Category: Emotions

Stopping the Spiral of Isolation

Not long ago I found myself consumed with negative thoughts after a series of text messages. Hurt feelings led me to make some cynical assumptions and harsh judgements. I’d let my joy be stolen by making unhealthy and unfair comparisons. Within a few hours, the negativity felt like a weighty anchor pulling me underwater in a sea of self-pity. After floundering there for a while, I realized I needed a friend to throw me a lifeline. 

Pulling out my phone, I dashed off a quick text asking for prayer. My friend was quick to respond and even offered to meet me in person to process my feelings more. At first, I was hesitant, knowing that an in-person encounter meant I’d have to delve deeper than the few lines I’d spewed out on my phone. It didn’t take long to realize that I needed to stop isolating and get the tangle of thoughts out of my head. I needed an outsider perspective to understand why I’d spiraled to such a negative place.

Sitting in my friend’s backyard later that day, I realized the root issue wasn’t that I’d been wronged, but that I’d fallen into some sinful thought patterns. Humbled, I realized my hurt feelings were based on envy and resentment. I’d wanted to complain and have her make me feel better, instead I saw that my reaction to the texts was sinful and my thinking was faulty. What I needed to do was confess, repent, and move on from my wallowing. Connecting with my friend and processing my thoughts aloud enabled me to stop the downward spiral.

Ironically, this situation unfolded the same week I was studying the fourth enemy of our minds. In case you missed my last three posts, I’ve been working through Jennie Allen’s Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians. The book identifies the primary enemies of our minds and the weapons God gives us to fight them. It’s been powerful using these tools to stop my downward spirals and toxic thoughts. So far, we’ve covered three of the six enemies of our minds: self-importance, noise, and cynicism. We learned how to fight them with humility, silence, and delight. (Check out my last three posts if you haven’t read them yet.) The fourth enemy of our minds is isolation and the weapon we need to fight it is connection.

Jennie Allen explains, “We find ourselves in a generation that has made an idol out of the very thing God is calling us away from: independence. But often when we back away from others, it’s because we’re listening to lies about our worth…We weren’t meant to be alone in the dark. Being known turns on the light. And that scares the devil. He doesn’t want us in the light because when we stay in the dark with him, he can tell us whatever he wants. No more. Use the weapon of connection, and fight with light.”

The apostle Paul models the importance of connection throughout the book of Philippians. During a two-year house arrest in Rome, he wrote this letter to the beloved people of the church he’d founded on his second missionary journey recorded in Acts 16. Let’s see what inspiration we can draw from his examples:

Connection Through Prayer: “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.” (Phil 1:3-5) Paul’s ongoing prayers for the believers in Philippi kept his heart connected to theirs. In the same way, when we pray with and for others it keeps us tied to them and gives us tender feelings for them.

Connection Through Shared Goals: “And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.” (Phil 1:14) Paul’s imprisonment motivated fellow believers to continue the work he’d started. Their mutual passion to share the good news of Jesus created a deep bond between them. In the same way, we connect with others through having mutual motivations and goals rooted in Jesus.

Connection Through Caring for Others: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phil 2:3-4) Looking beyond ourselves to care for the needs of others creates powerful connection points and authentic relationships.

Connection Through Serving with Others: “For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel.” (Phil 2:21-22) Timothy and Paul labored for the sake of the gospel together. Doing this bonded them like a father and son. Serving with others is a powerful way to make meaningful and lasting connections.

Connection Through Allowing Others to Serve You: “But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.”  (Phil 2:25) The Philippians sent Epaphroditus to care for Paul while he was imprisoned. Paul’s willingness to allow Epaphroditus to do this created a lasting bond between them. It also strengthened Paul’s connection to the believers who had sent Epaphroditus to help him in his time of need.

Connection Through Shared Struggles: “I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” (Phil 3:10) Paul wanted to experience suffering to identify with Jesus. When we journey through suffering with others and the Lord, it connects us to them in deep, lasting ways.

Connection Through Shared Hope: “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.” (Phil 3:20-21) Sharing the same hope for the future connects us to other believers and enables us to encourage one another, especially in difficult times.

Connection Through Tangible Support: “Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need.” (Phil 4:14-16) Meeting the tangible needs of others connects us to God’s greater purposes and helps us to participate in building His kingdom on earth. When we support missions and ministries beyond our community, it helps us to connect with His people throughout the world.

Connecting to others is a powerful weapon to stop the downward spiral caused by isolation. What’s one area mentioned above you’ll pray and ask God to expand in your life in the months ahead?

The first time I heard OneRepublic’s song “Connection” the lyrics struck me as being the anthem for our culture today. It paints a picture of how many people in our world are hungry for meaningful connection. If you enjoy fellowship with Jesus, let Him use you to share it with others.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians, Thomas Nelson Press, 2020, pages 86 & 87.

All Scripture quoted from the New International Version.

Stopping the Spiral of Cynicism

I used to pride myself on being cynical. It made me feel smart because I saw past façades and was less likely to take things at face value. Like Toto the dog in The Wizard of Oz, I recognized there was a hidden truth behind the curtain that many people couldn’t see. What I didn’t realize was that cynicism also kept me from fully participating in life or experiencing a sense of belonging with others.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a cynic as someone who “shows a disposition to disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions.” Jennie Allen expands on this idea saying, “Cynicism erodes our ability to see God rightly. Cynicism at its root is a refusal to believe that God is in control and God is good. Cynicism is interpreting the world and God based on hurt you’ve experienced and the wounds that still lie gaping open. It forces you to look horizontally at people rather than vertically at God.”

So, here’s how cynicism causes us to spiral downward in our minds, “The enemy’s strategy is to flood our thoughts with visions of all that is wrong in this broken, fallen world to the point we don’t even think to look for the positive anymore. Cynicism just becomes the way we think, and we don’t even notice.” This was true of me until a Bible teacher I respected pointed out the dark side of cynicism many years ago. Since then, I’ve prayed regularly about how to keep it from being the filter for all my thoughts.

In case you missed my last two posts, I’ve been working through Jennie Allen’s Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians. The book identifies the primary enemies of our minds and the weapons God gives us to fight them. It’s been powerful using these tools to stop my downward spirals and toxic thoughts. So far, we’ve covered two of the six enemies of our minds: self-importance and noise. We learned how to fight them with humility and silence. (Check out my last two posts if you haven’t read them yet.)

As with the previous enemies we explored, God provides us with a weapon to fight cynicism in our thoughts: delight. It isn’t the antidote I was anticipating, but it does make perfect sense. Allen explains, “Cynicism is destroying our ability to delight in the world around us and fully engage with others. God has an abundance of joy and delight for us, and we’re missing it with arms crossed… Cynicism puts our minds on things of this earth, and we lose hope. Beauty points our gaze toward the heavens and reminds us of hope. Cynicism crumbles in the presence of beauty.” (p. 128 & 135) This is why Scripture encourages us to focus our thoughts in a specific direction:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9, NIV)

Consider the amount of time you spend on thoughts that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. It’s impossible to remain cynical when we delight in these things. Our focus changes and we spiral up instead of down.

In the opening words of Psalm 19 King David paints a picture of how noticing the Lord’s creation leads us to delight in Him: “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.” (Psalm 19:1-4a, NIV)

Like David’s experience, nature spoke to me in a personal and profound way recently. For several weeks, every time I stepped outside in the morning a small bird would dart away from the topiary tree next to the front door. My presence seemed to alarm her, causing her to perch nearby watching me as I sat doing my Bible study. After a few days I noticed her pattern. Curious, I parted the tree’s branches and spied a nest with tiny blue eggs inside. A feeling of delight welled up in me as I peered at the speckled eggs and the miniature flowers woven into the nest. 

As the weeks progressed, I continued to peak between the branches. The blue eggs eventually hatched to reveal a squirming bundle of downy chicks. At first, they were quiet and sleepy, but within a few days, they woke up to the world. Each time I looked inside they would hold up their tiny beaks waiting for food as the mama hovered nearby.  And then, a few weeks later, I peaked in to discover they were gone. They’d flown away leaving behind a soiled nest and the fragment of one tiny blue egg in the dirt beneath it. It was sad, but sweet too.

I hadn’t just delighted in the birds, but in how God spoke to me through them. What I’d witnessed was an accelerated version of the journey of parenthood I’ve been on for the past 21 years. This fall, my nest will empty as my younger son leaves for college. Watching the life cycle of the baby birds comforted me—reminding me that it is good and right for grown chicks to leave the nest and fly out into the world. Even the mess they left behind showed me why they couldn’t stay there forever. (It also helped me to have a sense of humor about moments when my own child seems to “poop the nest” as he prepares to spread his wings and fly.)

Writing this helps me realize that I’ve used the first three weapons to stop negative spirals in my mind. Choosing humility enabled me to turn away from focusing on myself and my changing circumstances. Rather than grieving the end of my son’s childhood, I’m celebrating the beginning of a new chapter in our family. Choosing silence allowed me to spend those moments on my porch not only finding hope in God’s Word, but in His creation in the tree right beside me. And delighting in the eggs hatching turned me away from cynicism about some of the harder moments I’ve had with my son and reminded me that he’s ready to launch. 

Here’s what I’m realizing: putting these tools into practice works. When we humble ourselves, get quiet, and choose delight, God’s Word and His creation continually point us back to Him and we spiral up instead of down. 

Which tool will you try this week? Use what God has given you and experience the positive difference they make.

Celebrate God’s goodness with me by listening to Micah Tyler’s song “Amen”.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts, Waterbrook Press, 2020, pages, 131, 127, 128, 135. (Quotes in this post are all from this book.)

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians, Thomas Nelson Press, 2020. (This study is what has inspired this series of posts.)

Stopping the Spiral with Silence

Shooting across the boat’s wake, my waterski accelerated faster than expected. Instead of slowing down to turn around the buoy on the slalom course, I found myself catapulting headfirst into the water. Resurfacing, I swam toward the boat, feeling a bit shaken by the crash. Over the days that followed, I felt “off” but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was wrong. Lights and sounds seemed magnified and jarring. Multi-step tasks felt confusing and difficult. I was easily irritated and upset by things that normally didn’t bother me. Looking up my symptoms online I finally realized the truth: I had a concussion.

After a visit to the doctor, I cut back on my responsibilities and limited my time in places with lots of stimuli. Going to the grocery store was too much for me. I stopped listening to music and ceased multitasking. I had to monitor time spent watching TV or working on the computer or I’d become agitated and overwhelmed. I spent significant time daily lying down in a quiet, darkened room letting my brain rest and heal. 

Because I’d ignored the warning signs from my body during the first few days after my fall, I hadn’t given my brain quiet time to rest and recover. Bombarding it with constant inputs early on slowed the healing process, causing much of my life to be put on hold for two months.

I thought of that strange season as I considered the second weapon to fight negative spirals in our minds. In case you missed last week’s post, I’ve been working through Jennie Allen’s Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians. The book identifies the primary enemies of our minds and the weapons God gives us to fight them. It’s been powerful using these tools to stop my downward spirals and toxic thoughts before they go too far. 

My last post covered the first enemy of our minds: self-importance. We learned that humility is the weapon God gives us to fight against it. The second enemy of our minds highlighted in the book is noise. Not surprisingly, the weapon to fight against it is silence. Take a moment and consider all of the inputs you receive on a given day: texts, e-mails, phone calls, social media posts, podcasts, TV, radio, news, magazines, and books. I haven’t even mentioned face-to-face conversations, meetings in person or on Zoom, interactions with cashiers, fellow customers, or restaurant servers. And what about the junk mail, phone messages, bills, and solicitations you process daily? Just writing the list makes me feel overwhelmed. No doubt, the number of inputs entering our minds on any given day is staggering. There’s a lot of noise bouncing around in our brains.

Most of us have grown so accustomed to the constant barrage of information demanding our attention, we don’t realize how deeply we’re being affected by it. Jennie Allen explains, “Recognizing our spirals and naming them is the first step in interrupting them. That’s why the enemy wants to fill our lives and our heads and hearts with noise. Because silence with God is the beginning of every victory. Stillness, solitude in the presence of God, is the basis of our strategy for interrupting all kinds of problematic thought patterns…In silence we get to rewrite that pattern while taking back the power He has given us.”

I think all of us could benefit from being more cognizant of the number of inputs we receive daily. We need time to step away from the noise and give our minds and souls a rest. One of my favorite verses reinforces this idea, “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17, NIV ’84)

We consume and process an endless supply of information. And these constant inputs make us weary and often leave us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and anxious. But when we take time to draw near to the Lord, we allow Him to silence the noise in our heads that distracts us from Him. Letting Him quiet our spirits gives our minds rest and reminds us of His sovereignty over all things.

In fact, God spoke directly to His people about this very thing through the prophet Isaiah. He chastised them for rejecting His wisdom: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” (Isaiah, 30:15, NIV ’84) This passage explains that the path to salvation and strength is paved with repentance, rest, quietness, and trust. It also highlights how people often choose to ignore this truth. Sounds a lot like our culture today.

Jennie Allen suggests, “When you’re stuck in a downward spiral of discontent and distraction, get quiet. What truth will you shift your thoughts toward, in order to combat the lie that anything else can satisfy you like spending time with God?”

I love how David’s words highlight the first two weapons we’ve considered: 

“Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I don’t concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.” (Psalm 131:1-2, NLT) Humility and quiet stop negative spirals and lead us to peace and contentment.

Fight the constant noise in your life by pulling away for a few moments with the Lord. Monitor your inputs to stop the negative spirals that threaten to pull you downward. Let God realign your thoughts with the truth of His Word as you spend quiet time with Him. 

For some tips on good Scriptures to read as you spend quiet time with God, check out my recent post “Rise to Rest” by clicking here.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians, Thomas Nelson Press, 2020, 62-63, 64

Stopping the Spiral with Humility

I’ve called it many things over the years—feeling down, being in a funk, getting triggered, having my buttons pushed, riding the rollercoaster. Now, thanks to Jennie Allen’s book Get Out of Your Head, I have a new name for it: spiraling. Let me paint a picture of it for you.

Imagine you have an interaction with another person that sparks an emotion. Let’s say you feel hurt, which leads to a thought like, “I’m worthless, no one cares about me.” Your emotions spiral downward, affecting your behavior. Attempting to shield yourself from further hurt, you withdraw not only from this person, but from others as well. This behavior, in turn, affects your relationships. People you know feel ignored or rejected by your withdrawal. Your connection with them weakens, causing strained relationships as a consequence. You find yourself isolated and wallowing in hurt, validating your feelings of worthlessness.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Allen explains that spirals can progress in one of two directions, they can go “up toward God, or downward toward the thing we’re fixating on.”1 The progression follows a predictable pattern: emotions trigger thoughts which lead to behaviors that affect relationships that lead to consequences. However, we can learn “to choose thoughts that conform to the mind of Christ”2 and when we do this, “we start seeing better behaviors, better relationships, and better consequences.”3 So, our downward spirals begin to flip upward when we choose to focus on God.

For the past few weeks I’ve been working through Jennie Allen’s Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians. The book identifies the primary enemies of our minds and the weapons God gives us to fight them. I’ve been able to practice what I’m learning with real-life challenges on a regular basis. It’s been powerful using these tools to stop my downward spirals before they go too far. Because it’s been beneficial to me, I’d love to share it with you. If you’re intrigued, consider picking up a copy of the study to do on your own, or with friends.

Self-Importance vs. Humility

The first enemy of our minds highlighted in the book is self-importance. It’s the sense of entitlement that makes us think we deserve special treatment. Allen explains, “We’re fed a continuous message of how much we matter, how very important we are—but in the long run, our urge to protect ourselves and promote our own awesomeness leads to more separation, more disillusionment with each other, and more insecurity and fruitless comparison.”4 Allen explains, “lasting joy will come only when God is in the center.”5 When we put God where He belongs, we rest in His power, not our own. The weapon we use to fight self-importance is humility. Consider this wisdom from Scripture:

Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Self-importance is rooted in selfish ambition and conceit. So, when we value others above ourselves and look to their interests, this diffuses the inflated view of self that sent us spiraling downward in the first place. 

Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” It’s impossible to be harsh and gentle at the same time. When someone hurts us and we choose to bear with them in love, we recognize their value, in spite of their offensive behavior. Patience keeps us from making a rash judgement, overreacting, or lashing out in our pain.

1 Peter 5:5b-7 “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” When we’re anxious, worried, or upset, the wise choice is to cast those negative emotions at the foot of the cross. Entrusting them to God keeps us from striking back pridefully and assuming we’re right and the other person is wrong. If God opposes the proud, the wise response is to choose humility. This stops the negative spiral and shows the Lord we trust Him to work out the situation in whatever way He deems best. 

Psalm 25:9 “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” When we’re experiencing negative emotions and we decide to share them with the Lord, we leave room for Him to show us the healthiest response. A humble heart is a teachable heart.

Imagine how the scenario I described earlier would look if we used the weapon of humility: You have an interaction with another person that sparks an emotion. You feel hurt. You decide to respond with humility. Choosing humility leads to a thought like, “Wow, that person must be having a bad day. Sometimes I say hurtful things that I don’t mean when I’m in a foul mood too. I’m not going to take that personally.” The emotion spirals upward, affecting your behavior. You give the person grace by assuming the best rather than nursing hurt feelings. This behavior, in turn, affects your relationships. Those you know appreciate your tendency to give the most generous explanation for others’ behavior. Your connection to people strengthens, which leads to positive consequences. Your relationships become healthier and you find yourself feeling grateful for the people in your life. You thank God for humbling you enough to see you’re as prone to sin as the one who offended you. Like the psalmist, you pray, “O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.” (Psalm 69:5, ESV)

If you find your emotions taking the lead and causing you to spin downward, remember you have a choice. Stop the spiral by using the weapon of humility. Spend time focusing on the wisdom of the verses above. Then, pray and ask God to give you the humility you need to focus on Him instead of your feelings.

Let Natalie Grant’s song “My Weapon” empower and inspire you today.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: A Study in Philippians, Thomas Nelson Press, 2020. 1. Page 40 2. Page 42 3. Page 42 4. Page 60 5. Page 60

Re-route Your Thoughts

Rolling my bike to a stop, I surveyed the trail. Just ahead of me, a large tree limb had fallen across it, blocking my way forward. It would have been awkward to scramble over, especially with my bike getting tangled in the foliage. The best option seemed to be going around it, which meant trudging through knee-high weeds and over rocky ground to forge a new path. 

On my next ride a few weeks later, the tree was still stretched across the main trail, but the long weeds I’d pushed through were now trodden down. Clearly, others had made the same choice to navigate around the obstacle in the path. Each time I took the trail in subsequent months, I noticed how the new route began replacing the old one. Matted grass gave way to bare patches of dirt; rocks were kicked aside. Over time, the rough trail was smoothed by a multitude of feet and bikes. Within months, the path around the fallen tree had become the main route. It had just taken repeated and consistent use.

Recently, I envisioned that re-routed trail because it illustrates changes I’m making to my thought patterns. I’m not proud to admit that my default mode of thinking tends to be critical, negative, and cynical. Rarely do my natural inclinations lead me to assume the best or to feel confident that circumstances will turn out well. Can you relate? Unsatisfied with my negative tendencies, I’ve been focused on building new neural paths that will point me in a more positive direction.

The desire to change my thinking isn’t futile, there is research that supports what I’m trying to do. It turns out our brains are more pliable than we realize. In her book Get Out of Your Head, Jennie Allen explains the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, a professor of clinical psychiatry. “’Where attention goes,’ he wrote, ‘neural firing flows and neural connection grows…Patterns you thought were fixed are actually things that with mental effort can indeed be changed…We are not passive in all this activity of mind and awareness.’ What we think about, our brains become. What we fixate on is neurologically who we will be.”1 So, the more we think certain thoughts, the wider those paths become and the more we’re inclined to travel on them mentally.  

Allen goes on to explain, “Good things happen when we train our attention on that which is beautiful, on that which is authentic and compelling and good. What’s more, beyond the obvious emotional experience, those good things from the hand of God can point us to the One who creates beauty, who is beautiful. Cynicism puts our minds on things of this earth, and we lose hope. Beauty points our gaze toward the heavens and reminds us of hope.”1

The Bible provides the roadmap we need to change our thoughts. Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians show us how to build a new web of trails in our minds: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV) We can ask the Lord to re-route our thinking onto more positive paths that honor Him. Allen explains, “The spiraling, chaotic thoughts that have so long keep us trapped will give way to the peace and beauty and abundant life Jesus died to give us.”2 This brings hope to us and to others. And when we venture back down negative roads, we can trust the Holy Spirit to show us we’re off track before we’ve traveled too far.

Paul’s words to the Romans describe this process of shifting from old and unhealthy thought patterns to new ones: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2, NIV) When we realize we’re letting the world influence us more than the Lord, let’s make it a regular practice to ask Him to renew our minds. Jennie Allen explains, “We renew our minds by filling our minds with truth, with who God says we are, and then holding every other thought up to those truths. Those truths are our weapons, and they stop the spirals in our minds.”2

As we focus on forging new mental paths, we’re learning to keep our thoughts in check. Our mindsets change as we trust the Holy Spirit, apply the wisdom of Scripture, and surrender our thoughts to God consistently. Every day provides a new opportunity to invite the Lord to continue widening new and better paths in our minds.

For some musical inspiration, listen to “Burn the Ships” by the band For King and Country. It invites us to walk away from the negative elements of our pasts and start fresh. As you listen, ask God what unhealthy practices you need to turn from today so you can let Him help you forge new and better paths.

  1. Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts, Waterbrook, 2020, pages 42 & 135.
  2. Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head Study, Thomas Nelson, 2020, pages 54 & 59.

The Gift of Empathy

Stepping into line, I clutched my son’s tiny hand and kept my head down as we inched toward his classroom door. The preschool check-in process took a while, but usually created a welcome opportunity to chat with other moms. On that day, however, just walking into the building required excruciating effort. Participating in such a “normal” activity seemed surreal when I felt so raw, exposed, and vulnerable.

Just a few days earlier, I’d sat at my dad’s bedside as he exhaled his final breath. For the two weeks prior to that I’d been consumed with trekking back and forth to see him as he’d received hospice care. I’d been so removed from regular life that it felt overwhelming just dropping off my son at school. 

I assumed most of the moms in line knew I was grieving since I’d received flowers from the class. My sagging shoulders and red-rimmed eyes hinted at my fragile state, yet not one of them acknowledged my loss. I didn’t fault them for it—most of my peers hadn’t yet experienced the death of a parent and didn’t know what to say.

After a few awkward minutes, I felt a hand rest gently on my shoulder. Looking up, a mom I barely knew pulled me in close and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died a few years ago– I totally get what you’re going through.” She described the range of emotions she’d experienced, mirroring mine exactly. What a relief to encounter someone who understood my pain.  

In the years since then, I’ve been blessed by other compassionate people who have reached out to empathize with me through different struggles. None of them tried to fix my problems, but they all showed me compassion and understanding. They made me feel seen, heard, and loved. These kind acts beautifully illustrate Paul’s words in the New Testament:

 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)

Painful experiences are fertile ground for receiving God’s comfort. They also enable us to grow in our compassion for people. When we’re going through hardships, we can find hope knowing God will use them to bless others in the future.

Once you’ve experienced true empathy, you’re able to recognize how it differs from sympathy. Empathizing with others means we identify with their pain and connect with them in it. It’s when we say, “I get it, I know how you feel.” Sympathy, however, is like saying “I feel bad for you.” Instead of being a participant in the pain, a person offering sympathy remains a passive observer feeling pity for the hardships of another. While the intentions are kind, it can make a struggling person feel emotionally isolated. If you’ve ever gone through a hard time, you probably know that receiving a person’s empathy comforts so much more than the clichéd words of sympathy.

Sometimes we encounter people in pain and we have no frame of reference to empathize with them. It’s tempting to hold back and say nothing for fear of getting it wrong. However, there are simple tools we can use to respond in caring and sensitive ways that promote connection and understanding. Here are a few I’ve learned:

-Listen to understand, not to respond. Don’t get distracted thinking about what you’ll say next– you’ll miss what the person is telling you.

-Listen for feelings, not facts. Validate their emotions and don’t judge them as bad or good. Focus on the person, not on the details of their situation.

-Be present and patient. Let the struggling person have room to share the tangle of emotions they’re feeling. Get comfortable sitting in silence too. Remember your presence will communicate your support more than any helpful suggestions you might be tempted to offer. People may forget what you say, but they remember the way you made them feel.

-Avoid sharing stories about yourself. This may seem like empathy, but it’s really turning the attention to yourself. Saying “I’ve been there” or “I feel you” is enough. If they want to know more, they’ll ask.

-Don’t offer advice, quick assurances, or comparisons that minimize what they’re going through (ie: “At least….” Or “It could be worse…”). Don’t offer the “bright side” of the situation they aren’t ready to hear.

-Remember it’s not your job to speak for God or to make conjectures about why He’s letting a hard thing happen. Don’t over-spiritualize, preach, or quote a verse attempting to make them feel better. Instead, offer to pray with and for the person.

-Circle back later and see how they’re doing. Ask if there are any specific ways you can be praying. Sometimes after the initial conversation, we check off the “reach out to my struggling friend” box and move on. Difficult seasons can last a long time and most people appreciate ongoing support (to whatever degree you have the bandwidth to offer it.)

Want to learn more about the difference between sympathy and empathy? Watch this two minute video by Dr. Brené Brown.

Singer/ songwriter Toby Mac gives us an intimate glimpse into the pain of losing his son, Truett, in his song “21 Years.” Let it remind you to look at others with empathy and to invite God to use you to comfort them.

Sunshine and Shadows

In one day, Job lost his ten children, numerous servants, and all the livestock he owned, obliterating his family and livelihood. Consumed by grief, he tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell to the ground to worship God saying, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21, NIV)

Scripture tells us, “In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” (Job 1:22, NIV)

While Job’s grief was still fresh “Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, ‘Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!’ He replied, ‘You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.” (Job 2:7-10, NIV)

What strikes me most isn’t the tragedy of Job’s losses, but his response to them. In his grief, he worshiped the Lord and accepted the harsh turn of events. Does this surprise you like it does me? Praising God through difficult times feels foreign to us. Maybe it’s because our culture seems obsessed with comfort and ease and labels anything that’s hard or painful as bad or wrong. 

Even among Christians, there is a sense that God is good… as long as He does things the way we want. We thank Him when He answers prayers according to our desires and question Him when He implements a different plan. We’ve developed a quiet sense of entitlement, believing we have a right to certain things. We think we deserve a smooth path devoid of obstacles and are injured and indignant when God allows hardship instead. We take the good things in our lives for granted instead of seeing them as blessings. And we question whether God really is good or loving when something hard happens that disrupts what we consider “normal.” We rarely embrace that life is a balance of sunshine and shadows. Instead, we become doubtful, cynical, or self-pitying when dark clouds obscure our bright skies.

Sometimes we forget that the Lord deserves praise regardless of our circumstances. We focus on what He does or doesn’t do instead of who He is. I remember being struck by this realization many years ago when I witnessed parallel tragedies with opposite outcomes. In the span of two years, two little girls I loved faced dire situations: one was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the other almost drowned. Both spent time in the hospital ICU with grim diagnoses. One ended up losing her life; the other made a full recovery. Both came from families of faith who had prayed for miracles and trusted God to do what was best.

I don’t know why the Lord chose to heal one while allowing the other to die. It remains a mystery why one family got to resume their “normal” life, while the other was altered forever. Despite the opposite outcomes, both families accepted the pain God had allowed and grew deeper in their relationships with Him. Their trust in the Lord was inspiring and had a ripple effect on everyone who knew them, and many who didn’t.

These incidents gave me a fuller understanding of the Psalmist who says: “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress, I will never be shaken” (Psalm 62:1-2, NIV ‘84) As followers of Jesus, we understand that salvation and security lie outside the realm of circumstances. Whether earthly events turn out well or not, our true hope has an eternal perspective because death cannot separate us from God. 

There is a temptation to spend so much time questioning the Lord in hard times that we miss the opportunity to trust Him and let Him comfort us.  We wrestle with doubt and ask, “Why is God letting this happen?” Meanwhile, we overlook the places where He is showing up; where He is giving us tangible answers. Being consumed by self-pity also causes us to miss the ways He wants to teach and refine us through painful times. Additionally, it means we bypass chances to show others His goodness. In God’s economy, pain shouldn’t be wasted like this.

We can’t forget that no matter what hardships we encounter in this life, God wins in the end.  The Psalmist states it so clearly: “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands… On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.  Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” (Psalm 63:3-4,6-8, NIV ‘84) Ultimate hope doesn’t come from expecting God to turn circumstances in our favor; it comes from knowing His love is better than even life itself. Trusting His hand to hold us up and remembering that He walks with us through the darkness gives us the comfort we need. Because of His presence, we can find joy in the darkness– not a happy, smiling, giddy kind of joy, but a deep, peaceful assurance that He is in control and always has been.

Beloved author and preacher Oswald Chambers wrote: “We imagine we would be all right if a big crisis arose; but the big crisis will only reveal the stuff we are made of, it will not put anything into us… Crises always reveal character.” When we put our trust in God and walk with Him daily, when we seek His face, study His word, and obey Him in humble reliance, we will see Him molding and shaping our characters little by little.  At the same time, He will be revealing His character and His goodness to us. And when trouble comes, we’ll continue to trust Him and give Him the praise He deserves.

“Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship is a song of defiant praise during hardship. Let it fill you with renewed hope today.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Discovery House Publishers, 1935, 1963, Sept. 10 entry.  

Forging a New Path

Rolling my bike to a stop, I surveyed the trail. Just ahead of me, a large tree had fallen across it, blocking my way forward. The thick trunk and spiny branches would have been awkward to scramble over with my bike. The best option seemed to be going around it, which meant trudging through knee-high weeds and over rocky ground to forge a new path. 

A few weeks later, the tree was still stretched across the main trail, but the long weeds I’d pushed through were now trodden down. Clearly, others had made the same choice to navigate around the obstacle in the road. Each time I took the trail in subsequent months, I noticed how the new route began replacing the old one. Matted grass gave way to bare patches of dirt, rocks were kicked aside and, over time, the rough trail was smoothed by a multitude of feet and bikes. Within months, the path around the fallen tree had become the main route. It had just taken repeated and consistent use over time.

I imagined this trail as I began thinking of my hopes for the new year: I want to build some new paths—not on dirt trails, but in my mind. I’ve been learning there is science to support this goal, it’s not just wishful thinking on my part. In her book Get Out of Your Head, Jennie Allen explains the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, a professor of clinical psychiatry. “’Where attention goes,’ he wrote, ‘neural firing flows and neural connection grows…Patterns you thought were fixed are actually things that with mental effort can indeed be changed…We are not passive in all this activity of mind and awareness.’ What we think about, our brains become. What we fixate on is neurologically who we will be.” (p.42) So, the more we think certain thoughts, the wider those paths become and the more we’re inclined to travel on them mentally.  

Allen goes on to explain, “Good things happen when we train our attention on that which is beautiful, on that which is authentic and compelling and good. What’s more, beyond the obvious emotional experience, those good things from the hand of God can point us to the One who creates beauty, who is beautiful. Cynicism puts our minds on things of this earth, and we lose hope. Beauty points our gaze toward the heavens and reminds us of hope.” (p.135)

I’m not proud to admit that many of my neural pathways take me to negative places. It requires intentional effort for me to look on the positive side, to assume the best, and to be confident there will be a favorable outcome. My default modes of thinking tend to be critical, negative, and cynical. But I hope to change that this year.

Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians fuel my desire for a new web of trails in my mind: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV) I want to re-route my thoughts onto more positive paths that honor Jesus and bring life to myself and others. And when I venture back down negative roads, I want the Holy Spirit to stop me before I’ve traveled too far. That way, I’ll develop a reflex of asking for God’s help to renew my mind so I can continue establishing new routes. Paul’s words to the Romans describe the process of shifting from old and unhealthy thought patterns to new ones: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”(Romans 12:2, NIV)

This year, I’m focusing on developing mental paths that are positive and hopeful. I want to assume the best and see the good from the start rather than having to talk myself into it. This can only be done through the power of the Holy Spirit and the consistency of prayer.

Maybe, like me, you’re ready to step into a new day and forge a fresh path in the year ahead. The band For King and Country has an inspiring song called “Burn the Ships” that invites us to walk away from the negative things of our pasts and start new. Singer/songwriter Luke Smallbone explains, “The analogy of burning the ships came to me: the story of the sailors not wanting to explore the new world, wanting the comforts of their boats. Their leader calls them out and says, ‘We’ve got to burn the ships. This is a new world.’”

As you listen, ask God what ships you need to burn today so you can travel down new paths He has planned for you.

Jennie Allen, Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts, Waterbrook, 2020.

Luke Smallbone quoted from: ccmmagazine.com

A Solid Foundation

The next time you’re feeling unsteady or overwhelmed, use David’s words in Psalm 62 to regain your footing.

Looking at the realtor’s glossy advertisement, the house seemed to be brimming with potential. It sat on a quiet, tree lined street and was close to good schools for the kids we hoped to have one day. The floorplan was versatile and the large backyard had a panoramic view. But it was the price that initially drew us in. The numbers on the advertisement were far lower than any we’d seen in the area. It seemed too good to be true.

Touring the property with a realtor, my husband and I soon discovered the reason for the low price: the house had a cracked foundation. A large gash in the concrete slab was widening incrementally over time. The garage was shifting in the opposite direction from the house and would eventually pull away from it altogether. Assuring us that it was an “easy fix,” the realtor claimed the money we were saving with the low price would more than cover the repair job. With a bit more research, we learned that contractors hadn’t been able to determine the extent of the problem. They didn’t know if the house would have to be lifted so the deteriorating foundation could be replaced, or if the crack could simply be shored up. This meant estimates of the cost and the time it would take to fix it were rough guesses at best.

The more we thought about it, the less enthused we became. Buying a home on a faulty foundation just seemed like a bad idea. Wary of all the unknowns, we decided to pass on the opportunity and to keep looking. At that point, we learned that when something seems “too good to be true,” it probably is.

I’ve thought a lot about that house and what a metaphor it’s been for my adult life. With each decision my husband and I have made, our goal has been to build a solid foundation in both the physical and spiritual worlds. One of my favorite Psalms written by David captures this idea well: “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-8, NIV)

I’ve returned to this Psalm again and again over the years. I’ve clung to its truth during times of sorrow and stress, especially when family members or close friends have had serious health issues. It’s also my “go to” Psalm when I’m feeling threatened and unsettled by unwanted change or overwhelming circumstances. 

Over the last few posts I’ve been exploring different prayers from Scripture to see what we can learn from them. Psalm 62, however, is more of a pep talk than an actual prayer. It gives the key ingredients we can focus on when hard situations throw us off kilter. It reminds us where our attention needs to be so we won’t be shaken to the core.  In a nutshell, it builds a framework to remind us how to engage God when we’re feeling off balance.

-Find Rest in Him: So often when we’re on unsteady ground we feel emotionally and spiritually depleted. We’re tempted to seek solace in things that lack substance and that ultimately leave us feeling unfulfilled. What’s your default when you’re off balance or running on empty? Stop and think about it for a minute. Do you anesthetize in front of a TV screen? Get lost in a good book? Scroll through social media? Look for an escape through a fun activity? Pour yourself a stiff drink? Eat an entire pan of brownies? Flip mindlessly through a magazine? Go on a shopping spree? Distract yourself with work and productivity? These things aren’t bad when practiced in moderation, but they’re distractions that only soothe you in the moment. None of them will sustain you with the deep rest and reassurance your soul craves. Before going to your usual default for comfort, spend some time with the Lord and ask Him for the grounding and rejuvenation you need.

-Remain Steady on the Solid Rock: The allure of wealth, power, financial security, education, social status, material possessions, health, and relationships makes them seem like reasonable foundations for our lives. With fingers crossed, we hope they’ll keep us steady and secure. And when they fail us, we’re shattered. Conversely, when we build the foundation of our lives on the Lord, He provides a rock solid steadiness that is firm no matter what storms blow through our lives. He provides a refuge and a resting place that withstands chaotic and uncertain times. When you’re feeling unsteady because something you hold dear is threatened, take heart remembering that your feet are firmly planted on the Solid Rock.

-Find Your Hope in Him: We often look for hope in things of the world–the promise of a happy home, a healthy body, a robust financial portfolio, a fulfilling career, or a significant relationship. Our hope rests in circumstances going according to plan as the future unfolds. These desires aren’t bad or wrong, but we’re treating temporary things like they’re of eternal significance. When we take refuge in the Lord, however, we find hope that is secure despite unpredictable circumstances. This hope encompasses something far beyond even the best things our broken world has to offer. That’s what Jesus explained as He concluded the Sermon on the Mount:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” (Matthew 7:24-27, NIV)

The next time you’re feeling unsteady or overwhelmed, use David’s words in Psalm 62 to regain your footing. Ask the Lord to help you find rest in Him. Thank Him for being your solid rock and firm foundation. Celebrate that your hope and security are grounded in Him and aren’t dependent on anything else. Even if your circumstances don’t change immediately, your perspective will

David’s words invite us to be defiant in the face of distress, choosing instead to focus on what we know is true about God. “Build My Life” is a song that captures this audacious hope. Prayers that center on God’s character remind us to rest secure on our solid foundation, no matter what. Listen to this version by Pat Barrett and make it your prayer today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smrq6hc-vcU

Praying through Stressful Seasons

While most of us have not experienced the intensity of being hunted down by an enemy or living through the tumult of battle, we all know how it feels to be in a stressful season. Psalm 27 is one that can bring hope and truth in times when we need to lean into God and receive His comfort. It also provides promises we can trust and words we can pray in challenging times.

Bible scholars have different theories about the historical events happening in David’s life when he wrote Psalm 27. Some think he composed it during the years he was fleeing for his life from King Saul, others think it was written much later when his son, Absalom, attempted to overthrow him as king. No matter what the circumstances were exactly, it’s clear he penned the psalm during a season of great stress in his life. Despite this, David begins with a triumphant proclamation:

“The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of who shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.” (Psalm 27:1-3, NIV ’84)

In the subsequent verses, David makes several requests of the Lord that may seem surprising. Rather than asking God to resolve his stressful circumstances, he prays:

  • That he can dwell in the house of the LORD forever to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD (verse 4)
  • That he will be exalted above his enemies so he can shout for joy and make music to the LORD (verse 6)
  • That the LORD will teach him His ways and lead him in a straight path (verse 11)

Defiant in the face of fear, David directs his gaze on the LORD. This convicts me to shift my perspective during difficult times.  My prayers often center on asking God to fix my problems (and offering suggestions for how He can do it). Perhaps it’s time I focused on glorifying the Lord and letting hardships drive me closer to Him. Following David’s, example, I want to learn the Lord’s ways and to be led by Him through whatever I face.

My favorite part of the passage is the last two verses:

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” (Psalm 27:13-14, NIV ’84)

This portion became personally meaningful to my husband and me during a long and difficult season of waiting for an answer to a big prayer. As we endured that stressful time, we returned again and again to the promise in Psalm 27 and trusted that we would see God’s goodness “in the land of the living.” It reassured us that the Lord cared about our practical needs and our earthly circumstances; His promises weren’t just about the hope of heaven in the future. We began to trust that God would change our perspective or remedy our situation when the time was right. 

Over those months, we claimed David’s words as our own. We asked the Lord to help us trust Him and to teach us as we waited for Him to act on our behalf. Eventually, He did provide an answer for us. And although the wait was much longer than expected, we could see that God had been orchestrating events behind the scenes all along. His timing didn’t fit ours, but we later realized the wisdom behind it. His vast perspective accounted for so much more than our limited minds could fathom.

During that difficult time, another passage encouraged us as well: “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8, NIV) 

When we’re firmly planted in the Lord, we can flourish regardless of our circumstances. If you’re in a season of stress or waiting, pray and ask God to help you be like the tree described in the Jeremiah passage. Use the picture at the top of this post to help you visualize it. Ask the Lord to help your roots grow deep in Him so you can draw on His endless supply of strength. Trust Him to calm your fears and to replace your worries with confidence in Him. Invite God to help you see past your temporary challenges and to grasp the eternal significance of your difficult season.

Bethel Music’s “Raise a Hallelujah” is one of my recent favorites. Let the lyrics remind you that we are triumphant in Christ, no matter what challenges or difficulties we may face. Join me in letting the melody be your weapon against discouragement and hopelessness in stressful times.