Cultivating personal, spiritual friendships over the long haul is an essential aspect of practicing the Way of Jesus.1 As we enter our final week of study in Session 08 of the Reading Reflection Guide, we’re encouraged to identify a community of believers we’ll commit to spending time with on a regular basis.
Life together is the Lord’s design for us: “God is one, yet God exists in a community of three: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. At the center of the universe is a relationship. Relationships are woven into our nature, crafted into our DNA. When we connect with others in healthy, loving ways, we reflect the image of God.”2
Christian community is characterized best by the Greek word Koininia, which translates to “fellowship” in English. Author and teacher Kelly Minter describes this as “having in common, joint ownership, or partnership.” She continues, “No fleeting pleasure compares to the joy that comes from fellowship…When Jesus is in our midst and we’re joined together with Him and with one another the common bond of our Savior ignites heart-bursting joy.”3
I’ve experienced the beautiful blessing of community but, if I’m honest, this topic can also spark disillusionment and discouragement in me.
I still remember walking out of church almost two decades ago upset and angry after a sermon about community. A hard shell of cynicism covered over the hurt I was nursing from some close relationships that were unraveling before my eyes. At the time, I remember feeling that sermons touting the joys of community were riddled with half-truths. They set high expectations but never seemed to acknowledge the hard parts.
Since that season of pain, God continues using Scripture, wise people, and life experience to teach me some significant truths about the blessings and challenges of being in Christian community. Relationships are messy and complicated but navigating those struggles with the Lord is what refines our faith and leads us to become more like Jesus. Through relationships we experience deep joy but also mature emotionally and spiritually by the challenges we encounter.
Relational hurt is hard to talk about and holds us back from moving forward when it goes unaddressed. With that in mind, let’s consider truth God has revealed as I’ve processed quiet challenges and hidden expectations about community.
Communities Ebb and Flow: When we connect with an individual or group, we need to remain flexible and open-handed. We’re setting ourselves up for disappointment if we expect our relationships to remain static in an ever-changing world. Friendships and circumstances continue to change and evolve over time. People move, schedules and commitments change. Sometimes friends have differing capacities for the amount of time and energy they can invest in relationships. It may be wiser and healthier to view meaningful connections with cherished communities as seasons rather than assuming they’ll last indefinitely. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV).
People in Community Hurt Each Other Sometimes: If we expect fellowship with believers to be pain and problem-free, we’re bound to be disappointed. People don’t mean to hurt us, but sometimes they do. They fail to meet our expectations; they don’t listen to everything we say and forget important things we’ve shared. They don’t always know what to do when we’re struggling or in pain. But here’s the thing: if you remove yourself from community because you’ve been hurt or disappointed, the person most affected by this is you. When you experience pain, ask the Lord to show you if you need to address the issue with the offending person/people or if you just need to forgive them and let Him comfort you. Friendships drift apart when we avoid dealing with areas where there is hurt or disagreement.
Strained and Broken Relationships Can Be Mended in Time: Communities sometimes fracture when our feelings get hurt and no one notices. They also fall apart when competition, jealousy, and comparison take center stage. When we nurse our hurt feelings and let them control our thoughts and actions, we make faulty assumptions. If you’re consumed by negative thoughts, it may be time to pull back for a while and lean into the Lord for a perspective shift. Take a break from the relationship, but don’t close the door on it for good. You may be surprised to discover how God redeems it later when emotions simmer down. Practice Paul’s advice: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:12, NIV).
Nurture a Variety of Relationships: When you find a few people you connect with easily do you want to wrap your arms around them and pull them in close forever? Narrowing your focus too much can be problematic. For starters, you’re missing out on other awesome people who could bless you. With too tight a circle, we can also become possessive and jealous. Additionally, when you hit a rough patch, you’ll have no one else to seek for comfort and wisdom. Diversify your friendships and understand that no single person or group can meet all your needs. Be consistent in nurturing cherished friendships but leave room for new ones to grow in every season of life. This keeps relationships from becoming stale and your expectations of one person or group from becoming too intense.
Community Comes in Many Forms: Often when others have a positive experience, they encourage us to replicate it. When we hear one model praised repeatedly and aren’t experiencing it personally, this can lead to discouragement or disillusionment. The gap between our expectations and actual experiences can be wide. So, as you pray and consider who you’d like to connect with regularly, don’t assume you have to start from scratch. Consider where you’re already enjoying community and then build from there. Don’t let the enemy discourage you if your version of community doesn’t look exactly like what’s being touted from a book, sermon, or leader. Idealism can sabotage our ability to appreciate the community we already have.
Relationships have been a collision of ideals and reality since the beginning of time. That’s why Session 08 in the Practicing the Way Reading Reflection Guide includes so many Scripture passages about community. Being part of a group centered around Jesus has the potential to bring great joy, encouragement, and growth. And at times, it may cause pain and disillusionment, which God also uses for good in our lives. Be encouraged that life together really is better. It’s one more opportunity to be with Jesus, become like Him, and do as He did.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25, NIV)
*This post is part of a series based on Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer and weekly practices described in the eight-session study guide. Order your copy of Practicing the Way using this link or buy it anywhere books are sold.
If you’d like a digital PDF to download, please reply in the comments.
If you’re participating in a group in person at CPC Danville, copies of the Reading Reflection Guide are available at Focused Living AM and PM and in the church office.
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- Paraphrased from Practicing the Way Reading Reflection Guide, 110.
- Ken Shigamatsu, God in My Everything, Zondervan 2013, 76.
- Kelly Minter, What Love Is, Lifeway 2014, 22 & 24.