Category: Transitions

Stopping the Spiral with Gratitude

We’ve all experienced being victims of circumstance—suffering negative consequences due to factors out of our control. Right now, the most obvious and universal example is dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. We’re lamenting all the things we’ve lost or struggling with new routines that we don’t want to accept—like starting school online, wearing masks, and following social distancing guidelines. It’s easy and natural to focus on the negative and slip into a victim mentality, bemoaning all the activities we can’t do the way we want. 

Although we justify feeling sorry for ourselves, we may be unintentionally signaling the enemy to lure us into a victim mentality.  Addressing this line of thinking, Jennie Allen explains, “I know. It’s not comfortable to talk about. Especially since there is so much injustice in the world, and there are real victims who experience real suffering…[but] I’m talking more here about spending so much time licking our wounds that we don’t allow them to heal.” (p. 90 & 91)

Nuggets of truth like this keep popping up in Allen’s Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians. The book identifies the primary enemies of our minds and the weapons God gives us to fight them. It’s been powerful using tools she identifies to stop my downward spirals and toxic thoughts.  (Check out my last five posts from this series if you haven’t read them yet.) The enemy of our minds we’ll explore today is victimhood. 

Jennie Allen explains the weapon to fight this kind of thinking: “We can choose gratefulness over victim mentality, because we are not victims of our circumstances; we are survivors, and held by God…We can center our thoughts on the certainty that, no matter what has happened to us, no matter what comes, we are upheld securely by God’s righteous right hand. And that will shift our minds toward gratitude.” (p. 91)

Paul wrote in Philippians: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (4:6, NIV) Usually we focus on the end of the verse that encourages us to offer our requests to God. We tend to skip over the first part that tells us to do this, “with thanksgiving.” Maybe it’s a good idea to thank the Lord for what He’s already done before we ask for something new.

Expressing gratitude to God changes our perspective. It reassures us of His faithfulness to us in the past, helping us to offer new requests with confidence. Thankfulness enables us to trust God is working for our good, even in difficult circumstances. It also reminds us of His unchanging character and directs us to notice His activity around us all the time, bringing unexpected joy. 

Thankfulness doesn’t gloss over hard circumstances, but it does help us to see them in a new light. For me, the past several weeks have abounded with opportunities to experience this. On a Friday evening recently, I sat huddled over a cell phone as a doctor delivered the unwelcome news that my mom has terminal cancer. Just two days later, I stood in the early morning light waving goodbye as my husband and older son began the long drive to Texas. Tears flowed uncontrollably for the next few hours as I began to inventory the losses in my life. I’ve been preparing for both my boys to leave for college and adjusting to having an empty nest for the first time. What I hadn’t anticipated was that their departures would coincide with the final chapter of my mom’s life. My personal world is changing in so many big ways right now that it’s hard to process.

Pausing to feel the weight of my emotions was healthy and good, but it could have easily led me into self-pity and feeling like a victim of circumstances. This overwhelming season has prompted me to lean into God for strength and to find encouragement in His Word. Mingled with the sadness are moments of deep gratitude for the ways I see the Lord working. Thankfulness has been an incredible tool to fight against the self-pity that threatens to consume me.

I’ll share just two of the many blessings that continue to fill me with gratitude lately. First is the knowledge that although my mom’s body is shutting down, her spirit is getting ready to soar. My mom knows and loves Jesus and accepted Him as her Savior many years ago. She’s getting ready to meet Him face to face and claiming the truth of one of her favorite passages in Scripture: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, NIV)

In addition to this huge blessing, I’m also grateful for friends who have come alongside me during this sad and stressful time. God seems to prompt different people daily to reach out to me and remind me of His loving presence and care. I’ve experienced profound comfort and tangible support from a number of individuals. I am grateful to God for the blessing of Christian community and the gift of authentic, kind friends who love me well. I understand and identify with Paul’s words to the Philippians: “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6, NIV)

If you’re in a hard season or struggling with COVID-related issues, you may be prone to sliding into self-pity or a victim mentality. Instead, stop and ask God to reveal Himself to you. Pray that He’ll show you one thing that can spark gratitude in you to stop your thoughts from spiraling downward. And if you want to discover hope in the Bible while experiencing Christian community, make time to join a group this fall. Invite someone else who could use encouragement too. Check out this link for a variety of online and in-person options available through CPC Danville.

Listen to “Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship and make it your prayer right now. Let it remind you to fight toxic thoughts by giving God praise.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians, Thomas Nelson Press, 2020.

Staying Open to the Movement of God

Staying open to the movement of God means we must be attentive to the Lord and open to change. Being flexible and ready to deviate from our comfortable patterns and predictable routines becomes our “new normal.”

The opportunity was amazing, but the timing couldn’t have been worse. Saying “no” seemed like the only logical answer. I’d been a member of a writers group for a while when the leader invited me to write a blog for a local news website. Saying “yes” would mean writing regular posts for six weeks as our church studied a book called The Hole in Our Gospel by World Vision’s President, Rich Stearns. My assignment would involve reading the book, listening to the sermons, participating in weekly small group discussions and then writing my thoughts and reactions consistently. 
 
I saw a few roadblocks that would have made it easy to say “no.” First off, I’d never written a blog and didn’t have any idea what was involved. On top of that, I already had a plate full of responsibilities and couldn’t imagine how I’d have time to complete the weekly reading, let alone post my thoughts about it. Beyond those obvious reasons, my family was struggling through a disastrous home remodel. I was already feeling overwhelmed and stretched thin emotionally since we’d been living in our house during construction.
 
Despite all that, when I told my husband about the invitation to write the blog, he said, “How can you pass on that chance? Haven’t we been praying that you’d have more opportunities like this? Now you’re being invited to write about a Christian book for a secular news site that thousands of people read? Sounds like God is dropping the opportunity right in your lap.” 
 
Clearly, my husband was more open to the movement of God than I was at that moment. After listening to his wise words, I said “yes” and embarked on the adventure of writing my first series of blog posts. Little did I know that would usher in a new season in my life that would lead to writing many more blogs, a Bible study, and an unpublished book manuscript. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought when I said “yes” that I would later have the courage to launch my own website and to have God inspire me to write over 260 posts.
 
Author Nicki Koziarz explains, “Most of us believe God wants to do great things in and through us but moving toward these things is often difficult.” (p. 107) Staying open to the movement of God means we must be attentive to the Lord and open to change. Being flexible and ready to deviate from our comfortable patterns and predictable routines becomes our “new normal.” Following God’s prompting may involve being thrust into situations that are beyond us, forcing us to rely on His strength, wisdom and power. Although it seems scary, this is where exponential growth happens.
 
Ruth and Naomi’s story provides a perfect example of staying open to the movement of God. Ruth just so happened to find herself gleaning in the fields of Boaz, who showed her great kindness: “As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, ‘Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.’” (Ruth 2:15-16, NIV)
 
When she returned home to Naomi that night with an abundance of food, Naomi realized the hand of God at work through the kindness of Boaz: “’The Lord bless him!’ Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. ‘He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead.’ She added, ‘That man is our close relative; he is one of our guardian-redeemers.’” (Ruth 2:20, NIV)
 
Naomi saw that Ruth’s gleaning in Boaz’ field was no coincidence. She recognized the providence of God: His care and guidance even in the smallest details. Naomi hadn’t sought out the help of her relative, but God had led Ruth to his field. This was only the beginning of seeing God’s hand move in their lives in mighty ways. Once He had their attention, they were ready to follow His lead.
 
What does it take to imitate their example and be open to the movement of God in our lives?
 
Be Teachable
For starters, we need to pay attention and ask God to show us where He’s moving.  We need to trust the Lord and invite Him to reveal what we need to learn, especially when plans aren’t unfolding according to our preferences. God often places opportunities before us that we miss because they don’t look the way we expect. If you find yourself in a situation that isn’t going the way you want, stop and ask God to show you what He wants you to learn from it. Tell Him you’re open to how He wants to move in your life through the situation.
 
Maintain Margin
Another way to be open to God’s movement is to maintain margin in your life. When your schedule is packed and your to do list is a mile long, it’s hard to be flexible and available to the Spirit’s prompting. Prayerfully consider where you invest your time. Don’t rush to fill every second with a scheduled activity. Instead, try starting your day with a simple prayer, “God show me who You want to bless through me today. Show me where You’re already at work and inviting me to join You.” 
 
Remember You’ve Been Equipped
Ephesians 2:10 tells us that God prepares good works in advance for us to do. The Lord equips those He calls and gives us gifts to use to bless others and to further His kingdom. Ask Him to show you where He wants to use the gifts He’s given you. Invite Him to lead you to the good works He’s prepared in advance for you.
 
Be Flexible
Nicki Koziarz says, “I think one of the worst things we can do for ourselves in the process of becoming women who complete our God assignments is to stay stuck in the patterns that paralyze us. Change often seems to be a far off concept we can’t always wrap our actions around.” (p. 95). Being open to the movement of God means being flexible and agreeable to change. God rarely does things the same way twice. He often calls us to be stretched beyond our comfort zones so that we can discover new things He wants to do in and through us. If we’re not flexible and open to change, we’re closing ourselves off to the movement of God.
 
If you want to see God work in your life, just ask. Remain expectant, teachable and flexible so that you’re ready to respond when He reveals Himself to you.
 
Listen to Plumb’s song “Lord, I’m Ready Now” and make it your prayer today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

Interested in reading the blogs I wrote for the The Hole in Our Gospel?Check out the links below.

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel-part-2

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel-part-3

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel-part-4

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel-part-5

https://patch.com/california/danville/bp–the-hole-in-our-gospel-part-6

Nicki Koziarz, A Woman Who Doesn’t Quit, Lifeway Press, 2018.

Joyfully Sad

It’s the little things that catch me by surprise—the lone toothbrush on the counter where there used to be two, the neatly made bed that wasn’t slept in the night before, or the empty hamper that used to be overflowing no matter how often I did the laundry. From my description, it almost sounds as if we’ve had a death in the family. And although we are grieving the absence of our first born, he’s not only alive and well, but thriving as a freshman in college. I wasn’t prepared for the conflicting feelings that would accompany his departure: the deep ache of knowing that our family will never be quite the same contrasted by the profound joy of watching our son launch into adulthood.

I braced myself for his departure during his senior year. Tears flowed at different milestones: making his last school lunch, waving as he and his brother drove off together on the final day of school, watching him cross the stage at graduation. The intensity of emotions increased at the end of the summer when we flew 1500 miles from home to get him settled at college.  Toggling between the joy of watching him embrace his new surroundings and the sadness of leaving him felt like a wild ride on a wobbly see-saw.

Since returning, we’re slowly adjusting to setting three places at the table instead of four. I miss swapping sections of the newspaper with him at breakfast and the camaraderie of working side by side at computers in our office. It doesn’t take much for a lump to form in my throat these days. I could easily wallow in sadness thinking about the magnitude of this change in our family. Lamenting about how things will never be the same can feel like swimming in an overcoat—I could easily drown in sorrow. Letting the tears flow is healthy and good, but lingering too long in sadness is not. It will only wear a groove in my brain that leads me down the same negative path over and over again.

With my son’s departure, I’ve been reflecting on my own college years. My parents laid a solid foundation for me in the first eighteen years of my life, but I had to launch from home to continue building on that foundation. They had to take a lesser role for me to mature fully. I wouldn’t want to deny my son that same experience. And really, isn’t that the whole point of parenting?

Our children arrive in our lives as tiny, needy little people. They start out relying on us for everything. But with each stage of development, they take one step closer to independence. We cheer for them when they first crawl and later walk. We’re relieved when they begin to eat, dress and bathe on their own. They start school and we coach them toward taking responsibility and doing homework without being reminded. At each stage of parenting, we’re teaching them a little more about how to navigate the world without us.

A friend recently coined the term “joyfully sad” to describe the paradox of this season. It perfectly describes the tangle of emotions that arise when grown children are finally ready to launch. They will always be our kids, but that hands-on parenting of their first eighteen years is no longer needed. And this is good and right.

Part of what makes childhood something to savor is that it doesn’t last. There is beauty in things that are fleeting—whether it is a delicate flower, a vibrant sunrise, or a newborn baby. There’s no time to take them for granted because they fade and change so quickly. Instead we enjoy them while we can.

My husband and I soaked in every moment with our son during our last few days with him at his new school. Before the dreaded time came to meet him on campus to say goodbye, we clasped hands to pray in our hotel room. Amidst the tears of joy and sadness, we thanked God for entrusting him to us and giving us the privilege of raising him for eighteen years.  And then we gave him back to the God who knew him, loved him, and chose him especially for us before time began. Our son was entrusted to us for a season and we relished every moment of his childhood. He will always be our precious boy. We know we have many milestones yet to share with him. And as the next leg of his journey begins, we are learning to adapt to our changing role.  Although we no longer see him daily, we rest in the knowledge that God remains at his side for this season and all the others that lie ahead.

Transition Troubles

ike waves crashing on the beach, life is constantly moving and changing. We can try to dig our toes into the sand and refuse to accept change or we can frolic in the surf as it washes over us.

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The e-mail caught me by surprise when it landed in my inbox two months ago. A dear friend broke the news that she was moving 3000 miles away. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. We squeezed in time to meet once before she left to see her new house for the first time. A month later, she returned to California to take her son to college and say goodbye to friends. It was a fast transition with no lead up–I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye. I know we’ll both be processing this huge change for months to come. I miss her already, but I trust that God has good things in store for both of us.

It seems everywhere I turn I’m encountering people dealing with transitions right now. Some of them are just part of our life stages: families leaving beloved elementary schools as their children begin middle school and other families taking kids to college for the first time. There are parents adjusting to having an empty nest and young adults trying to figure out life after college. Some are watching their kids get married and start families of their own. Others are wrapping up careers and navigating the unknown waters of retirement; some are selling homes and moving on now that their kids are grown. While these events are emotional, they are also evidence of positive growth and change.

Other transitions are more difficult to accept: the shift into single life resulting from divorce or the transition from being married to being widowed. There is the unwelcome transition from having a job to searching for a new one. Or the struggle of watching a close-knit community unravel and wondering how to move ahead.   These difficult transitions may be forced upon us, but we still have to learn how to live with them.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like times of transition. They are usually uncomfortable and awkward; often they are painful and difficult. But no matter what negative feelings I have about transitions, they are a part of life I’ve learned to accept and to entrust to God. When I’m still struggling to understand how to function as I transition from one thing to the next, I can trust that God already has a plan for me. I may not like the changes, but I can thank Him anyway and live expectantly knowing He has good things in store.

If you’re going through a transition, here are a few things that might help you navigate it and keep your focus in a healthy place:

-It’s OK to Grieve

Transitioning from one phase to the next means you have to leave something behind. It is healthy and normal to grieve the loss that the change is causing. If you’re trying to bottle up your negative emotions and put on a happy face, you’re going to struggle that much longer. Acknowledge your sadness to God and let yourself grieve for a while. Get help from a wise friend or counselor if you need it.

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:8, NIV)

-It’s Not OK to Wallow

Sometimes we get stuck in a transition and can’t move on. It’s healthy to feel sad for a while, but not to make it a permanent habit of your mind. If we spend too much time lamenting painful changes in our lives over and over, it prevents us from looking ahead to see what God wants to do next. If you’re still living and breathing, then God still has plans for you. There is a time to move on.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b-14, NIV)

-It’s Good to Move Forward

Like waves crashing on the beach, life is constantly moving and changing. We can try to dig our toes into the sand and refuse to accept change or we can frolic in the surf as it washes over us. Either way, we’re going to get wet.  We can’t avoid being affected by what’s happening around us. You can trust God whether you know what life holds for you on the other side of your transition or not. Seek Him in the midst of your struggles and let Him lead you.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV)

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