Category: People Pleasing

Against the Current

Part 1: Obeying God Rather Than Men

Gentle waves lapped at my ankles as I waded into the water clutching my boogie board. My two older brothers stood nearby cautioning me to let them test the conditions first. As a stubborn middle schooler, I was convinced this was a ploy to ditch me. They relented to prove me wrong and, with reluctance, beckoned me to join them. Within minutes we were caught in a powerful rip current, unable to paddle further out to the waves or to get back to the beach. Our only option was to swim toward a lava bed nearby. Within arms’ reach of our destination, a set of waves rolled in and heaved us onto the jagged shore. Gasping for air, I had no strength to fight the receding water pulling me back out. Had my brother not reached down and caught my wrist, I’m not sure I would have made it to safety. 

You probably know how difficult it is to swim counter to a strong current. Whether it’s literal or metaphorical, you understand how moving in opposition to an extreme force saps your strength and leaves you feeling helpless.

Maybe that’s why Peter and the other apostles inspire me so much in the book of Acts. Time and time again, they choose to paddle against the current of their culture for the sake of the gospel. One of the best examples is their reply to the Jewish elders who order them to cease preaching about Jesus. With boldness, they respond: “We must obey God rather than men.” (Acts 5:29b, ESV) Their confident and unwavering stance sets the tone for all followers of Jesus to remain steadfast in obedience to God despite persecution, ridicule, and rejection.

So how do we know when God is calling us to swim against the current? This can be a bit confusing since in most cases, Scripture calls followers of Jesus to obey human authorities (Romans 13:1–2; 1 Peter 2:13–14; Titus 3:1; Hebrews 13:17). We’re also urged to pray for those in power (1 Timothy 2:1–2; Romans 13:6–7). However, there are situations when human law or current culture contradicts God’s clear commands in the Bible. In those instances, we need to align with the Lord, even when following people or laws with lower standards would be easier.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.” Rather than defaulting to the path of least resistance in our culture, followers of Jesus need to seek understanding in challenging and confusing issues. John, who paddled against the current throughout Acts later wrote: “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:15-17, ESV)

Like Peter and the other apostles in Acts 5, we need to know and apply God’s Word when the world pressures us to affirm what the Bible condemns. It’s vital that we learn about thorny issues that make us uncomfortable by exploring the Bible, praying, and seeking wisdom from the Spirit—especially when the godly response isn’t clear cut. Peter explains this when he writes: “But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.” (1 Peter 3:15-17, ESV italics added for emphasis) 

Swimming against the current requires strength, wisdom and trustworthy companions. Consider where you may be prone to letting the current of our culture determine your views and responses. Ask the Lord to show you anywhere that you’re compromising with the world. Invite Him to give you greater understanding so you can align with His will. Then pray for the courage to take action on what He shows you. 

Part 2: Applying Truth Wisely

One word of caution: swimming against the current of the mainstream doesn’t automatically mean we’re aligned with Scripture. There are several mindsets that can lead us into faulty thinking–damaging our credibility as witnesses and hurting others. Here are several perspectives we’d be wise to avoid:

Falling into legalism. Webster’s Dictionary defines legalism as “strict, literal, or excessive conformity to the law or to a religious or moral code.” Relying primarily on opinions of one specific person, taking random Bible verses out of context, or automatically applying one principle to multiple situations veers us towards legalism. Legalism is a shortcut that limits deep thinking, overlooks prayer, fosters self-righteousness, and squelches spiritual discernment. These practices tend to make us harsh, judgmental, and insensitive. They lead us to focus on condemning others instead of discerning godly responses to them. We can avoid being legalistic by maintaining a teachable spirit, seeking wisdom in prayer, and examining Scripture thoroughly. Legalism often eliminates love and excuses bad behavior. Peter counters this saying: “The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:7-8, ESV)

Following false teachers. Believers must be knowledgeable about Scripture so they can recognize faulty teaching. There are many leaders and influencers who swim against the current in unbiblical ways. They mix a little bit of Scripture with a lot of worldly wisdom. False teachers use Christian language we recognize in ways that it was never intended. Often, they are funny, relatable, winsome, and compassionate. If you hear a wildly different interpretation of Scripture that seems to affirm ideas contrary to anything else you’ve learned, it’s time to do some research. Peter writes an entire chapter about this: “there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves. Many will follow their depraved conduct and will bring the way of truth into disrepute.” (2 Peter 2:1b-2, NIV)

Forgetting the real enemy. Swimming against the current sometimes fosters an “us versus them” mentality. It’s easy to slip into this mindset when we encounter people who think and act differently from us. Rather than drawing lines and becoming offended or condemning, we need to remember that people aren’t the true enemy, Satan is: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12, NIV) The apostle Paul gives clear wisdom for how to respond to those who differ from us: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”  (Romans 12:14-18, ESV)

Our culture today stands divided on many issues that are destroying families, ending friendships, and causing deep hurt. As followers of Jesus, our obedience to God matters more than anything else—but that shouldn’t be an excuse for poor behavior. We’ve received the power of the Holy Spirit to be witnesses of Jesus’ work in our lives. We’re called to a higher standard, so let’s swim against the current while avoiding these common pitfalls. Instead, let’s strive to reveal God’s love to a world that desperately needs hope that only the gospel can give.

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www.marybethmccullum.com: Against the Current

Not of the World

Studying in Europe for a few months in college taught me the importance of recognizing and valuing cultures that were different from mine. Although my group was in an English-speaking country, the customs and social cues had many differences from the US. The ways we looked and spoke as Americans made it obvious that we weren’t locals. Although we tried to be respectful and blend in, our identity was distinctly different from the people there. 

I’ve experienced that same feeling of being different even in the country where I was born. Rooting my identity in Jesus has affected the choices I make, the viewpoints I hold, the language I use, and the way I interact with others. I’m often out of sync with the dominant culture, but when I feel like the odd one out, I take comfort remembering that Jesus described His followers as “not of the world.” He prayed for them saying, “They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.” (John 17:17-18, NIV) 

Before continuing, let’s clarify what “the world” means here. Pastor John Mark Comer defines it as: “a system of ideas, values, practices and social norms that are institutionalized into a culture that is organized around rebellion against God and the redefinition of good and evil.”1

Jesus saw His disciples as citizens of heaven temporarily residing on earth. Knowing His followers would need help, He asked His Father to sanctify us (set us apart) by the truth. Since Jesus says that God’s word is truth, understanding and following it becomes essential for us as believers. Studying the Bible and praying are like fueling our cars with gas. Only after we’ve been still in God’s presence, connected with Him, and taken in His word can we go out into the world and live differently from it. 

Peter, one of Jesus’ closest companions, provides additional insights on this, reminding believers to live as strangers in the world. Take a look at these three translations of 1 Peter 1:17 to get the fullest picture of what he means:

“Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear.”  (NIV, italics added for emphasis)

“And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile.”  (ESV, italics added for emphasis)

“And remember that the heavenly Father to whom you pray has no favorites. He will judge or reward you according to what you do. So you must live in reverent fear of him during your time here as ‘temporary residents.’” (NLT, italics added for emphasis)

Living as an outsider, a foreigner, an exile, or a temporary resident means that we hold loosely to this world because we know better things are yet to come. Striking the delicate balance of remaining an outsider while finding connecting points with non-believers is key. As we seek ways to be culturally relevant, we must also live “in reverent fear,” recognizing that our love for God means aligning with the truth of His word instead of embracing worldly perspectives.  It’s not always easy, but Peter gives clear instructions on this:

“Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.” (1 Peter 1:13-14, NIV)

Here are a few practical ways to apply Peter’s wisdom to our lives:

-Remain clear thinking and obedient to God.  No matter what people or circumstances you encounter, view them through the lens of God’s grace. Base your confidence on Him, not on being liked or accepted by others. When engaging with non-believers, pray that you can be a greater influence on them than they are on you. And when people around you are embracing sin, remember we no longer live “in ignorance” as they do. Choosing not to take part shows you’re different and honors God more than anything you can say.

-Dialogue with people about perspectives that differ from yours but speak with gentleness and respect. (1 Peter 3:15) Ask the Lord to give you words of wisdom and grace for those who have accepted worldly influences and perspectives. Pray for empathy and sensitivity. Listen well. Be patient and gentle rather than becoming aggressive. Remember Scripture tells us to “speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

-Remain set apart (holy) in your actions and attitudes, but not in your proximity to non-believers.  Living in a Christian bubble and looking down on the world around you misses the point of Jesus’ prayer. We are strangers here for a season, so that we can lovingly share Christ with the broken world that desperately needs His saving grace. Pray for God to lead you and equip you to engage with people who are ready to hear about the hope found in Him.

Living in the world without being of the world requires an ongoing pursuit of God and a deepening knowledge of His word. Joining a Bible study or small group will provide the structure and accountability needed to press on. Maintaining godly relationships that spur on your faith will help to keep you aligned with God’s truth. The end of summer is the perfect time to get connected and prioritize spiritual growth. Why not find a group today and get started?

If the world is making you weary, you’ll find encouragement in “Strangers Here” by Tenth Avenue North. Click here to listen to the song.

1. Quote from John Mark Comer’s sermon “Fighting the Flesh, the Devil & The Way of the World.” You can also learn more about this topic from his book: Live No Lies: Recognize and Resist the Three Enemies that Sabotage Your Peace.

When Convenience Leads to Compromise

We first meet Elijah in 1 Kings 18 as he confronts wicked King Ahab of Israel and tells him the Lord will withhold rain from Israel for three years. To understand this bold confrontation, we need some historical context. Priscilla Shirer takes us back in time to Solomon’s dedication of the temple, “over the course of eight decades in Israel, spanning six different kings, the God-honoring families who once esteemed Him had incrementally relaxed their commitments. They’d departed from the singular worship of Yahweh. They’d welcomed idolatrous activity into their lives as an accepted practice.”1

This downward spiral picked up speed about 50 years before King Ahab, when his forefather, Jeroboam, became the first king of Israel’s Northern Kingdom. Jeroboam feared any threat to his power, especially from his southern rival in Judah, King Rehoboam. This fear led him to reinvent what and where his people worshiped: “After seeking advice, the king made two golden calves. He said to the people, ‘It is too much for you to go up to Jerusalem. Here are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.’”(1 Kings 12:28, NIV)

So, to maintain his power and influence, Jeroboam rejected the ways of the Lord by making new religious symbols (golden calves) and new sanctuaries closer to home. Additionally, he installed new priests who complied with his wishes instead of following the Word of God. Finally, he replaced the Lord’s decrees to celebrate festivals at specific times and created new ones to replace them.2 He did all of this under the pretense of making worship more convenient for his people.

This rejection of the Lord, His ways, and His decrees set up future generations of Israelites to follow similar patterns and to add additional offenses on top of them. Ironically, Jeroboam ignored the promise the Lord had made to him years earlier: “I will take you, and you will rule over all that your heart desires; you will be king over Israel. If you do whatever I command you and walk in obedience to me and do what is right in my eyes by obeying my decrees and commands, as David my servant did, I will be with you. I will build you a dynasty as enduring as the one I built for David and will give Israel to you.” (1 Kings 11:37b-38, NIV)

It seems so ridiculous, doesn’t it? We wonder how someone who had been promised so much could veer in the opposite direction and take a whole nation with him. It would be wise for us to learn from Jeroboam’s example and its consequences on future generations. Let’s examine them together.

-Jeroboam ignored God’s promises. He let fear of losing power and the desire to control his people drive him to create idols and devise new religious practices. It makes me wonder: When do we let fear cause us to ignore God’s promises? When are we so consumed with maintaining control of a situation that we do the opposite of what the Lord wants us to do? 

-Jeroboam made new gods for the Israelites to worship. People worship what captivates their time and attention. If we’re too busy or distracted to prioritize worshiping the Lord, praying, and Scripture reading, then what’s attracting our focus? We know better than to bow down to golden calves, but are there other less obvious “new gods” that dominate our thoughts and dictate our actions?

-Jeroboam used convenience as an excuse for compromise. Rather than traveling all the way to Jerusalem to worship in the temple, he created new sanctuaries closer to home. Where are we tempted to compromise for the sake of convenience? Are online church services making it easy to opt out of gathering with others for in-person worship? Do we tune out or numb ourselves when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin? Are we approaching church as consumers looking to be accommodated and expecting to be served? 

-Jeroboam appointed new priests who didn’t honor God or follow His Word. Are we tempted to follow the teachings of those who are revising beliefs to align with popular culture? Are we picking and choosing which biblical standards we want to follow? Are we replacing the authority of sound teaching with opinions of people who have charisma but lack character and biblical knowledge? 

-Jeroboam invented new religious festivals to replace ones instituted by God. Each feast on the Jewish calendar prompted God’s people to remember specific events that showed His faithfulness, or to make atonement for their sins. Additionally, observing the Sabbath created a weekly opportunity for the people to stop, slow down, and reconnect with the Lord. I wonder: Have we allowed holidays rooted in Scripture to be overshadowed by secular culture? Do we build in time for Sabbath rest once a week to experience spiritual refreshment and renewal? 

Those Old Testament stories that seem remote have more relevance than we realize at first glance. The questions I’ve asked may be unsettling, but they’re meant to help you consider any needed course corrections for your good. Are you willing to evaluate where you’re being influenced to compromise your faith for convenience, comfort, or acceptance?

Let Priscilla Shirer’s comments motivate you to realign with God’s truth and prioritize obedience to Him: “He has revealed Himself in creation so clearly that even those who aren’t seeking Him or wanting Him can be captivated by His majesty and power, His beauty and tenderness, as seen in the world around them. In fact, the evidence is so conspicuous that those who don’t believe are held responsible for ignoring it because in self-deceit they have willingly suppressed the mountain of evidence…When people foolishly declare there is no God, or when they dishonor Him by refusing to acknowledge Him or give Him due reverence, He eventually lets go. When people hate the things God has called good, or love the things He’s called evil, He finally just lets them have what they want, as well as the consequences that come with it.”3

Consider responding with a prayer like this: God, please make me more like Elijah. Show me where I’ve been tainted by idolatrous influences or dulled into spiritual apathy. Help me to recognize where I’ve compromised with secular culture and adopted attitudes and perspectives that align with it more than Your Word. Free me from the need to impress or please others. Help me to value your righteousness and to eliminate anything that I’m holding in higher regard than You.

While some people want to factor God out of the equation like Jeroboam did, the Lord’s power and presence remain as strong as ever. Be reminded of this by listening to “My God is Still the Same” by Sanctus Real.

  • 1. Priscilla Shirer, Elijah: Faith and Fire, Lifeway Press, 2020, p. 27
  • 2. John F. Walvoord and Roy B. Zuck, The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Victor Books, 1985, p. 512-514
  • 3. ibid, p.30 (commentary on Romans 1:28)

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Outward Show, Inward Resistance

Teaching our boys how to give a sincere apology was a big priority for my husband and me. We never wanted them to say a flippant “sorry” just for show or to appease us. So, we stressed the importance of sincerity, of having the words that came from their mouths be consistent with what they were really feeling in their hearts.

After one especially heated argument, we separated the boys to cool down before encouraging them to reconcile. A few minutes later, our older son pulled himself together and tried to smooth things over: “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” Still simmering with anger, his brother spat back, “Those are just words from your mouth, not feelings from your heart.” Even at that young age he understood the importance of authenticity and integrity.  (Honestly, I can’t recall whether my older son’s apology was sincere or my younger son was just lashing out because he was still mad).

I think this idea of consistency between our interiors and exteriors applies to our interactions with God also. It matters to Him that our words and actions align with our hearts. He values pure motives and selfless intentions, not hollow acts done to fulfill obligations. The first time we see this idea is in the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4. The brothers each present an offering before the Lord, but only one is found acceptable. Reading the story, we can make some educated guesses about why Cain’s offering didn’t find favor with God:

“In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.” (Genesis 4:3-5, NIV)

While Abel offered the firstborn of his flock, Cain brought “some of the fruits of the soil.” Based on other passages in Scripture, it seems the fact that Cain didn’t offer the first fruits was significant (See Deuteronomy 26:10, Exodus 13:2,12). Offerings were meant to honor God; giving the first and best demonstrated this. It also showed gratitude for the Lord’s provision and trust that He would continue to provide beyond the first yield of a crop or first birth of an animal.

Secondly, Cain’s reaction to the Lord’s explanation reveals there was no heart behind His offering: “Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.’” (Genesis 4:6-7, NIV)

Instead of having a contrite heart and being grieved that his offering didn’t please the Lord, Cain grew angry. He had gone through the outward show of honoring God, but his negative response betrayed an inner resistance. He was attempting to fulfill an obligation instead of truly worshiping the Lord.

So, what can we learn from Cain about bringing offerings before the Lord, whether it is our time, our gifts, our skills or our material resources? How can we avoid being like him and giving offerings that are unacceptable in the Lord’s sight?

The most important thing we can do is to engage our hearts when we give. Responding to the love of God and desiring to show Him honor and gratitude should always be the motivators for our giving. Maybe this story can prompt us to take inventory on what’s motivating us to give our time, talent and treasure to God.

Obligation: If we give because we “should,” we often do the bare minimum required. Maybe it’s using a food drive to offload some expired canned goods or buying the most inexpensive gifts you can find for the underprivileged family you adopted for Christmas. If you’re looking for the easiest and cheapest ways to give, you might be meeting an obligation rather than offering God your first and best.

Guilt: If you’re giving your time or resources because you feel bad or someone coerced you into it, the focus is on making yourself feel better or satisfying another person’s demands. There isn’t much room for honoring God with either of these attitudes.

Personal Agenda: If you’re motivated to give because it makes you look good or elevates your status with a group of people, then your giving is purely about you. If you want to be sure others know you’ve given (and how much) that should be a red flag that you’ve lost the right focus.

Getting Something in Return: If the only motivation for giving is getting a tax write off or the chance to win a prize or to receive a gift, then something is out of balance. If you give your time to make a business connection or to feel like you’re part of the “in” group or to receive special treatment from others, you’ve lost sight of the point of giving. Sometimes there are perks to offering our time and resources to God, but if they are our main motivation, then it’s honoring us, not Him.

Pleasing Others: Occasionally our giving is purely motivated by wanting to please others. Our offerings can sometimes be a result of peer pressure. We’re worried we’ll look bad if we don’t give/serve/participate. Ministries and good causes are typically started by people with passion and heart. When we forget the main purpose for our involvement and do it for ulterior reasons, honoring God is lost in the shuffle.

When we go through the motions of giving to God without engaging our hearts, our offerings become obligations to fulfill rather than acts of gratitude born out of love. It’s easy to look good on the outside by offering our time, talent and treasure to God. It’s more difficult to maintain authenticity with each gift we offer Him.

How important it is to remember “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7b, NIV)

Feeling convicted by something on the list above? Why not take it to God in prayer? Use Matthew West’s song “The Motions” to inspire you.

Jen Wilkin, God of Creation: A Study of Genesis 1-11 Week 6, Lifeway Press, 2017

Following the Shepherd’s Voice

Leaning forward, I placed my frozen yogurt on the table and looked into her eyes. “Maggie, I love you and you will always be welcome at D-Group, but I guarantee you won’t want to come if you continue down the path you’re on.” My bluntness caught her by surprise and she quickly refuted my prediction, assuring me she’d never stop coming to youth group or meeting with the girls in our Discipleship Group. She was sure she could toggle between the high school party scene and her fragile faith.

I’d met Maggie a year and a half earlier on our church’s annual houseboat trip. She was an incoming freshman brimming with enthusiasm. I was a young, new leader ready to pour into a group of high school girls. Maggie and her best friend were the first ones I met that week and we made an instant connection. The three of us spent a lot of time together that summer. Once school started, we gathered weekly with a group of girls their age to share life and study the Bible. But by the beginning of her sophomore year, other activities began to have more allure to Maggie. Parties and popularity seemed more shiny and exciting than youth group, Bible study, and church friends.

Maggie was confused, not sure which voices to heed. She’d tasted enough of God at youth group to know He was good, but her parents had never really encouraged her involvement there. False friends promised fun and excitement that seemed more appealing than the solid and stable lives of the Christians who cared about her. In the years that followed, Maggie popped in and out of my life less and less. She was always invited and included in our group’s activities, but rarely came. It saddened me to learn that this funny, talented, bright-eyed girl later struggled through addiction and a string of bad relationships.

Like many of us, Maggie had a lot of voices speaking into her life and she didn’t know which ones to trust and follow. Sadly, she’d been exposed to Biblical truth, but strayed further and further from Jesus as deceptive voices lured her down other paths.

I pictured Maggie as I read Jesus’ words in John 10 this week. In the passage, He describes Himself as a shepherd who lovingly leads His flock: “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:27-28, NIV)

Listening to Jesus and following Him sounds simple, but with so many voices clamoring for our attention, it’s not always easy to know which ones to ignore. I think that’s where things went sideways for Maggie—she listened to the loudest voices rather than evaluating which ones truly cared for her.

Earlier in John 10 Jesus explains “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:9-10, NIV). The most dangerous thief we’ll ever encounter is the devil. Although he can’t snatch us from God’s hands, he’ll do whatever he can to steal our joy, kill our hope, and sabotage our faith.  In another passage, Jesus describes the devil by saying, “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44b, NIV)

So how do we differentiate between the loving voice of our shepherd, the deceitful voice of the devil, and the unreliable voice of the world? Without a doubt, the best way is by evaluating what those voices are telling us in comparison to the unchanging truth of God’s Word. Studying the Bible consistently is critical.

Discerning between these three voices also requires thought and prayer. A few years ago, someone gave me a printed guide that helps me to recognize what voices to follow based on the tone, motive, and character of the messages I’m hearing. Over time, I’ve added on to the guide as I’ve had experiences with the different voices. I’ve included it below to help you tune your ear to the voice of the Shepherd over all others.

God’s Tone of Voice: Soothing, quieting, peaceful, encouraging, inspiring

Satan’s Tone of Voice: Insistent, demanding, hurried, mesmerizing, rash, accusing, defeating, discouraging, doubt-inducing, pride-building, vengeful, bitter, self-centered, critical, negative

The World’s Tone of Voice: Comparison focused, fearful of what others think, bases value on exterior qualities, struggles with wanting to measure up, stirs up insecurity

God’s Motives/ Character: Builds relationships, empowers us to do what is right, gives us courage, provides wisdom, gives peace, stretches us and challenges us to grow, reassures us, convicts to bring positive and healthy changes, offers grace, understands, forgives

Satan’s Motives/ Character: Destroys, deceives, accuses, divides, isolates, turns people away from God, induces guilt, creates self-loathing, capitalizes on doubts and insecurities, exaggerates faults, magnifies misunderstandings, makes sin appealing and acceptable

The World’s Motives/ Character: Pleases people to gain acceptance, works hard to fit into the right mold, satisfies self, looks out for self above all else, judges/compares self and others, does what is comfortable and convenient, avoids hard things, keeps up appearances, bases values and standards on popular opinion

Lysa TerKeurst, Finding I Am: How Jesus Fully Satisfies the Cry of Your Heart, Lifeway Press, 2016.

Not Ashamed (or Embarrassed)

The satisfying crack of the ball meeting the bat brought us to our feet cheering. Watching countless little league games over the years had taught the parents in the stands to make the most of the few moments of excitement. If you’ve ever watched kids play baseball, you know what I’m talking about. There is a lot of sitting and waiting between isolated flurries of activity.

Each year my boys played, we waited with anticipation to see who would be on the team—it was always nice to spend those long hours in the bleachers and the dugout with people we enjoyed. Often, we’d get to know families well through the overlaps we had in school, sports, and the neighborhood. I still remember one team my younger son played on many years ago. I’d usually sit in the stands with the same two or three moms and we’d pass the hours chatting about a variety of topics.

One conversation that season stands out above all the others. A mom I’d been sitting with regularly turned to me one afternoon and said, “Ya know, I don’t usually like churchy people, but for some reason I like you.” I was taken aback, not sure if I’d just been complimented or criticized. I don’t even remember what prompted the comment, but I decided to assume she meant to affirm me, so I laughed and retorted, “Why don’t you usually like churchy people?” She spent the next several minutes describing a variety of negative experiences she’d had with Christians throughout her childhood and on into adulthood. She was okay with God in general, but didn’t care much for the people who followed Him. Instead of getting defensive, I just listened and empathized with the hurt she’d experienced.

I’ve spent most of my life in secular settings—I went to public schools from Kindergarten through graduate school. I taught in a secular high school and we intentionally placed our kids in public schools as well. And what I’ve noticed is that many people don’t see Christians in a positive light. There is the occasional exception, but the general attitude I’ve encountered time and time again is that people see Christians as judgmental, self-righteous and hypocritical. Between stereotypes they see in the media and negative personal encounters, many people think Christians have oppressive morality and narrow-minded views. It’s enough to make any follower of Jesus be tempted to keep their faith hidden and silent.

And yet, in his second letter to Timothy, Paul urges Timothy (and all believers) not to be ashamed of the gospel. Beth Moore explains, “We live in a culture where Christianity is plummeting in popularity and where we, instead of Satan, are touted as the enemy.” (Entrusted, p. 62)

We don’t ever need to be ashamed or embarrassed about living according to God’s standards laid out for us in the Bible. Just as Paul encouraged Timothy to guard the deposit of faith entrusted to him, we must pursue the Lord consistently and remember that His ways bring good into our lives and into the world.

Paul gives some clear instructions for how to live a godly life that differs from a worldly one:

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.” (2 Tim 2:22-26)

Although nonbelievers may balk at our choice to be different, they can still experience our gentleness and love, which can create opportunities to share more about our faith. The unusual way we live may cause some people to write us off, but others will be intrigued. As they move past negative stereotypes and get to know us, they’ll learn about the foundation we have that remains firm amidst the ever-changing standards of the world.

People are always in process and even those who seem repelled by faith have the capacity to change when they see integrity and authenticity over the long haul. A case in point is my friend from the bleachers years ago. I still bump into her from time to time and am amazed to see that God continues to place Christians (aka “churchy people”) in her path. I’ve seen Him soften her heart and enable her to discover many positive aspects of the Christian faith that she didn’t recognize before.  It’s been a slow journey, but she is moving past her negative experiences and finding herself drawn to others with genuine faith who are pointing her toward God. If I’d been embarrassed by her comments on the bleachers, I would have missed the opportunity to engage her in conversation and to move her one step closer to seeing that Christians aren’t perfect, they are just forgiven people trying to navigate life in a broken world.

Click on the link and celebrate this idea with “Lift My Life Up” by Unspoken.

Beth Moore, Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy, Lifeway Press, 2016.

 

When Fellowship Fractures

As hard as it is to believe, even deep and godly friendships sometimes fracture. Paul and Barnabas are a case in point. The friendship between them may have begun when Barnabas stood up for Paul when the others were skeptical about the authenticity of his conversion in Acts 9. Later, the Holy Spirit ordained their ministry in Acts 13 and they traveled together sharing the gospel until a disagreement tore them apart. Despite their deep love for God and their history of meaningful fellowship, Acts 15 explains that these two pillars of the faith couldn’t reconcile in their opposite opinions over John Mark accompanying them on their next missionary journey. Barnabas wanted to give him a second chance after a past failure, Paul didn’t. This caused them to split up and to continue sharing the gospel in different places with new ministry partners.

Beth Moore writes about this situation, “One ministry turned into two. You and I both know it doesn’t always happen that way. It takes cooperation. We can stunt God’s redemptive work in our midst with our bitterness, unforgiveness, slander, blame, chronic regret, and unresolved guilt. Or we can go face down and beg God in our fractures to do something bigger with the broken pieces than He might have done with the whole.” (Entrusted, page 36)

Reading her words, I couldn’t help but think of how God used the broken pieces of a former relationship to make me into something better. The friendship I shared with this woman arose from our mutual desire to study God’s Word. We were the only two from our congregation that joined an in-depth Bible study at a neighboring church. After class, we’d stand in the parking lot talking enthusiastically about what we’d learned long after the rest of the cars had pulled away. My son, a toddler at the time, would fuss and squirm in his car seat once his Cheerios ran out or the sippy cup was empty. Finally, I’d have to interrupt her animated sharing with an apology and a promise to continue the conversation later. I could usually feel her disappointment as I pulled away.

A year later, our enthusiasm to study God’s Word with others led us to start a new Bible study for our own church with the help of a seasoned teacher. It was an exciting time of spiritual growth and meaningful fellowship centered on God’s Word. So much so, that I ignored the subtle warning signs that would lead to future problems between us.

Early in our friendship, I’d given her a card expressing my gratitude to God for her. I wrote about how thankful I was that the Lord was using us in each other’s lives and told her I believed He had much more in store for our friendship. I couldn’t wait to see how things would unfold. Although God did use her in my life, what I envisioned when I wrote that card was not at all how things turned out.

Without belaboring the details, over the course of 9 months, our friendship went into a downward spiral because of some boundaries I had to put in place. Although she said she understood, she retreated with hurt and anger. I continued to pursue her to no avail. Soon I found that the groups we’d enjoyed spending time with together were having gatherings without me. Over the months, my heart sank lower and lower as many of our mutual friends backed away from me with little or no explanation. I felt cut off from the fellowship I had once enjoyed so much. This began a dark and lonely season in my life that ultimately led me to counseling.

With the help of a wise and godly therapist, I began to see where things had gone wrong and could take ownership over the unhealthy contributions I’d made to our friendship. I could also identify the things that were solely her issues and not my responsibility. Over the course of more than a year in counseling, I started to understand how the implosion of that friendship was a flash point for some deeper issues that I needed to sort through.

Without that fractured relationship, I never would have recognized the unhealthy perspectives and patterns I’d maintained for many years. I would have stunted God’s redemptive work and prevented Him from refining me through the longstanding struggles in my life. In that difficult season, I learned how to be authentic and vulnerable, how to have safe and healthy relationships, and how to function more wisely with people. Confronting my issues equipped me for opportunities to come alongside others who were struggling in different ways. It has also allowed me to navigate through the inevitable challenges that come whenever people work, serve, study, socialize, or live together (whether they are Christians or not).

I’ve thought many times about that card I wrote to my old friend early in our relationship. God did, indeed, use her in my life. He peeled back some issues that I needed to deal with so that I could reach a healthier place. And although it’s still painful to remember that season, I am ultimately grateful that it became a catalyst for heathy change in my life.

Before my former friend moved away, I tried one last time to reach out by leaving a card on her doorstep.  Although she never responded, I’m glad I told her about how God used our struggles for good in my life. I pray that the same is true for her.

If you’re struggling with a fractured relationship, don’t muddle through it alone. Let the song “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE be an encouragement to you today (and if you’re a woman, substitute the word “sister” if it makes you feel better.)

Beth Moore, Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy, Lifeway Press 2016.

The Idol of People-Pleasing- No Other Gods Session 4

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity and idolatry, not courtesy, kindness or love.

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Opening my No Other Gods workbook, the title of Session 4 caught my eye: “The Problem with Idols: People Gods.” As I read through Kelly MInter’s lesson and learned about the ways we make people into idols, the faces of different individuals I’ve idolized over the years popped into my mind. But as I dug deeper into the study, I realized that for me, the problem wasn’t so much about specific people, but about my constant need to please people in general.

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time fighting the urge to be a pleaser. I go through phases where I’m strong and confident and it’s less of an issue and other seasons when I’m racked with guilt anytime I think I’ve failed someone. Ironically, this post is an edited version of one I wrote a while back. It’s humbling to realize this is an ongoing issue I need to relinquish to God time and time again. People pleasers have been around for generations but just so we’re clear, here’s my definition (based on personal experience):

 A people pleaser is constantly aware of the wants and needs of those around her. She feels overly responsible for others. She bases her sense of well being on the happiness of others in her presence. She rarely asserts her own desires for fear she will displease others. She often has no opinion because she wants to do whatever makes those in her presence most happy or comfortable. She has trouble receiving kind gestures from others because she constantly feels bad and assumes she is being an inconvenience or an annoyance.

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity and idolatry, not courtesy, kindness or love.

Self- Evaluation:

Does the definition make you squirm? Rather than feeling hurt or offended, how about taking some time to evaluate your people-pleasing tendencies? Consider the following:

-How often do you say, “I feel bad” or “I feel guilty” when you don’t meet an expectation you think someone else has for you?

Before going any further, think about why you feel bad or guilty. Is it because you are worried about what someone will think of you? Is it because you see a need you are unable to meet? Is it because you are choosing to do nothing when you should be doing something? Try to determine the root cause and then either do something about it or stop feeling guilty (which isn’t biblical anyway). When we serve and help others, it needs to be out of love, not guilt.

-How often do you say “I should” or “I had to”?

This can be a sign that your motivation is external rather than internal. Sometimes there are things you genuinely “should” do, such as helping someone in an emergency or meeting a need that is appropriate for you to fill. Sometimes we do things because the Bible says we should. They are the right things to do. Other times, however, people pleasers feel they must do certain things in order to meet someone else’s expectations. You don’t “have” to do something just because you’ve always done it or because someone thinks you would be good at it (especially if it’s a volunteer commitment.)

No Joy in Serving

One thing is sure, when you say, “yes” because you feel guilty about letting someone down, there will be little joy in your act of kindness. The thrill of saying, “yes” to please another person fades quickly if that is your only motivation. If there is no joy behind your choice to serve, bitterness results. Plus, the person being served doesn’t feel especially loved if your actions are motivated purely by guilt or duty.

Pleasers Confuse Others

People pleasers are confusing or frustrating to be around because you never know what they really want. It becomes a guessing game to figure out if their words and actions are genuine or simply said and done to please you. It is also unclear if they are being honest, which can lead to trust issues and elevated anxiety for others. Ultimately, it is difficult to have an authentic, loving relationship with a people-pleaser.

Pleasing Can Lead to Sin

Sometimes when our attention is focused on pleasing others, we make compromises that go against what we know is right. When we are willing to sacrifice our values and standards because we don’t want to offend or displease others, we are making them into idols.

No- Win Situation

It’s no secret that people are fickle. Trying to please them is a losing battle because they change their minds regularly. It is impossible to please multiple people simultaneously when they have differing opinions. Trying to do it is like attempting to submerge a bunch of Ping-Pong balls in a bucket. There is no way to hold all of them under water at the same time, no matter how hard you try!  (I attempted it just to make sure).IMG_7830

Please God, Bless People

The apostle Paul sums this up simply– our goal needs to be pleasing Christ, not others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, NIV) Make it your goal to please God. Doing this will honor Him and ultimately bless others.

Music and Books to Encourage You

Sometimes people pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We try hard to measure up through earning favor with others and we live in fear of disapproval. Yet when we remember how deeply loved we are by God, it frees us to love others without expecting them to meet our endless needs. If you want to learn more, scroll down for some suggested books that can help you get some healthy perspective on people-pleasing. Be sure to click on the link and be encouraged by Hawk Nelson’s song “Live Like You’re Loved.” Then go out and live like you believe it’s true.

Continue reading “The Idol of People-Pleasing- No Other Gods Session 4”

The Problem with People-Pleasing

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time.

IMG_7823 My strained smile gave an answer before I even opened my mouth. My husband had spontaneously invited me to cancel my morning plans so we could spend time together. I wanted to say “yes,” I really did. But the hesitation in my response betrayed my thoughts. There were several friends I had plans with that would be disappointed by my last-minute cancellation. It was a true dilemma for a people-pleaser like me. No matter how I answered, I would be letting someone down.

Realizing the struggle I was facing, my husband stayed upbeat. “Sounds like the timing doesn’t work for today. We can do it another time.” He didn’t want me to feel bad, but I still did. He kissed me goodbye and left for the day as I stewed in guilt and frustration. How many times had I found myself in this situation? I hated saying “no” if it meant someone was going to be disappointed, even if it was the right choice to make.

For years I’ve jokingly referred to myself as a “recovering people-pleaser.” You may recognize the term “recovering” from Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s because just like someone who struggles with addiction, I have to take one day at a time. I go through phases where I’m strong and confident and it’s less of an issue and other seasons when I’m racked with guilt anytime I think I’ve failed someone. People pleasers have been around for generations but just so we’re clear, here’s my definition (based on personal experience):

A people pleaser is constantly aware of the wants and needs of those around her. She feels overly responsible for others. She bases her sense of well being on the happiness of others in her presence. She rarely asserts her own wants for fear she will displease others. She often has no opinion because she wants to do whatever makes those in her presence most happy or comfortable. She has trouble receiving kind gestures from others because she constantly feels bad and assumes she is being an inconvenience or an annoyance.

The root of people pleasing is a fear of what others think and a desire for approval based on outward actions. Ultimately, it boils down to insecurity, not courtesy, kindness or love.

Self- Evaluation:

Does the definition make you squirm? Here are a few things to consider as you evaluate your people pleasing tendencies:

-How often do you say, “I feel bad” or “I feel guilty” when you don’t meet an expectation you think someone else has for you?

Before going any further, think about why you feel bad or guilty. Is it because you are worried about what someone will think of you? Is it because you see a need you are unable to meet? Is it because you are choosing to do nothing when you should be doing something? Try to determine the root cause and then either do something about it or stop feeling guilty (which isn’t biblical anyway). When we serve and help others, it needs to be out of love, not guilt.

-How often do you say “I should” or “I had to”?

This can be a sign that your motivation is external rather than internal. Sometimes there are things you genuinely “should” do such as helping someone in an emergency or meeting a need that is appropriate for you to fill. Sometimes we do things because the Bible says we should. They are the right things to do. Other times, however, people pleasers feel they must do certain things in order to meet someone else’s expectations. You don’t “have” to do something just because you’ve always done it or because someone thinks you would be good at it (especially if it’s a volunteer commitment.)

No Joy in Serving

One thing is sure, when you say “yes” because you feel guilty about letting someone down, there will be little joy in your act of kindness. The thrill of saying, “yes” to please another person fades quickly if that is your only motivation. If there is no joy behind your choice to serve, bitterness results. Plus, the person being served doesn’t feel especially loved if your actions are motivated purely by guilt or duty.

Pleasers Confuse Others

People pleasers are confusing or frustrating to others because you never know what they really want. It becomes a guessing game to figure out if their answers are genuine or simply said to please you (this is part of a pleaser’s inability to receive kind gestures from others.)

No- Win Situation

It’s no secret that people are fickle. Trying to please people is a losing battle because they change their minds regularly. It is impossible to please multiple people simultaneously when they have differing opinions. Trying to do it is like attempting to submerge a bunch of Ping-Pong balls in a bucket. There is no way to hold all of them under water at the same time, no matter how hard you try!  (I attempted it just to make sure).

IMG_7830

Please God, Bless People

The apostle Paul sums this up simply- our goal needs to be pleasing Christ, not others: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, NIV) Make it your goal to please God. Doing this will honor Him and ultimately bless others.

Music to Encourage You

Sometimes people pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We try hard to measure up through earning favor with others. Yet in God’s eyes, we’re already made perfect through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Click on the link to hear Mercy Me’s inspiring new song “Flawless.”

Recommended Reading

If people-pleasing is an issue for you or someone you love, here are two books you will find helpful:

Speaking the Truth in Love: How To Be an Assertive Christian by Ruth N. Koch & Kenneth C. Haugk

The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa TerKeurst