened in short snippets over time. We had an open dialogue so that we could address issues and questions in age-appropriate ways rather than having “the talk” that people dread so much. We wanted to give them time to absorb information little by little so that they could build on their knowledge base.

When the hike ended, one of the women asked for more information on where to find resources, which I gladly shared. As I drove home, I started thinking about the paradox in our society regarding sex. Our culture is saturated with it. Even when we’re not seeking it, we’re continually bombarded with magazine covers, TV shows, music and billboards with overt or subtle messages about sex. Our kids are learning about it all the time through their exposure to popular culture. And yet, for as sex-obsessed as our western society seems to be, most parents dread educating their kids and having frank conversations about how to handle their sexuality as they mature.

For followers of Jesus, we should know better. If we’re not actively engaging in shaping our kids’ sexual identities, we are letting the world do it for us. What they’re learning is completely contrary to God’s plan.

First and foremost, we need to have a clear understanding of what the Bible teaches about sex. Before we can talk with our kids, we need to know and embrace God’s boundaries for it. A quick glance at any concordance reveals that the Bible has much to say on the topic. Here is one passage from the many choices:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, NIV)

In case we need further clarification about God’s plan for sex, the book of Hebrews emphasizes that God intends it for marriage alone.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4, NIV)

We cannot allow our culture to influence our kids with the idea that the Bible’s teaching about sex is outdated or irrelevant. It may surprise you to learn that when Paul wrote to the Thessalonians they were living in a sex-saturated culture. In her session five video in the Children of the Day study, Beth Moore shared information about how people viewed sex in Thessalonica during the time of Paul’s ministry there. I looked up the commentary she referenced and found this description:

“In antiquity, ethics was the domain of the philosophers and not of the gods. Normally religion did not have anything to do with the moral-ity of the worshipers. In fact, a number of cults promoted a lifestyle that would have been viewed as immoral from a Christian perspective. Dio-nysus, the god of wine and drunkenness, is depicted in reliefs, statues, and mosaics with a vine and grapes laced through his hair and a down- turned empty cup in his hand, a symbol of drunkenness…The god promoted drinking wine and encouraged this solitary so-ber man to seek the sexual pleasures Aphrodite brings. Aphrodite was herself the symbol of sexual license and the patroness of the prostitutes.”*

For Christians, maintaining sexual purity then was as difficult as it is now. Despite this, we must not forget that God created sex. He is not trying to take away our fun by placing clear boundaries around what is and is not part of His plan. He wants what is best for us, not what is easiest. Helping our children to understand this when they are young enables them to enter the teen years with a clear sense that God has something better for them than casual sex with random people. It protects them from the lifelong scars that come from being sexually active in each new relationship they enter before marriage. We are setting them up for a much healthier view of their sexuality than the world offers. Giving them clear explanations also helps them resolve to wait for covenant relationships with their future husbands or wives. Praying for them helps too.

My hiking partner was right in one way: teaching our kids about sex is a lot like opening a can of worms. It can be messy and complicated trying to deal with that tangled and writhing mass of topics that make us squirm. But when we control the can opener and the pace of emptying the can, we get to take out one worm at a time to examine it carefully. It’s a lot less overwhelming that way.

Maybe you’re open to the idea of talking with your kids about sex, but you don’t know how or where to start. First, pray that God will give you wisdom, calm your nerves, remove the awkwardness and provide good opportunities to begin the dialogue. From my experience, I found it’s best to set aside time intentionally with one child at a time. Here are a few resources that you also might find helpful:

-Christian author and speaker Maryflo Ridley was the first person who helped me understand the importance of teaching our kids and shaping their sexual identities while they were still young. Her website has a host of great resources:

http://maryflo.org/#&panel1-3

Books:

-For parents of kids from Kindergarten through middle school the God’s Design for Sex book series by Stan and Brenna Jones is a great jumping off place. It has age appropriate books to read with your kids at different stages in their development (the first one is for ages 5-8 and they go up from there)

-For parents of elementary age kids:

The Squire and the Scroll: A Tale of the Rewards of a Pure Heart by Jennie Bishop is a great book to build a foundation in your kids that values purity. It doesn’t discuss sex specifically, but lays a foundation for future conversations.

-For parents of middle school and high school aged kids:

Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter by Vicki Courtney

Five Conversations You Must have with Your Son by Vicki Courtney

And the Bride Wore White by Dannah K. Gresh

Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis (this book is more about what true manhood is, but the principles in it connect to how to treat women and sexuality)

-Other Websites for parents of teenagers:

http://vickicourtney.com

http://www.virtuousreality.com

If you need a little courage to begin this journey, click on the link to hear Shane Harper’s song “Hold You Up.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-iM3SveuVw

Moore, Beth; Children of the Day; 2014; Lifeway Press; http://www.lifeway.com

*The Pillar New Testament Commentary: The Letters to the THESSALONIANS, GENE L. GREEN, © 2002 Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing copied from http://www.wtsbooks.com/common/pdf_links/9780802837387.pdf