Sitting on the therapist’s couch for the first time, I explained what had prompted me to reach out for an appointment. Despite having two healthy little boys and a supportive husband, I woke up every morning with a black cloud hovering over me. Feelings of discouragement, defeat, and loneliness consumed me. I couldn’t force myself to feel happy or grateful, no matter how blessed my life looked from the outside. Reading the psalms daily gave me momentary comfort but didn’t stop the anxious thoughts and deep sadness that punctuated my days.
At my first appointment, I described a messy situation that had sparked my spiral downward. After explaining the coping skills I’d tried on my own, my therapist offered a gentle observation: “I think you need to learn how to feel your feelings.” Stung and confused by her words, I responded, “What does that even mean?”
She explained that, rather than feeling the weight of my emotions, I was expending all my energy trying to make them go away. Ignoring my pain just made the emotions leak out of me at unexpected times and in unpredictable ways.
Pastor Pete Scezzero explains: ”When we do not process before God the very feelings that make us human, such as fear or sadness or anger, we leak. Our churches are filled with ‘leaking’ Christians who have not treated their emotions as a discipleship issue. Grieving is not possible without paying attention to our anger and sadness. Most people who fill churches are nice and respectable. Few explode in anger—at least in public. The majority…stuff these difficult feelings, trusting that God will honor our noble efforts. The result is that we leak through in soft ways such as passive-aggressive behavior…sarcastic remarks, a nasty tone of voice, and the giving of the ‘silent treatment.’”1
Over the months of sitting on the therapist’s couch, I learned to acknowledge and identify my feelings and to lean into them. Instead of bypassing them with a Bible verse or distracting myself with gratitude, I let the emotions bubble to the surface without pushing them away. Processing deep feelings of sadness, I realized a fractured friendship had opened old wounds reaching back several decades. With practice, I learned not only to feel my feelings, but to share them with God and others I trusted.
Since then, noticing and naming my emotions has become a regular part of my prayer rhythm. When I’m feeling “off” or have a hurtful interaction with someone that I can’t let go, I follow David’s lead in Psalm 62 and pour out my heart to the Lord. Sometimes my hand cramps as the pages of my journal fill with my messy writing, but in the end, I experience a sense of relief after processing my feelings with the Lord.
Now I understand the wisdom of my therapist’s maddening words at my first appointment. It turns out my avoidance of emotions wasn’t unique. In fact, in Session 05 we’re encouraged to practice noticing and naming our emotions as we continue our journey through John Mark Comer’s Practicing the Way (page 66 in the Reading Reflection Guide.)
While this might sound “touchy feely” to some or not a “real” spiritual practice to others, learning to identify emotions is an important aspect of the discipleship journey. Processing feelings helps us to understand ourselves and relate to others with emotional health and maturity. When we recognize our own brokenness, we allow the Lord to smooth out our sharp edges. This, in turn, enables us to love others with more authenticity and grace. It’s part of the process of growing into more loving apprentices of Jesus.
The Practicing the Way Reading Reflection Guide explains, “As we slow down and practice spiritual disciplines, unhealed wounds and unresolved pain may begin rising to the surface of our hearts and minds. Sometimes we try to protect ourselves by denying our pain, detaching from it, or drugging ourselves (figuratively or literally). However, Jesus invites us to meet him in our pain so he can use it in our spiritual formation.”2
As with other spiritual practices we’ve been learning about, Jesus models how to notice and name our emotions. On the night before His crucifixion he says: “’My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:38-9, NIV). Following His lead, we can use a simple three step process:
- Give your feelings to God with no filter
- Share your honest desires with God
- Surrender your will and trust God’s will instead
If it’s helpful, consider processing your thoughts by writing in a journal. This can be powerful tool for noticing and naming your emotions without distraction.
This practice might feel uncomfortable at first, but in time you’ll discover that it becomes easier and enables you to access deeper parts of your inner world to share with the Lord and others. It’s another opportunity for us to grow in our capacity to be with Jesus, become like Him, and do as He did.
The Reading Reflection Guide has further suggestions and a list of emotions to help narrow down exactly what you’re feeling. If you aren’t using the guide and you’d like a copy of the instructions and emotions list, leave a comment and I’ll e-mail them to you.
*This post is part of a series based on Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer and weekly practices described in the eight-session study guide. Order your copy of Practicing the Way using this link or buy it anywhere books are sold.
If you’re participating in a group in person at CPC Danville, copies of the Reading Reflection Guide are available at Focused Living AM and PM and in the church office. If you’d like a digital PDF to download, please reply in the comments.
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- Pete Scezzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Zondervan Books, 2014, 126-7.
- Practicing the Way Reading Reflection Guide, 66.