Category: Suffering

Learning to Lament

“Life often hurts, and we need to know how to pray when it does,” Jennifer Rothschild declares in When You Pray. Maybe prayers of lament aren’t a regular part of your times with the Lord; expressing passionate grief or sorrow isn’t something we do well as a culture. Rather than feeling the depth of our emotions, we expend tremendous energy trying to avoid them. 

We’ve learned to sidestep pain in many creative ways. Here are a few strategies that have become common in our culture:

Numbing: Physical pain in our bodies signals to us that something needs attention. However, if we numb the pain of a toothache without addressing the root issue, the problem grows bigger. Yet many of us do this with our emotions—we feel the unpleasant sensation of pain and we rush to numb it with alcohol, pills, binge watching Netflix, shopping, or something else. Anesthetizing may lessen the pain for a while, but it brings only short-term relief.

Busyness & Distraction: Like waving a toy in front of a toddler crying for his mother, we occupy ourselves with distractions that make us forget emotional pain, at least for a little while. Maybe it’s keeping a full social calendar, scrolling social media, flooding our minds with mental inputs like podcasts or audio books, or throwing ourselves into serving others or working. We often use busyness and distractions to avoid feeling our emotions.

Denial & Avoidance: Sometimes we like to pretend the pain isn’t there. We think that if we don’t acknowledge its existence, it can’t take us under. Like getting caught in a forceful ocean current, we try to resist its power and exhaust ourselves fighting against it. But as a wise pastor once told me, grief waits for us for as long as it takes for us to reckon with it.

Pursuing Pleasure: Taking a vacation, looking for laughs, or deciding we “deserve” to eat with abandon can be coping mechanisms we use trying to counterbalance the pain we’re feeling. Wanting to feel good for just a moment, we justify spending money or consuming calories in an effort to soothe the hurt gnawing inside of us. Often, we end up feeling worse than we did before.

Negative Comparisons: I’ll never forget risking to lament about a painful situation I was experiencing. My confidante responded by saying, “Well, at least…” and then proceeded to share something similar she’d gone through that was much worse. Instead of listening with empathy, she minimized my sadness. I felt foolish and guilty for letting my “lesser” problem affect me so deeply. Trying to make ourselves (or others) feel better through negative comparisons just makes the burden heavier.

Positive Spin: Sometimes we take a hard situation and, instead of processing our painful emotions, we try looking at the bright side. I’ve often tried to console myself and others by focusing only on the benefits emotional hardship could bring. But failing to acknowledge the pain is like covering a wound before cleaning it out—it festers and prevents healing.

Spiritual Bypassing: For a lover of Scripture like me, another way I’ve avoided feeling my sadness is by veering around it. Before even allowing my emotions to surface fully, I’m already trying to find ways to explain away the pain or learn spiritual truth from it. It’s short-sighted to think we can “skip over our pain and just have Jesus ‘fix’ us.”1

We can stave off painful emotions, but ultimately if we don’t deal with them, they leak out of us at times we don’t anticipate. Unacknowledged pain morphs into impatience, anger, irritability, apathy, discouragement, and a host of other negative emotions and behaviors that ripple out to affect others around us.

Rather than avoiding our pain, we need to face it head on and let ourselves feel it deeply. Learning to lament in prayer with total honesty brings great relief and freedom. Try using these steppingstones on the path to comfort and healing.2

1. Address God: Focus your prayer on the One who knows you intimately and listens to you attentively. “Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.” (Psalm 5:1-2, NIV)

2. Pour out your heart: Bring Him your complaints and concerns. Share your raw emotions without holding back. “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:8, NIV)

3. Request help: Ask God for what you need, but also remain open to His perspective on your situation. “But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.”(Psalm 109:21, NIV)

4. Express trust. Affirm your faith in God’s character and His Word. (Or ask Him to build your trust in Him if you’re not quite there yet.) “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalm 62:1-2, NIV)

5. Praise Him. No matter how terrible you feel, God is still good. Remind yourself of this by expressing adoration for His wisdom, strength, and faithfulness (or whatever qualities of His you appreciate.) Use the Bible to help you if you can’t come up with anything on your own. “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails  and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength;  he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.” (Habakkuk 3:17-19, NIV)

Lament gives us time and space to identify our feelings and process them in the safe, loving, patient presence of our Heavenly Father. Laying out our emotions allows the Lord to comfort us and guide us, freeing us to move forward instead of being continually weighed down. It’s hard work, but so worth it. The next time you’re hurting emotionally, consider making time to practice lament and let the Lord refresh your spirit.

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1. John Mark Comer quoting John Welwood, Praciticing the Way, Waterbrook, 2024, 88.

2. Jennifer Rothschild, When You Pray session 5, Lifeway Press 2023, 119.

Playing the Long Game

Sitting across the chess board from my son, he explained the rules and basic strategies of the game. I’d grown up playing checkers but had never ventured into the more complicated world of chess. My son’s agile mind seemed more adept at managing the pieces and remembering the various rules for moving them. After he’d beat me, yet again, he explained his strategy: “See the future.” I realized he wasn’t playing one move at a time but mapping out multiple options and anticipating countermoves. He understood the importance of playing the long game. 

Author and teacher Kelly Minter draws a comparison between chess, checkers, and our spiritual lives saying, “I am queen of the short game…On my bad days, I measure God’s favor toward me (or lack thereof) by whatever has gone right or wrong that day. When I do this, I forget that not only is God after the long game in my life—my personal sanctification, spiritual growth, blessing of others, heart growing to look more like Christ’s—He’s also after His long game. In other words, God cares deeply about our individual lives, and at the same time, He wants to use us in His far bigger story of redemption. We’re meant for something much larger than ourselves, but this is easy to forget in our instant gratification and selfie culture.” (p. 145)

The story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50 is just one of many in the Bible that illustrates this. He shows amazing trust in God and a willingness to endure hardship for the Lord’s greater purposes. Consider Joseph’s explanation when he reveals his identity to his brothers who had sold him into slavery 22 years earlier: “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.” (Genesis 45:4-7, NIV) 

Instead of being vengeful towards his brothers for selling him or angry at God for allowing him to endure such hardship, Joseph focuses on the good that resulted from his presence in Egypt. He sees that his oversight of the food storage and distribution not only saved Egyptian lives but would ultimately preserve his family line as well. Kelly Minter explains, “So far in our study we’ve been mostly looking at Joseph’s story from a checkerboard perspective—lots of reactionary and sometimes unrelated moves that don’t seem to be governed by a bigger plan. We’re finally at a point where we’re beginning to see God’s much bigger plan of redemption playing out, a plan marked by patience and forethought. We’re beginning to see that God, in and through all the little moves of His people in our story—some sacrificial, some selfish—is working out a great plan to turn the house of Jacob into the nation of Israel in the land of Egypt. 

One might say all the players in Joseph’s story were playing checkers while God was playing chess. Except God isn’t playing a game with kings, queens, pawns, and knights. He’s writing a story of redemption that’s all about one King whose name is Jesus—the King who will rescue His people from their sins.” (p.149)

We know this ultimate truth about Jesus, but sometimes I wonder how many of us let it impact us daily. It’s commonplace lately to hear stories about lives filled with hurts and hardships. Many of us are grieving the loss of our pre-COVID lives. In the past year we’ve lost loved ones and livelihoods; we’ve grappled with depression and anxiety; we’ve struggled with loneliness and longed for community. We’re under pressure at work and at home. Marriages and families are crumbling. Some of us are suffering from physical ailments or caring for others with major medical problems. And to make matters worse, our nation continues to battle political strife and deep division. 

With so many sad, hard, and negative things happening all around us, I wonder sometimes if we’re doing exactly what Kelly Minter describes: getting so mired in the details that we’re forgetting God’s bigger plans. Is it possible that these hardships we’re facing could be reminding us of our need for Him? Instead of magnifying the difficulties in our lives, perhaps we should try a different tactic by trusting God to use them for good. When we’re grieving unwelcome changes or staggering losses, let’s look for the new things He might be doing.

Think of the hardships Joseph endured that preserved his family line, which ultimately brought us Jesus, our Redeemer. Because of Him, we have hope in the midst of every struggle. We have purpose and fulfillment. Our foundation is secure. Jesus is the answer to all the world’s problems and to our personal ones as well. This isn’t just a nice “Christian” thing to say—it’s the truth. So, if you call Him your Savior and Lord, then live like you believe it. Let your faith in Him steady you in these trying times and then ask God how He wants to use you as part of His bigger plan. It’s time to put away the reactionary thinking of checkers and to trust in God’s strategy for His long term plans.

Even though the world feels like it’s falling apart, rest assured that Jesus is holding all things together:

“He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power.” (Hebrews 1:3a ESV)

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:15-17 ESV)

If you’ve been letting the troubles in your life or our world drag you down, maybe it’s time to change your focus. Let “There Was Jesus” by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton remind you that you already have exactly what you need.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZXRIw5uBuY

Kelly Minter, Finding God Faithful: A Study on the Life of Joseph, Lifeway Press, 2019.

Discipline Isn’t Punishment

Cradling my broken arm in his hands, the physical therapist gently straightened it and bent it, testing for flexibility. I felt vulnerable without my wrist and elbow braces but wanted to do what was needed to help the healing process. After kneading the muscles and tendons around my elbow, he said, “I’m not gonna lie to you, this next exercise will hurt.” With that, he began rotating my lower arm slowly back and forth. I squeezed my eyes shut as every muscle and tendon surrounding my fractures tensed with searing pain.

Before leaving, I asked the therapist how I could differentiate between “good” and “bad” pain. Knowing which motions would help the healing process would motivate me to press on, even when it hurt. I see a parallel here with the emotional pain we endure through difficult circumstances. Kelly Minter explains, “There’s a big difference between automatically viewing our suffering as God’s punishment on us and recognizing His restorative discipline, which can sometimes be painful.” (p. 98) Some hard things we experience are for our benefit. Kelly suggests reading this passage from Hebrews for further study:

 “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ‘Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.’” (Hebrews 12:7-13, NIV)

The word “discipline” comes from two closely related Greek words: “Paideia” and ”Paideuo.” Both involve correcting, instructing, and educating another person.   The words were originally used to describe rearing children but were later used in reference to teaching believers who were young in the faith. One word that was not part of either definition was “punishment.” There are nine different Greek words for punishment, but none of them includes these words. Discipline has nothing to do with revenge or seeking justice after someone has violated a moral code. Although our culture sometimes uses the words “discipline” and “punishment” interchangeably, they are two entirely different concepts.  Discipline is not for retribution, but for our benefit.

The Hebrews passage tells us that hardship is a form of discipline. This means the difficult experiences we face in life can be used for good. Sometimes God allows painful circumstances to refine our faith or to build our trust in Him. Other times, He wants to get our attention or to show us we’re putting our hope in something other than Him. Occasionally He allows positive things in our lives to be removed to make way for better ones. With our eyes on God, even the worst situations can make us spiritually stronger.

I’d never paid much attention to the last part of the Hebrews passage until breaking my arm a few years ago. It says we should accept discipline to “strengthen our feeble arms” so that “the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” If I had been unwilling to do the painful therapy required to restore strength and flexibility to my arm, I would’ve been disabling myself in the long run. Although my fractured bones would have healed, the stiff tendons and muscles would not have become flexible again without some serious effort. The result would have been limited mobility that would’ve hindered my daily tasks and physical activities.

Similarly, submitting to God’s discipline heals and strengthens us so that we don’t go through life emotionally and spiritually stunted. Trusting God through challenging times also keeps us from becoming bitter or from wallowing in self-pity. Instead, we lean into Him through the pain, knowing that He is using it to produce a “harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

When we let God use pain to draw us to Him, we open ourselves to receive His peace, healing, and strength. Is there some hardship in your life that the Lord may be using to discipline you? Will you let him do it? Remember, it’s for your good and His glory.

Kelly Minter points us back to truth in light of this hard topic: “As we close today, let’s contemplate the immense love God the Father has for us in sending His beloved Son, Jesus, to be our atonement…How can we justify ourselves when our sin is ever before us? The truth is we can’t. And that’s preceisely why Jesus has done it for us. What hymn says it better than…’It is Well with My Soul’”? (p. 119)

Click on the link and be encouraged by Lauren Daigle’s version of this beloved hymn.

Kelly Minter, Finding God Faithful: A Study on the Life of Joseph, Lifeway Press 2019.

God’s Refining Fire

A tattered newspaper clipping fell to the floor as I turned the pages of an old photo album. Picking it up, I realized it was an article that my mom had saved for over 25 years. At the top of the page there’s a photo of me brimming with youthful exuberance. The paper from 1993 tells the story of my first day as a new high school teacher. I was young and naïve and had agreed to let a reporter spend the day with me, at the request of the school district.

Looking back all these years later, I smirked as I read the reporter’s observations about my Leadership class: “It is quickly obvious that this class will take up much of [Marybeth’s] time. [She] will serve as adviser to the school’s student leaders. She seems energized by the challenge and spends 45 minutes after class talking with the student body president and vice president.” (Michael Bazeley, Tri-Valley Herald, September 9, 1993)

Little did I know at the time that within a few weeks, I’d be crying to my fiancée, wishing I’d never accepted what had seemed like the perfect job for me. The students were used to running the show and didn’t like the changes I wanted to make. I’d had such grand plans for imparting my wisdom to them, but all they wanted was my signature on forms and an adult presence to appease the school administration. Both teacher and students had a lot to learn that year.

That season in my life came to mind when I read Kelly Minter’s questions in Finding God Faithful: ”Have you ever been unhappy with the people God has assigned you to? Have you ever thought, I could do a bang-up job for the Lord if He had just given me different family members, more efficient coworkers, a better church?” (p. 48) That teaching job was one of several times I’ve lamented the situation where God has placed me. 

Minter springboards from these convicting questions to explain how God used Joseph’s time in prison described in Genesis 39 & 40. She says the Lord’s purpose was to refine and prepare Joseph for the work he would do later. Minter explains that God “tests us to grow us, strengthen us, and refine us. The imagery of gold being purified by fire references a certain process of purification. The testing doesn’t depend on what’s passing through the fire, but the sureness of the fire to remove the impurities.” (p. 49)

The idea of God’s refining process appears in the Old Testament book of Malachi, which describes a messenger who will come to God’s people: “But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner’s fire or a launderer’s soap.” (Malachi 3:2, NIV) Spiritual renewal comes through the testing and cleansing we endure. Refining fire brings precious metal to light, just as strong detergent cleans dirty clothes. The refining process isn’t meant to punish God’s people, but to prepare the way of the Lord. It trains us in obedience so we can be restored to God and can fulfill His purposes for us.*

For me, that first year teaching was a refining process for my character and faith. It was a humbling, difficult season in my life. However, the trials I endured strengthened me and taught me how to interact with a variety of people, solve problems, communicate clearly, organize groups effectively, and cultivate rapport with others. My years working at the high school refined me in ways that I still benefit from today.

Looking at Joseph’s time in prison, it’s clear God used it as a refiner’s fire to prepare him for what was coming. He learned to lead as he worked with the guards and prisoners from all backgrounds. At the same time, he gained experience managing the prison and interacting with Egyptian officials. The Lord had given him the raw materials of leadership and Joseph’s time in prison was what He used to develop that potential.

So, with these things in mind, how would you answer Kelly Minter’s question: “Are you willing to comply with the Lord during these seasons of testing?” (page 49) Is it possible that God is refining you right now? If you’re experiencing challenges, are you willing to ask the Lord what He wants to teach you through them? Is He using people around you to highlight areas that need growth in you?

Let Joseph’s example inspire you. Despite being in prison, he used his gift of leadership and showed consistency of character. By doing this, God’s presence and favor were evident to all who encountered him. Enduring that time of suffering in prison also humbled Joseph and prepared him for the bigger plans God had in store for him. 

The refining process may not be enjoyable, but we can trust God to use it for good. Scripture reassures us of this: “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:6-7, NIV)

I pray you’ll trust God in your trials and will submit to the work of refinement He’s doing in you. Maybe He’s preparing you for something else He has planned. Let Him prove your faith is genuine for your good and His glory. Listen to the song “Refiner’s Fire” and make it your prayer today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXIzEZ3mkWE

Kelly Minter, Finding God Faithful: A Study on the Life of Joseph, Lifeway Press, 2019.

*Anne Stewart, Commentary on Malachi 3:1-4

Becoming Real

As Lisa Harper sums up final thoughts on the book of Job, she writes, “Perusing Job’s story for more than a year now has taught me how to better rest in God’s sovereign goodness regardless of what’s going on in my little corner of the world. Job’s well-lived life has helped soften some of my sharpest edges in a spiritual Velveteen Rabbit kind of way.” (p. 155)

If you’re not familiar with Margery Williams’ classic story The Velveteen Rabbit, the significance of that reference may be lost on you, which would be a shame. Rather than summarizing it, here are several excerpts that capture its essence:  

THERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy’s stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming…

For a long time he lived in the toy cupboard or on the nursery floor, and no one thought very much about him. He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him. The mechanical toys were very superior, and looked down upon every one else; they were full of modern ideas, and pretended they were real…

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

As the story unfolds, the Velveteen Rabbit experiences the joy of becoming “Real” as he receives the love and affection of the Boy. His shabby fur, missing whiskers, and tattered ears become badges of honor revealing his position as the Boy’s most beloved toy. But, after comforting him through a bout with scarlet fever, the Rabbit finds himself thrown in a trash heap with all the other germ-infested toys. Devastated, he laments his situation:

He thought of those long sunlit hours in the garden–how happy they were–and a great sadness came over him….Of what use was it to be loved and lose one’s beauty and become Real if it all ended like this? And a tear, a real tear, trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground.

And then a strange thing happened. For where the tear had fallen a flower grew out of the ground, a mysterious flower, not at all like any that grew in the garden…. And presently the blossom opened, and out of it there stepped a fairy…

“Little Rabbit,” she said, “don’t you know who I am?”

The Rabbit looked up at her, and it seemed to him that he had seen her face before, but he couldn’t think where.

“I am the nursery magic Fairy,” she said. “I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved. When they are old and worn out and the children don’t need them any more, then I come and take them away with me and turn them into Real.”

“Wasn’t I Real before?” asked the little Rabbit.

“You were Real to the Boy,” the Fairy said, “because he loved you. Now you shall be Real to every one...And he found that he actually had hind legs! Instead of dingy velveteen he had brown fur, soft and shiny…He gave one leap and the joy of using those hind legs was so great that he went springing about the turf on them, jumping sideways and whirling round as the others did.”

There is beautiful, biblical truth woven in the fabric of that sweet story that echoes what we see in the book of Job. Suffering, hardships, and trials are the tools God uses to build our character, to give us depth, and to help us experience Him in deeper ways. They help us to become more authentic and empathetic. Job concludes the book saying, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5, NIV) Trials create a special kind of beauty and connection to God that only come through first-hand experience.

Much like the Velveteen Rabbit, Job’s story shows us that suffering is an honor and a privilege. And just as the Rabbit receives new life at the end, a similar thing happens to Job:

“The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters.”(Job 42:12-13, NIV)

Suffering may not be our favorite item in God’s toolbox, but these stories remind us that it has a purpose. We’re going to face it, but it’s our choice to let it make us “Real.” And, like the Velveteen Rabbit, one day we’ll experience the amazing reality of new life in eternity with Christ. 

Lisa Harper quotes Barbara Johnson, who says, “We are Easter people living in a Good Friday world.” So, for now “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  (James 1:2-4, NIV)

Michael Ketterer’s song “Spirit Lead Me” exemplifies the beauty of surrendering and trusting God through trials. Listen and make it your prayer today.

To read The Velveteen Rabbit in its entirety, click on this link.

Lisa Harper, Job: A Story of Unlikely Joy, Lifeway Press, 2018.

The Gift of Empathy

Stepping into line, I clutched my son’s tiny hand and kept my head down as we inched toward his classroom door. The preschool check-in process took a while, but usually created a welcome opportunity to chat with other moms. On that day, however, just walking into the building required excruciating effort. Participating in such a “normal” activity seemed surreal when I felt so raw, exposed, and vulnerable.

Just a few days earlier, I’d sat at my dad’s bedside as he exhaled his final breath. For the two weeks prior to that I’d been consumed with trekking back and forth to see him as he’d received hospice care. I’d been so removed from regular life that it felt overwhelming just dropping off my son at school. 

I assumed most of the moms in line knew I was grieving since I’d received flowers from the class. My sagging shoulders and red-rimmed eyes hinted at my fragile state, yet not one of them acknowledged my loss. I didn’t fault them for it—most of my peers hadn’t yet experienced the death of a parent and didn’t know what to say.

After a few awkward minutes, I felt a hand rest gently on my shoulder. Looking up, a mom I barely knew pulled me in close and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died a few years ago– I totally get what you’re going through.” She described the range of emotions she’d experienced, mirroring mine exactly. What a relief to encounter someone who understood my pain.  

In the years since then, I’ve been blessed by other compassionate people who have reached out to empathize with me through different struggles. None of them tried to fix my problems, but they all showed me compassion and understanding. They made me feel seen, heard, and loved. These kind acts beautifully illustrate Paul’s words in the New Testament:

 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)

Painful experiences are fertile ground for receiving God’s comfort. They also enable us to grow in our compassion for people. When we’re going through hardships, we can find hope knowing God will use them to bless others in the future.

Once you’ve experienced true empathy, you’re able to recognize how it differs from sympathy. Empathizing with others means we identify with their pain and connect with them in it. It’s when we say, “I get it, I know how you feel.” Sympathy, however, is like saying “I feel bad for you.” Instead of being a participant in the pain, a person offering sympathy remains a passive observer feeling pity for the hardships of another. While the intentions are kind, it can make a struggling person feel emotionally isolated. If you’ve ever gone through a hard time, you probably know that receiving a person’s empathy comforts so much more than the clichéd words of sympathy.

Sometimes we encounter people in pain and we have no frame of reference to empathize with them. It’s tempting to hold back and say nothing for fear of getting it wrong. However, there are simple tools we can use to respond in caring and sensitive ways that promote connection and understanding. Here are a few I’ve learned:

-Listen to understand, not to respond. Don’t get distracted thinking about what you’ll say next– you’ll miss what the person is telling you.

-Listen for feelings, not facts. Validate their emotions and don’t judge them as bad or good. Focus on the person, not on the details of their situation.

-Be present and patient. Let the struggling person have room to share the tangle of emotions they’re feeling. Get comfortable sitting in silence too. Remember your presence will communicate your support more than any helpful suggestions you might be tempted to offer. People may forget what you say, but they remember the way you made them feel.

-Avoid sharing stories about yourself. This may seem like empathy, but it’s really turning the attention to yourself. Saying “I’ve been there” or “I feel you” is enough. If they want to know more, they’ll ask.

-Don’t offer advice, quick assurances, or comparisons that minimize what they’re going through (ie: “At least….” Or “It could be worse…”). Don’t offer the “bright side” of the situation they aren’t ready to hear.

-Remember it’s not your job to speak for God or to make conjectures about why He’s letting a hard thing happen. Don’t over-spiritualize, preach, or quote a verse attempting to make them feel better. Instead, offer to pray with and for the person.

-Circle back later and see how they’re doing. Ask if there are any specific ways you can be praying. Sometimes after the initial conversation, we check off the “reach out to my struggling friend” box and move on. Difficult seasons can last a long time and most people appreciate ongoing support (to whatever degree you have the bandwidth to offer it.)

Want to learn more about the difference between sympathy and empathy? Watch this two minute video by Dr. Brené Brown.

Singer/ songwriter Toby Mac gives us an intimate glimpse into the pain of losing his son, Truett, in his song “21 Years.” Let it remind you to look at others with empathy and to invite God to use you to comfort them.

Suffering Isn’t Punishment

We have lots of names for it: payback, karma, retribution. We use clichés like “you get what you deserve” or “you had it coming to you.” Often, we examine a person’s life to make sense of why they’re enduring hardships. And, like Job’s friends, we make faulty assumptions like this: “(1) All suffering is the result of sin. (2) God punishes each act of sin with a penalty that corresponds to the gravity of the sin. (3) Suffering is proof of personal guilt.”1

It’s clear in Scripture that God punishes evil and sin. A few notable examples are the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 18 & 19 and the deaths of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5 (you can read them later if you need a reminder).  

That said, any punishment we deserve for sin has already been dealt with on the cross: “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.” (Romans 3:22-26, NIV)

Anyone who puts faith in Jesus as Savior is no longer subject to the penalty that sinners deserve because restitution has already been made. So, if we’re not being punished, what other reasons might there be for our suffering? Here are a few:

Discipline: Sometimes hard things happen to us because we need to be disciplined. When we receive correction from God and let it refine us, we prove that we are His children and that we trust Him: “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?” The passage continues, “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7, 10b-11, NIV)

If you’re enduring hardship right now, ask the Lord to make it clear if He’s disciplining you for some reason. Invite a godly friend to give you some perspective. Maybe you need accountability on some sinful behaviors or attitudes that you’re overlooking.

Spiritual Maturity: Sometimes God allows hardships because they develop spiritual maturity in us and prove our faith is genuine. Suffering can foster character qualities we need to grow in our relationship with the Lord: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4, NIV)

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:6-7, NIV)

Perhaps there’s a latent quality in you that God is uncovering through what you’re enduring. Or maybe there’s an aspect of your character that God is refining through your hardship.

To Display God’s Glory: As Bible teacher Lisa Harper says, sometimes our suffering is a conduit for God’s glory. When we lean into Him and trust Him, we grow closer to the Lord. We also impact others with the hope we find in Him, whether we get a favorable outcome or not.

When Jesus and His disciples encountered a man blind from birth, they asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus replied, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned…but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” Later, the man shared his story with the Pharisees, saying “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!” (John 9:1-3, 25, NIV)

Paul also explained that suffering displays God’s glory, even while we’re experiencing it: “Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.” (Philippians 1:12-14, NIV)

Are you willing to pray and ask God to show His glory through your suffering? 

To Experience God’s Power: Suffering strips away anything else we’ve relied on for strength and drives us to God. Paul explains: “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10, NIV)

Have you tapped into the sufficiency of God’s grace to strengthen you through your hardships?

Encouragement for Others: Walking faithfully with God through suffering opens us to His blessings and gives hope to others enduring hardship: “As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” (James 5:11, NIV)

Have you considered the way your response to suffering could be like Job’s? Like him, we have the opportunity to inspire others and lead them to the God of hope.

If you’re suffering right now, let the words of “King of My Heart” by Bethel Music encourage you today.

  1. J. Mark Terry, “Job’s Friends: Models of Compassion?” quoted from Job: A Story of Unlikely Joy by Lisa Harper, Lifeway Press 2018, p. 56

Why Studying Suffering is Good

Checking the weather app on my phone, a frown spread across my face as I packed. I was preparing for a mission trip to Mexico where I’d be outside for an entire week. Between working at the build site all day and spending the evenings back at our team’s rustic camp ground, the forecast of rain wasn’t a welcome sight. With limited space in my bag, I wondered if I should bother stuffing in a bulky parka. For a fleeting moment, I considered ignoring the weather prediction, thinking if I didn’t pack the coat, it wouldn’t rain. Realizing my flawed logic, I wedged it into my duffel.

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A few days later, I slogged through camp under stormy skies on a chilly afternoon. Intermittent rain showers made for a soggy evening, but I stayed warm and dry sheltered in my enormous coat. Turns out it was worth making room for it in my bag after all. 

Strangely enough, I thought of that parka as I brainstormed ways to introduce the next book of the Bible we’ll be studying in the coming weeks.  Job isn’t one most of us would clamor to read, but I think we’ll be glad we did. In case you need a refresher, it’s the story of a man who endures unfathomable suffering and loss. On the surface, it’s doesn’t appear to be especially uplifting subject matter.

Life is hard enough, so why would we want to wade into someone else’s tragic story? Watching a man of integrity face the challenge of losing his children, his riches, and his health is a bit of a downer, after all. Isn’t it easier to believe those kinds of things can’t happen to us? Like leaving my coat home in hopes the weather prediction would be wrong, we’d rather avoid the reality of suffering. 

Unfortunately, skirting around hardship is impossible in this life. Jesus said it plainly, “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33b). Nothing exempts us from life’s hardships—not wealth, power, prestige, resources, or a good family (Job had all of them).  Studying this book will equip us with knowledge we’ll be thankful to have when our own times of suffering come.

Job’s story deals with the familiar question we all ask at some point: “Why do bad things happen to good people?” This study may not give us the clear-cut answers we crave, but it will re-frame how we approach suffering. God allows pain for good reasons, even if He doesn’t always reveal them to us. Halley’s Bible Handbook explains, “In reading through the book of Job, we must remember that Job never knew why he was suffering—nor what the final outcome would be. The first two chapters of Job explain to us why it happened and make it clear that the reason for his suffering was not punishment for sin, but rather a test of Job’s faith that God was confident Job would pass. But while we as readers of Job know this, Job himself did not.”1

Some scholars believe Job may have been the first book of the Bible to be written. It’s likely the title character lived in the time of the Patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob) or shortly thereafter. He lived in the land of Uz, which scholars believe was outside the land of Canaan, possibly along the border between Palestine and Arabia. Job may have been a descendant of Esau; some scholars think he may have been Jobab, the second king of Edom mentioned in Genesis 36:33.

The Israelites considered Job part of their wisdom literature, along with Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs. Apart from the introduction (chapters 1 & 2) and the conclusion (chapter 42:7-17), the book consists of speeches by Job, his friends, and God. “The book delves into issues near to the heart of every human who experiences suffering. The prologue provides a fascinating peek into the back story—why God allowed Satan to afflict Job with such pain and turmoil. Then, through a series of dialogues and monologues arranged in a pattern of threes, human wisdom attempts to explain the unexplainable, until finally God Himself speaks.

The final chapters of Job record God’s masterful defense of His majesty and unique ‘otherness’—of God’s eternal transcendence above creation—in contrast with Job’s humble and ignorant mortality. ‘Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? / Tell Me, if you have understanding.’ (Job 38:4)”2

I hope learning from Job and understanding the role of suffering in life will equip us for the times of difficulty we’re facing now or may confront in the future. This won’t be just for our benefit, but for the good of those around us: “What a powerful witness it is to the world for Christians to not be full of anger and resentment toward God when suffering! We know that He is a God who loves us and does only what is is right.”3

I hope you’ll join me as we spend the next several weeks diving into Job: A Story of Unlikely Joy by Lisa Harper. Until then, listen to “Scars” by I Am They for a refreshing perspective on suffering.

Resources cited:

  1. Halley’s Bible Handbook, Zondervan 2000, p.311-312 
  2. Insight.org/resources/bible/the-wisdombooks/job
  3. Halley’s Bible Handbook, Zondervan 2000, p. 311

The Blessing of the Broken Road

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tossed the essay on my son’s bed and congratulated him. Across the top of the page, his teacher had written “This is AMAZING!” in bold blue print. He’d been assigned to write about an event that sparked a period of personal growth for him. His descriptive language impressed me, but it was the recognition of how a difficult season in his life had changed him for the better that made me weepy. What a joy it was to see him choosing to learn and grow through hardships instead of letting them make him bitter and cynical.

It’s hard work to re-frame the way we view difficult times. We’re quick to label them as bad and to rail against the unfairness of having to endure them. Most of us view setbacks as interruptions from the way life is “supposed” to unfold, betraying a sense of entitlement we may not realize we have. But when we pause to examine hard circumstances further, there is much we can learn. The opportunities for personal and spiritual growth are only limited by our willingness to shift our perspectives. When we begin to view hard circumstances through a biblical lens, we start seeing that what looks bad on the surface is brimming with good.

Perhaps one of the best examples of this comes from the life of Joseph recorded in Genesis. After being sold by his jealous brothers to slave traders, he finds himself in a series of unfortunate circumstances. Despite being a person of honor and integrity, he’s falsely accused of rape, thrown in prison, and left there for two years. Eventually his character and faithfulness to God lead to a stunning reversal. After interpreting a prophetic dream for Pharaoh, he’s made second in command of Egypt. In this position, he’s tasked with ensuring the crops produced during seven years of plenty are stored to prepare for seven subsequent years of famine, in keeping with Pharaoh’s dream.

Meanwhile, Joseph’s family in Canaan experiences the ravages of the famine and heads to Egypt to buy food. His ten older brothers appear before him to buy grain and, “Although Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him.” (Genesis 42:8, NIV)

After several interactions with them over time, Joseph can’t restrain himself any longer and proclaims, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.’” (Genesis 45:4b-7, NIV)

Rather than spewing anger at them for selling him into slavery and inflicting years of misery upon him, he reassures them. Joseph sees the big picture and realizes that God, in His sovereignty, used him to save his family and many others from starving to death during the famine. Later, he reiterates this to his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20, NIV)

Reading that leads me to think of someone else who endured hardship for the good of many: Jesus. Just as Joseph tumbled downward from his privileged position as Jacob’s favorite son to a lowly slave, Jesus left the glory of heaven to become a lowly man: “[Jesus] made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” (Philippians 2:7, NIV)

Joseph endured the humiliation of being falsely accused and punished for a crime he didn’t commit.  In the same way, Jesus was falsely accused and received punishment for the sins of all humankind: “he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:8, NIV)

Scripture explains the purpose behind this: “For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:3-4, NIV)

Joseph traveled a broken road, but he saw how his painful circumstances led to ultimate good—the saving of many lives. Like him, Jesus’ suffering led to an even greater good–the saving of humankind. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:16-17, NIV)

God allowed His son to walk a painful path for the sake of ultimate good, triumphing over evil, death, and sin. Could it be possible that the lesser hardships we endure can also be used for His glory and our good? 

Beloved author and theologian C.S. Lewis describes pain as “God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Are you willing to listen? How about refocusing your perspective on hardships using the lens of God’s goodness? This can move you past the pain and discomfort to discover the greater significance, as Joseph did.

Keep his story in mind and consider how your hurts and hardships might be pointing you toward the Lord as you listen to “Bless the Broken Road” by Selah.

To learn about other parallels between Joseph and Jesus, click here.

Joseph After the Dream Coat

Whether you read the Bible or not you probably know Joseph’s story from the book of Genesis. Thanks to Andrew Lloyd Weber, Tim Rice, and an episode of Seinfeld, you’ve likely heard of the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. The show is fun and dramatic, but light on spiritual significance. The biblical version spotlights the Lord’s faithfulness and Joseph’s character. Let’s look at a few of the many themes in this inspiring story and see how we can apply them to our lives.

The Lord was with Joseph

As a proud father, Jacob wasn’t shy about showing preferential treatment to the firstborn son of his favorite wife. In fact, he gave Joseph the coat of many colors as an outward symbol of his fondness. Naturally, this caused intense jealousy among his ten older brothers. Joseph only compounded their resentment by recounting dreams of his brothers and parents bowing down to him. (We’ll cut him some slack here for his stunning lack of self-awareness since he was only 17). You probably remember that his charmed life made an abrupt shift when his brothers sold him to slave traders who carried him off to Egypt. 

Despite his dire circumstances, Scripture reminds us four times in one chapter that “The Lord was with Joseph.” (39:2, 3, 21 & 23) Because of this, God’s favor rested upon him and those he served, “the Lord blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake; the blessing of the Lord was on all that he had, in house and field.” (Genesis 39:5, ESV)

Note that the blessing upon Joseph and the anguish of being enslaved were happening simultaneously. It’s not unusual for good and hard situations to coexist in our lives. In fact, Jesus promises us, “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:33b, NIV) Thankfully, He finishes that statement with a word of encouragement, “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33c, NIV) Like Joseph, we can rest in the knowledge that God is with us: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel (which means ‘God with us’).” (Matthew 1:23, NIV) What a comfort this should be to us!

Unfortunately, we often struggle living in the tension of knowing that life is hard, but God is with us. Is it difficult for you to trust the Lord and serve Him faithfully in challenging times? Are you tempted to get bitter or to wallow in self-pity when everything isn’t going your way? Perhaps it’s time to re-focus your attention on the truth that God is with you all the time. Can you believe Jesus and take heart knowing He has overcome the world, even when you can’t see how He’s working things out? These are convicting questions, but they might help to re-align your perspective if you’re in a difficult season.

Joseph’s Character Shines Through

No matter where Joseph found himself, his character remained consistent. His leadership skills and integrity always seemed to rise to the top like cream in a pail of milk. Consider these instances:

-Serving as a slave: “The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. So Potiphar left everything he had in Joseph’s care; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.” (Genesis 39:5-6, NIV)

-Behind bars: “So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph’s care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.” (Genesis 39:22-23, NIV)

-In Pharaoh’s court: “So Pharaoh asked [his officials], ‘Can we find anyone like this man, one in whom is the spirit of God?’…Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, ‘Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be in charge of my palace, and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you.’” (Genesis 41:38, 40-41, NIV)

Despite receiving unfair treatment, being punished for false accusations, and living as a slave for 13 years, Joseph’s consistency of character continued to be recognized and respected. He used his gifts to bless others and in every situation, he proved his trustworthiness.

I’m inspired when I consider this. So often it’s natural to compartmentalize our lives and to show certain parts of our characters to select people.  We might be kind and friendly at church, but pull into our garages without acknowledging our neighbors. Or maybe we gladly sign up for service projects, but feel annoyed when someone who needs help interrupts our schedules. Perhaps we’re good at being like Jesus when people behave the way we want and don’t  inconvenience us too much. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from Joseph and let the gifts God’s given us bless others wherever we find ourselves, whether it’s a place we’ve chosen or a place we’re forced to be.

Joseph Honors God Boldly

One of the most striking aspects of Joseph’s story is the reverence he showed to the Lord. He honored God with his behavior and pointed others back to Him. Joseph chose not to fall to the temptation of Potiphar’s wife saying, “How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” (Genesis 39:9, NIV). Each time he interpreted a dream, he gave God the credit “‘I cannot [interpret your dream],’ Joseph replied to Pharaoh, ‘but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires.’” (Genesis 41:15-16, NIV) Later, when the Lord blessed him with children, Joseph chose names that honored Him and pointed to His faithfulness. His older son’s name meant, “God has made me forget all my trouble” and his younger son’s meant “God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.” (Genesis 41:51-52, NIV)

Joseph was the only follower of the one true God while he was in Egypt, yet he spoke about the Lord and gave Him the credit for everything. His boldness and humility are convicting, but also inspiring. How apt am I to speak of God’s goodness to unbelievers? How often do I admit that it’s Him working through me when I have a positive impact on others?  It seems that Joseph’s quickness to acknowledge the Lord drew respect from everyone. Perhaps it’s time to pray for more confidence in this area. Do you need to do the same?

Feeling like you can’t measure up to Joseph’s example? Don’t forget, God is with you, just as He was with Joseph. Let Matthew West’s song “The God Who Stays” encourage you today. 

*Image of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat logo from dellspalace.com